Today, Alison from Ask A Manager wrote a post about why you need to attend your company’s holiday party even if you really, really don’t want to. She gave advice as to how to deal with it, and it was solid as always. She makes good points, and if I worked in an actual office, I would–still not go.
Here’s why. One, the title of this post is based on another AAM post. If I remember correctly, it was about how to plan food for the office in a thoughtful manner. Someone suggested sandwiches, and someone said not everyone can eat sandwiches. Which people took great umbrage at because they thought the person was just being difficult. I think that person was being difficult, but in general, I actually cannot eat the sandwiches. Unless there is gluten-free bread.
Another tihng Alison has doen in the past is mention that most people want money for their Christmas gift (from the company). By far. Money. You would be surprised how many people push back on that because it’s not really a gift in the sense of it’s legal tender.
Look. Give. Me. Money. People are terrible at getting me gifts for more that one reason. One, I’m just a freak who is not interested in normal people things. Plus, with all my allergies, I can’t eat many things. This is related to the gift-giving thing that Alison writes about. There are many people in the comments who think that it’s the thought that counts. Well, yes, but if the thought is ‘you don’t count’, then what’s the point? Every suggestion people had, I could not use. Well, almost every. Chocolate? Has milk. cheese platter? All dairy. Cakes, cupcakes, cookies, pie? Gluten. Foodwise, I can eat meat and I can eat nuts, and I can eat fruits. So give me any or all of those.
Candles? Allergic. Soap/lotion? Same. Clothing? Also probably allergic. Well, depending on the material. Wool is bad. Feathers are bad. Synthetic is fine.
As for alcohol, I don’t drink it–and I’m allergic to alcohol, anyway. I don’t contribute to these convos because it’s so tiring, but someone defended alcohol saying people could give it away if they didn’t want it. One, why should I have to give away a gift for me? And nothing says I’m valued like a gift I can’t use. Two, some people can’t have alcohol in the house. I can, but I would prefer not to. Three, it’s a pain in the ass to pass it on. I don’t have anyone nearby who drinks wine (which is what’s usually given away). Beer I could pass on, but it’s still something I have to do that I would prefer not to do.
So. Let’s take this to an office party. I can’t eat anything there. Miss me with asking for special food because I have read enough AAM to know that even if you ask, the chances of getting exactly what you want is slim to none. I have a Kind bar in my purse for that reason, but it’s not enough to last a whole night.
Let me be clear. I am good at parties. I have a knack for putting people at ease and making them feel like I’m really listening to what they’re saying. Which, to be clear, I am. I may not care, but I am listening. I do performative empathy very well.
The downside, though, is that I end up feeling empty inside. It takes a lot for me to do that, and I don’t get anything in return for it. I know that sounds jerky of me, but it’s true. I do it for the other person at a great cost to me.
So, yeah. I am wary about things like this. I could do all the glad-handling, but it would make me feel worse afterwards. Would it be worth the social capital? Probably. But knowing me, I still would not do it. I am very much someone who has a hard time forcing myself to do things that I know I should, but that I absolutely do not want to do. I know most people don’t like doing those things, but it’s almost pathological for me.
It’s because my mother is so prescriptive about my life. Or was, at any rate. She was insistent about how I should be as Her Daughter that I immediately recoil now when I hear ‘should’ about anythin pertaining to me.
I want to emphasize that I know this is not optimal or even good. One time, I explained something about my behavior to my last therapist. She said in exasperation, “Minna, that’s not a good way to do things.” I told her I knew that, but it didn’t mean I could immediately stop doing it.
That’s one of my greatest flaws, by the way. I know what is wrong with me, but that doesn’t mean I’m immediately able to fix my behavior.
I don’t mind being empathetic most of the time, but I really resent not having it reflected it back to me when I’m doing it. Intellectually, I understand that it’s not natural for everyone. Emotionally, I think why should I bother if others can’t/won’t?
I understand that optics matter more than reality sometimes. And that people need to know you in order to feel like they want to help you. But it puzzles me that on the one hand, they insist the social lubricant things (like chitchat) are important, but on the other hand, they say that things like how you answer icebreakers don’t matter.
I get why these two contradictory things can be true at the same time. It’s not the actual answers that matter, but the fact that there is the interaction at all. But, and this is the important thing, these kinds of things really gloss over the fact that people who are neurodivergent have a hard time parsing what is and isn’t important in these social interactions.
I’m really glad I don’t work in an office because I would just be masking all the time. I AM that tiny percentage of people who just don’t fit in anywhere. I have said before that I’m too weird for the normies but not weird enough for the weirdos. I just don’t fit in anywhere, which is my lot in life.