Here’s the thing I learned from my debacle about not wanting/not having children. And this took me a decade into my thirties at least to fully suss out. I had no idea why women would be angry at me for not wanting children and being vocal about it. It’s beacuse they had bought into the societal message that they were supposed to have children and they could not tolerate anybody who indicated the lie in that statement. Because if they did,, then they would have to examine the choices they had made in their life. And they did not want to do that. Oh, they did not want to do that.
I must stress as I always do that I did not crow about it or say that anyone who wanted/had children were stupid/ignorant/out-of-pocket or anything like that. I never brought it up because I didn’t think about it except when people asked me about it. I used to explain it like this. I would never bring up not not having a dog because it was not a part of my life. Same with kids. I would never bring them up because I didn’t have them, didn’t want them, and did not have them as a part of my life.
Anyway. I was not ashamed of not having kids nor for not wanting them. I did not apologize or act as if it was a failing on my part. Because it wasn’t. That was my first step to distancing myself from being a woman, though I did not yet know it. If I was going to get so much shit from not doing my womanly duty (including from my mother, oh so much so), then I did not want to be a woman.
The bra thing is the same. Here’s my post from yesterday. Most women/AFAB people do not like wearing bras. Many wear them simply because they’re supposed to.. It’s a societal expectation, and when some people opt out, it triggers the crabs in a bucket mentality/martyr complex in others. “If I have to suffer, so do you!” It’s a terrible way to live life, but many people have that mentality.
So these oh-so-feminist and progressive women could not explain why they were so upset that some women and AFAB people did not want to wear bras. But even more so, they were upset that we weren’t apologetic about it. There were a half-dozen other women/AFAB people who unabashedly declared they would never wear a bra again without a hint of apologia in their statements.
And some women got so mad. SO MAD. Like, you would have thought we came and took their bras so they couldn’t wear them, mad. Just for saying we preferred not to wear bras or wouldn’t wear them.
We said the quiet part out loud, apparently. We dared to question the status quo, which is apparently the worst thing to do. Even for progressive people. Which makes me profoundly sad. Especially given the state of this country right now. And as with a lot of the things this president is doing, what does it really matter in the end? Who is being harmed by me not wearing a bra? Especially as I am very well covered, especially in the winter.
Even if I weren’t, though, will the world really end if a hint of nip shows through my shirt? Iwear tank tops in the summer, and I have huge boobs. Even with a bra, I’m going to look slutty to some people. That’s just how it is when you have triple Js or whatever size my boobs are. They are going to be noticeable unless I strap them down, which I am not going to do.
And this is the reason that I chose to be agender rather than a woman. Again, in my ideal world, I would be fine with being called a woman even if I don’t necessary feel like it fits because it wouldn’t matter. Now, though, there is simply too much baggage–and too much finger-waggling in my direction. I have heard the following: A woman gets married and has children; a woman must be thin and sexually pleasing (though not sexual); a woman must wear makeup and a bra; a woman must modulate her voice and laugh; a woman musn’t be too vigorous or active, but has to pull her own weight; a woman must cook and clean–but not eat too much; a woman must never be seen sweating, farting, or being human in general; and that’s just the beginning of it.
There really is no way to win as a woman, so I simply chose not to play. I know that I’m viewed as a woman by others, which is fine. It’s not something that I want to put a lot of energy into because it’s not important to me. I mean, it would be not important to me if it weren’t so fucking important to almost everyone else.
One thing I’m working on is accepting that gender is fucked. Maybe irrevocably in this country and maybe not, but it’s just so fucking toxic. The whole idea of gender, I mean. Look at the cruel EOs that this president is tossing around like candy concerning gender, and I don’t understand why. I mean, I know why on an intellectual reason, but I don’t get it on an emotional or gut level. When I think long and hard about gender, I feel nothing. I don’t get warm and fuzzy or feel any connection with the label of woman.
I do feel something close to kinship with women because we’ve gone through similar experiences (naturally), but that’s not the same as feeling like a woman. To be frank, I don’t know what that means exactly. I can keep going in circles about it, but at the end of the day, I just don’t get it.
I think that’s all I want to write today as it’s getting late. My brother came over and surprised me, which was very cool as I hadn’t seen him in some time, but that threw my schedule off. So goodnight.