I’m back with the weather report once again. Right now it’s 55F, which is nice for me. It’s supposed to get down to near-freezing tonight, which…look, we all know I love the cold. I think I have been pretty clear on that. However, I am having the roughest time with the wildly fluctuating temps. My body is, I mean. Here is my post from yesterday, and I’ll just keep going with my musings in this post.
At the same time, I’m just exhausted from the lack of sleep. I mean, I don’t sleep well in general, but I’ve been managing to have decent sleep until the last month or so. Maybe a few months? It’s been especially terrible in the last few weeks. Going to bed at eight or nine and still forcing myself up by two-thirty because I was determined to have a regular time to get up. I was hoping that it would force me to go to bed earlier. Did this work? No. Did I really think it would work? No.
I know myself. I know the way my brain (doesn’t) work. I know what I can make myself do and what I can’t. And yet, I still foolishly do things I know won’t work. It’s not even as if I’m fooling myself–it’s me trying to convince me that I can fool myself.
I think this is one of the things that frustrates me the most about my weird-ass brain. I know what I can and can’t do, but I still try to do the thintg that I know won’t work with the futile hope that it’ll end differently this time.
What I’ve learn is that I just have to do something big and completely different. NOT stay up for 72 hours straight, but moving from one computer to another by a certain time after actually doing the first thing I need to do. This is how I used to do it back in the day before I had my medical crisis.
Side note: I’m exhausted. I’m so tired. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. After having so much trouble sleeping and being so sleep-deprived, now that I’ve actually gotten a few nights of decent sleep, I’m more tired than ever. I’m not alarmed because that’s how it’s been in the past. My body can get used to not sleeping much (at least when I was younger), but once I start making up the deficit, my body wants more.
I don’t know if there is ever a point when I’ll be truly caught. I’m guessing that if I do this for, say, like six months, I’ll make up a good portion of that. Even if I don’t, I’ll still get more sleep and more consistent sleep than I have already so it’ll be a net plus. That’s the thing I have to remind myself about any progress I make–it’s progress. Even if it’s not as big or as much as I want, I’m still better than I used to be.
I’ve made it three nights of going to bed at a reasonable time and getting up before noon. I did not wake up at all–or maybe once? This is a definite improvement over my sleep for the last few weeks.
I’m drooping. Maybe one of these days, I’ll actually get to bed before midnight. Tonight is not going to be that night, but maybe one day. I ‘m not aiming for it, really, beacuse it’s not something I really do.
I think one of the important things to do when setting a goal is not to be unrealistic about it. It’s good to have some stretch goals, but they should not be completely unattainable. Sticking witht the sleep issue–a reasonable goal is to keep doing what I’m currently doing. Which means I’ll get roughly seven hours a sleep at a reasonable-ish hour–which is fine by me.
Here’s where it gets dicey. Or rather, where I can make a reasonable choice or an unreasonable one. I could say that I’m going to do it every night for a year. That’s unreasonable. I’ve done it for three nights. Can I do it for a year? Yeah, probably. But every night? Probably not. That’s not reasonable even though I am really good at sticking to a schedule.
What I’ve learned about myself is that I just have to make a decision and stick with it. I think about it for a long time (some would say too much), but once I decide to do it, I just do it. Again, I would like to know how I make that switch in my brain, but I don’t. Know, I mean. There just reaches a point when I decide to do it–and I do it. I can’t tell you how I get to that point, though. It would be great if I knew because then maybe I could make myself do it more easily.
Completely different note: I had my Zoom Taiji class today, and I fucked it up once again. I managed to join with two different windows. One with the app and one in the browser. The app one was giving feedback whereas the browser one was allowing my audio to be heard. So I was right about that, I think. I know why it joined with two, but the one thing I don’t know now is how to automatically join with just the browser. I’ll try to figure it out, but I’m just happened I got the audio to work (even though it took some fiddling).
One of my biggest gripes with–oh, it’s 44 degrees now. With technology is how with every fucking upgrade, something gets broken. Or if not broken, it switches in a way that makes no intuitive sense. The saying, “Technology is great until it isn’t.” fits perfectly. But also. I know that there can always be something fixed or made better when it comes to tech, but it gets so tiring that something that has worked perfectly for all of time now suddenly doesn’t work.
I also know that some of it is to make you buy the upgrade or something that will fix the problem. In the case of Zoom, of course they want me to be a paid member, so why not make it as difficult as possible to join with the free version? I feel like they want me to at least sign up for the app–I kind of feel like I must already have it or why was I able to join with it?
At any rate, it’s frustrating as fuck.