Over a decade ago (ouch), John Scalzi wrote a blog post entitled, Straight White Male: The Lowest Difficulty Setting There Is. In it, he endeavored to explain to straight white dudes what privilege was without actually using the word privilege because they were so turned off by it. He said at the outset that he was writing it as a straight white dude, and the police blew up. It went viral, and it was deeply polarizing. He did a few updates to the post as well. I just reread the piece, and it still holds up today.
As a person of color, I think this is a solid post. Is it a bit snarky? Well, sure. That’s his style. But he’s also speaking their language (in this case, specifically, white nerd boys) by using the analogy of playing a video game called The Real World. Being a white het dude is Easy Mode, and he explains why. He also adds that ti doesn’t mean they will ‘win’ the game or that they won’t have a hard time. He’s just saying they start with an advantage that other people don’t have.
I want to springboard off that point to say that I really wished I hadn’t chosen to live my life on difficult mode. Or even maybe nightmare mode.
I will start by acknowledging that in one way, I am on easy mode. That is money. Scalzi says that’s a stat rather than a skill, but I will say that not having to worry about money is definitely easy mode for that particular stat. Especially in America where one hospitalization whilst uninsured can leave you bankrupt for life. So, I disagree with him on that. Not having to worry about money is hugely stress-relieving.
Having said that, almost every other skill/level/stat I’ve ‘chosen’ is bullshit. The reason I put it in quotes is because it’s more that I’ve realized things about myself rather than chosen them. Me being Asian (Taiwanese) and AFAB are both knocks against me.
Now. From here on out, I could have theoretcially chosen to do the straight (heh) and narrow. I could have gotten married to a man and had 2.4 children. Well, not the .4 bit. I could have gone to church dutifully every Sunday and taught Sunday school.
And my soul would have died. Several times. Over and over because nothing sounds worse to me. I never wanted children, but just assumed I had to have them because I was seen as a woman–and that’s what women did. Spawn children. That was the most important purpose for a woman–and maybe the only, don’t you know.
Here’s the thing about being bi. Back when I realized it (thirty years ago), it was drummed into my head that it wasn’t a choice. I didn’t CHOOSE to be attracted to people of both (at the time) genders. Now, all and any genders, and none at all. Which is true. But I could choose who I wanted to date. At that time, I didn’t want to deal with being bi so I ignored that part of me. Once I embraced it, I realized that i would have chosen to be bi even if I weren’t.
I wasn’t supposed to say that, though. Because the formal queer line was that it wasn’t a choice–you were born that way. Like Lady Gaga sang. But what if you did choose it? It would still be a valid choice.
Now, I don’t see partnering with a cishet man because that mentality is so foreign to me. There’s a meme about “Are the straights ok?”, which is both funny and apt. There have been discussions in the RKG Discord about relationships and the thinking from the straight white cis dudes is just baffling to me. Not the monogamy part because that’s very common, but the MEN AND WOMEN CANNOT BE FRIENDS. PERIOD.
I should say it’s not just straight dudes. It’s straight cis women, too. All these rules about how and when you can be friends with people of the opposite gender. Which is problematic in and of itself (assuming there are only two genders). But, and I say this with zero snark, I don’t understand treating people differently based on their gender. Which is one reason why I ditched my own gender. I just don’t get gender. Again, I’m saying this with no snark.
I think I would be fine with being a woman if it didn’t have so many rigid expectations attached to it. I don’t feel the label, but I am not against it, either. I accept that people see me as a woman and will call me she. I don’t feel like a ‘she’, but I am not repulsed by it, either. At this point in my life, it’s not a hill I want to die on.
But gender is not important to me. My own gender, I mean. Which is yet another notch on the difficulty belt. It would have been so much easier just to say, “Yeah, I’m a woman” with a shrug, but I don’t feel like a woman. I can’t say if it’s because I’ve been told so often that I’m not a woman, though. Like, if no one had told me that I was not a woman, would I be fine with being called a woman? Probably.
It’s funny. I have more than one female/NB friend who had bene told this over and over, and the reaction has been varied. One is NB. One has defiantly claimed ‘woman’as her own. One said she would have been NB if she were thirty years younger, but, eh, whatever–woman. As for me, agender works best for me.
So. To recap. I’m Asian, AFAB (agender), areligious, single, no children, bi, and allergic to everything. I also have issues that border on disabilities, but not enough for it to be obvious.
It’s not just the obvious characteristics, either. It’s how I think as well. I’m not into monogamy for many reasons, nor do I want a long-term relationship. I don’t watch movies or TV shows, and most popular things leave me cold.
When people talk about gender determinism or how men and women can’t be friends, I honestly think they’re talking another language. I don’t see why I should treat people diffreently based on their genitalia (and for those who are that prescriptive about it, sadly, it’s about the bits between the legs). I treat people differenty because people are different. But that’s just on an individual basis. I really don’t get the whole ‘men are from Mars, women are from Venus’ mentality, no matter how hard i try.