I still have one more post about labels in me s so let’s go! I’ve been planning on writing about labels when it comes to dating for the past two posts, but, well, that’s not what I ended up writing about. In the last post, I talked about labels I use for myself that I’m mostly fine with, including bi, Taiwanese American, and areligious. I don’t love two of them (bi, and areligious0, but they do the job. The other one (Taiwanese American) is factual, which makes it fine*.
I was going to say that in writing a dating profile, I would like to be able to avoid labels completely and not include a picture–but then I realized that’s not exactly true. What I want to do is avoid the people (ahem, men) who loooooooooooove Asian women and show me pics of their dicks unasked, and, indeed, unwanted.
This was my experience the last time I tried to use the dating apps, and it was really dispiriting. I explicitly said that I did not want anyone who had an Asian fetish and DO NOT SEND DICK PICS. The vast majority of responses I got ignored both of these edicts.
In a twisted way, it’s a blessing because they are just self-selecting out. If I didn’t have to actually see the dick pics, I would be ok with that. This was decades ago, so I don’t know if there are strictures in place on apps now that do not allow unsolicited dick picks to go through. I would think there should be a way to do that, but I’m not a tech person.
PSA: Guys. My dudes. I rarely make flat statements, but this is one I’m more than comfortable in making . Do not send unsolicited dick pics. Period. There is no exception to this, and you are certainly not it. (I know there are guys out there who think their dicks are just that special.)
PSA II: Your dick ain’t that special. IFor many people who are not dudes but like dicks, it’s a specific dick that is attractive and not just dicks in general. I know for many straight dudes, any tits and/or pussy will do. But even then, I think more of them would be weirded out by random pic of them out of the blue. It can be disconcerting, and especially when you were not asking for it.
Again, I don’t know how common or acceptable that is now, but back in the Wild West days of PentyofFish, it was rampant. I would hazard that I got a dick pic for at least one out of four responses I got. And the “I loooooooove Oriental girls” response ratio was much higher.
I was talking about this with my brother when he started dating again. Not the specifics of my travails, but how now that we were in our mid-fifties, we were much more certain about what we wanted and didn’t.
When I talked about this with my Taiji teacher today, I mentioned how as she knew, I liked being alone. So anyone I dated needed to add something to my life and not make it more stressful. When I was in my twenties, I was told that I needed to settle. Basically, that any man was better than none, and the worst fate that could befall me was ending up alone.
After several disastrous relationships, I would have to disagree with that. It’s much worse being with someone who is disdainful of/tired of you than being by myself. In fact, I love being by myself. It’s the only time I can relax and be me. I miss my Shadow (still) more than I can say, but that’s not the same as living with another human.
Another thing is that I am more attracted to someone’s insides than their outsides. Yes, I have a type (short dark hair, dark eyes, warm smile, androgynous, dimples, stocky), but I’ve rarely dated anyone with that look. I care much more about the person’s beliefs, personality, traits, and behaviors. In fact, someone can become better-looking (or worse) to me depending on how they act. There have been celebs I think are good-looking until I learn more about them, and then I realize what shitheads they are. Then they physically look ugly to me.
And vice-versa. I haven’t talked about him in a while, but Alan Rickman is my favorite actor. Still. I saw him in the Potter movies, and that’s when I started thinking he was attractive (physically my type). Then, I learned more about him as a person, and I liked him even more. Plus, he had that gorgeous deep voice. I love me a husky, deep voice.
Just like most everything else in my life, I don’t usually find conventionally-attractive people hot. There are several actors who are universally considered hot who don’t do anything for me. Hugh Jackman, Chris Hemsworth, and Cameron Diaz, for example. And, yes, they are all of an age, but so am I. I can understand that they are attractive people, but they do nothing for me.
Back to what I’m looking for in dating. I really wish that I didn’t have to incluhde a pic and my labels, but I understand why it’s necessary. I don’t like feeling as if I have to sell myself, but I recognize that it’s what you have to do on the apps. I mean, I am selling myself–that’s the whole point.
The last time I looked at OKCupid, I was astounded at how many options there were, identity-wise. This was when my brother started dating again. I did it just to see what was out there and to support him. There were so many options for gender identity, I was a bit overwhelmed. Also for what you were looking for. And a zillion questions you could answer so you could find someone who matched you in beliefs.
I really appreciated all that. I never actually sent messages so I don’t know if I would still get an unwarrantned number of unsolicited dick pics (One. That’s the number because every unsolicited dick pic would be unwanted). I do appreciate all the options that were not available back when I was on the apps.
Compare that to Bumble that only recently added Nonbinary. The three top-level gender options are woman, man, and nonbinary. Then, you can select from several options under each top-level option. It’s better than it used to be, but still unnecessarily fiddly.
I’m not sure how much it matters in Suburbia, Minnesota, but still. It’s better to have too many options than not enough. If I were to try to date again, I would use OKCupid, I tihnk.
*This is overly simplified because there are reasons I’m not fine with it, but it’ll do for this post.