I’m weird. I have always been weird, and I most likely will always be weird. I’m an arty type ho is considered a freak by the normies. However, I am not weird enough to be accepted by the arty types. Or rather, I’m too straight-edged for them. I don’t drink or do drugs, and I prefer being around people who don’t do either as well. That cuts out vast swathes of artists, which is understandable. Here’s the thing, though. Most people are not fun to be around when they’re smashed out of their faces if you’re not also smashed out of your face. The long rambling incoherent messages. The declarations of love. The breaks from reality. None of it is fun or interesting if you’re not right there. And everyone I’ve dated has had an issue with alcohol–whether it was liking it a bit too much or being an alcoholic. I grew up with a father who acted like a dry drunk in many ways and it was not something I wanted to do on the regular. At some point, I realized that I did not want to date someone who drank or did drugs. At all. Which is difficult because I DO want to date someone who is an artist type.
I adore creative people. We are the freaks and the geeks, on the fringe of normal society. I am more comfortable in the dark of the night with the weirdos than I am in broad daylight with the normies.
But, this post isn’t about alcohol or freaks, well, not exactly. I was reading my stories and re-read a Dear Prudence about a woman whose husband was dragging his feet on having children. And it reminded me once again why I don’t like this Prudie at all. Her viewpoint is so….myopic and more traditional than I am comfortable with. She did a follow-up with the Uncensored (in which she asked a guest to help her out), and I was even more uncomfortable with her answer. I admit that some of my unease comes from being someone who does not want children at all, but the fact that she doesn’t try to look deeper on the regular bothers me. For example, there was one question from a woman who didn’t want ta wear heavy makeup in a specific TikTok pattern as a bridesmaid. Prudie essentially told her to suck it up and that when she agreed to be a bridesmaid, she basically had to let the bride have her way unless it was a matter of life or death (the friend hadn’t known about the makeup before agreeing).
It really squicked me out and this answer had me shaking my head because there is so much subtext that she didn’t see or ignored. Her guest was better at bringing some of those up (such as if the genders were reversed, would they be telling a woman that she had to have a baby her husband demanded her to have, reasons she didn’t want to have them be damned? I think not. And, yeah, I get it’s not always fruitful to change the genders around, but in the case of having kids, I think it is). I admit that I’m prejudiced towards the husband because he’s the one who does not want to have children, but I also think he has good points. Both of them worked weekends and nights. He said he was worried about having children when they were both in jobs that basically took every spare hour. He thought they should find different jobs before trying IVF. She said she would do that during maternity leave. She loved her job and was up for a promotion so did not want to do it yet.
Uh….she thinks she’s going to have the time or energy to job search during maternity leave? And the child will be there already. Prudie was all like,
“He needs to trust you!”, but I’m pretty skeptical that someone who loves working weekends and nights and is up for a big promotion will suddenly look for a new job while sleep-deprived and sore from having a baby. That sounds like wishful thinking to me.
Also, reading between the lines, she doesn’t want to quit her job. Which is completely valid! But she needs to admit that, not say she’ll do it after the kid is born. I will give Prudie and her guest credit for intuiting that maybe the husband doesn’t want to have a child at all (which was my immediate guess), but then they invalidate the concerns in a way I find truly maddening. One is Prudie (who, to my knowledge, did not have kids at this point) said, “Everyone says you just become more efficient because you have to when you have kids.” What, no????? “Everyone” does not say that. “Everyone” says that you become sleep-deprived and learn to live with it, which is not the same. And, as with women telling me that I would change my mind about children once I had one, this is an easily-disproved hypothesis. There are plenty of people who do not have their shit together as parents or who continue to struggle with time management! Just as I knew there was a non-zero chance of me hating my child after it was born because there are so many abused children!
Like, how is this difficult to grasp? Basically, when it comes to children, one no trumps one yes. If someone doesn’t want to have children, that’s the end of the discussion. Now, I will agree that he should use his words and tell her if he doesn’t actually want to have children any longer, but there is so much pressure to have children in our society. And, if he loves her and doesn’t want to lose her, then I can see why he’s giving her excuses rather than the real reason. It’s not fair of him and he needs to stop it because she deserves the truth, but it’s understandable to me. But he really needs to tell her the truth before she quits her job–that would push him firmly into asshole territory.
It’s really weird.
My brother once said that of course I don’t like movies because I can see right through them. I knew that on some level, but until he said it, I hadn’t really synthesized it for myself. I just knew that I found them lacking in some ways that I couldn’t quite explain. I can see things about people that they cannot see about themselves. I can sense it even if they don’t tell me in words. I have people opening up to me because I’m so empathetic. It’s exhausting, frankly, but my point is that having this ability makes it difficult to relate to people on a normal level. I have to be cognizant that my EQ is much higher than most people’s, that I’ll frighten them if I tell them about themselves (or make them angry), and try to tamp it down when it’s not explicitly asked for.
That’s why I prefer being alone, honestly. It’s easier on me. And it’s why all my friends are highly intelligent in one way or another. It’s exhausting for me to dim my light, but it’s frustrating as hell trying to have a conversation when someone can’t comprehend what I’m saying. And, no one wants to be told about themselves. Or rather, very few people. My brother is very appreciative when I tell him things about himself that he didn’t know. It’s one reason we’ve gotten closer. But in general, it’s not been a welcome thing.
I’ve toyed with the idea of writing an advice column, but the thing that stops me is that I don’t think most people would want the depth I could bring to my responses. I’ve thought about setting up a Patreon with levels and how much of a response you can get at each level, but I don’t know if that’s workable.
I wouldn’t mind doing something with this talent of mine, but it has to be something that doesn’t completely drain me. I’m not sure what that is, frankly.