Because I live in my own little world, I often forget that most people are more fixated on gender than I am. Here is my post from two days ago (I skipped yesterday) in which I maundered about the travesty of gender roles rigidity. I’m still thinking about it because I’m still watching stuff that is tangential to Korean culture content.
One thing I find interesting about different cultures is how something that is verboten in one country is not in another. For example, in American culture, you rarely hear cis het dudes talking about how pretty/hot/cute another guy is. Even when talking about famous men who are known for their good looks (say Hugh Jackman–someone who many women find wildly attractive), most cis het men won’t talk about how hot they are. They may say the guy is handsome or good-looking, but that’s it. Or if they do say he’s hot, they have to add some version of ‘no homo’. Most of them are aware enough to know that they can’t say that exact phrase (though, distressingly, a few still do), but they say something close to it. Usually, “I’m a happily married man, but…” which is better. Still. There’s no need to qualify when you’re saying someane is hot.
That’s how I feel. I am surprised how Korean men (on YouTube, anyway) have no qualms with saying a male celebrity is cute or sexy or pretty. There’s usually no qualifier and no need to be at all apologetic. I’m assuming it’s a cultural thing because it seems to me that popular Korean celebs (at least in K-pop) have to do all kinds of wild things while in the public eye. It’s almost like they’re living in The Truman Show where they have no privacy at all. The things that their fans think they have the right to know is astonishing and a bit disturbing, actually. So it’s probably not surprising that everyone feels comfortable commenting so frequently on how hot/pretty/sexy the celeb is.
At the same time, at least in K-pop, the idols themselves are supposed to be young and pure. It’s a really interesting dichotomy that I find fascinating from afar.
I want to emphasize that I’m not saying it’s better or worse that celebrity culture in America–just different. There are positives and negatives to both. I’m just bringing it up because in relation to gender, it’s way more upfront about the sexism than is America. As someone who lives in a progressive area, sometimes, that makes it harder to deal with the isms. Why? Because they’re more hidden, but they’re still there. I just have to look for the giveaways and listen for the dog whistles.
It would be wearying, though. To live in a world with a constant emphasis on looks, gender, and weight. Again, I’m not saying that America doesn’t have its own issues with these matters–it does. And it’s getting worse every day under the current regime I’m saying that if I had to live in a world where everyone felt free to comment on my looks, I would not do well at all. In fact, when I was about ten, we went to visit Taiwan for my first time. I was fat, unhappy, and had no clue how to make myself look like anything other than a sack of potatoes. I knew nothing about fashion, nor did I really care.
When we met with my father’s family, my cousins felt very comfortable calling me fat. Which they did several times. Literally. “You are so fat!” Yes, I am, thank you very much. I don’t give a shit now, but back then, my weight made me miserable. Mostly because my mother would not stop harping on it. She put me on a diet when I was seven and was pretty strict about what I could eat.
On the other hand, she was like the typical Asian mother in that she insisted I clean my plate–and she didn’t skimp on the food, either. So I got these dual messages all through my childhood. But mostly that I was a fat disgusting pig who needed to lose weight if I ever wanted to get a man and have children. Which, I did not. Either, really, but especially the latter.
Watching Korean content reinforces those childhood messages, even if the “you’re ugly if you’re fat” isn’t actually spoken out loud. I actually had to tell my mother when I was in my late twenties that she could not bring up weight or ‘health’ with me. I put the latter in quotes because she was using health as a substitute for weight. I knew a dog whistle when I heard one, and I told her that she was not allowed to talk about any of it.
I knew I had to shut the door firmly otherwise she would find other ways to get the digs in. I watched her try to lose five pounds for most of my life (yes, my life, not hers). It really didn’t make any difference, even though she’s tiny. I’m not going to go on my rant about weight and how it’s used to keep women from thinking about other important issues. I’ve done that rant so many times, and I’m too tired to do it again.
It’s really difficult for me beacuse I just don’t think about gender the way most people do–from any country. It took me several decades to realize it because it went further than I thought it went. I mean, I knew since I was little that I was different. I did not like dolls nor frilly clothing nor anything else considered girly. In fact, the only thing that I liked that could be considered stereotypically feminine was stuffed animals. I loved them because they were squishy and nice to hold/touch.
Other than that, I was reprimanded for talking too loudly, laughing too loudly, running around, and climbing trees. I was also scolded because I didn’t sit in a ladylike fashion; I ate too much and too fast; and I was pretty energetic. By the time I was ten, all of that was gone. Well, by all, I mean the energetic running around and the loud laughing. I was quiet as a mouse and read most of the time. I preferred to be in the made-up world than in this one. In fact, that’s still pretty much true.
I don’t like that I came back to life, only to have to live in this world again. I’m tired, and my soul is just…done.