I am so done with gender, but it’s not done with me.
Or rather, this society isn’t done with it. Here is my post about it from yesterday and how I could deal with age-based honorifics (barely), but I just can’t with gender-based ones. I know that this happens in some European countries, too. In fact, I would not be surprised if there were as many if not more countries that do that on the regular than those that don’t.
I don’t like the way this country is going, though. It’s rolling back so many laws that protect queer people, especially trans people. I’m not trans, but I’n under the umbrella of genderfluid/queer. It’s not just the president, though he is doing his level best to destroy this country. It’s more the people who voted for him and what it says about my fellow countrypeople.
Look. I don’t have much faith in them to begin with. I never have ever since I was old enough to know about voting, democracy, and how easily it gets crushed. I have known that the country leans (topples) right and most of the media is owned by Republicans. I know I’m a freak and an outsider, and that my opinion doesn’t matter. I have voted as a Democrat since I was old enough to vote (voted third party once, but that was it), and it doesn’t matter in the least because the other side is determined to rig the race so they will–
Never mind. That’s not what this post is about, really. I mean, it’s related, but it’s not the main point. That would be that I wish gender wasn’t such a big deal in general. I really wish I never had to think of it again, but as long as this country is doing its level best to destroy me and my kin, well, I have no choice but to think of it.
As I’ve said before, I can pass. I can pretend to be a woman or at the very least not protest when others mistake me for one. And it’s not too bad a fit as long as its brief. Anything more than a few minutes, though, and it’ll start making me uncomfortable. I don’t mind lying to people I don’t have any real connection with, but I would rather not with people who matter.
Honestly, I wish I could just say gender does not matter to me and be done with it. I mean it as a truly neutral statement, but I know it would not be read that way. That’s because there are things that cannot be said in a non-snotty way. It’s simiilar to how you can’t say you don’t own/watch (a) televesion without sounding like a snob. Believe me. I know most of the thing sthat make me sound out of touch, but I still get caught now and again.
I am an alien with a human-shaped skin draped over me. I can pretend to be human for long enough to fool the actual humans, but it’s so tiring. It’s one reason I don’t like to spend time with other people because they might discover that I’m not actually human. It wouldn’t be so bad if I was anywhere near normal, but I am just not.
I read about this ages ago–how people are fine with maybe two deviations away from the norm. Anything more than that makes ‘normal’ people suspicious. I think that’s true. It doesn’t matter if it’s good weird or bad weird–anything too far out of that comfort zone is considered suspect.
That makes perfect sense to me because everyone considers themselves the norm. Well, not everyone, but the majority of people. So anything that is way far out of their experience is suspect. Itt’s not even conscious much of the time, which makes it harder to battle. If it’s conscious, someone can say, “Oh, I need to fight against these biases and work on my perspecive of the world.”
If it’s unconscious, then good luck getting someone to realize that they’re doing it. People are really good at rationalizing things to themselves or being defensive about things that they don’t think are a problem. Let’s be real–most people aren’t thinking too hard about people outside their own experience. And if they come across someone who is weird, they’re going to dismiss them as freaks or not important.
I know this as a patented freak, weirdo, and outsider. I am so tired right now, so I don’t know if I’m making sense. I have to be very careful because I can upset people if I’m not on my guard. It’s very draining for me, and it means I always have to have a layer of protection between me and the public. Be my real self? Hello, no.
Here’s the t hing. People always like to say that you should be yourself because it’s a shame not to let other people know the real you. Also, how do you know they won’t like you if you don’t show them the real you. You know what I say to that? bullshit. You know what’s more likely to happen if you show your true self and it doesn’t fit into society’s nrrative? You’re going to be scolded, shunned, or just simply ignored. The last is the best option, by the way. I can deal with being ignored, but the other shit? Nah, son. I don’t need that in my life.
I’m pretty worn down right now. I just don’t have the energy to do much of anything, and the last thing I want to do is think about gender. No, I don’t really have to think about it because I can pass, but I don’t want to. I don’t want to have to pretend that I’m comfortable being called a woman, even though that’s the label I went by for the first fifty-plus years of my life. But I also don’t have it in me to fight it right now.
I’ll be honest. I’m rethinking my gratitude for coming back to life four-and-a-half years ago. Everything is worse in the world now than it was then–which is depressing as hell. I want a reset to ten years ago, which is sad. Things should be moving forward, even if it’s only in very small increments. Or the very least, it should just remain as is. It should not be leaping backwards at the alarming rate it is.
Well. That was more about politics than gender, but the later is the former, so there’s that. More tomorrow.