I’m back! And this time I am definitely going to talk about dating and labels. For sure. I am not going to veer off onto another topic and talk about that for over a thousand words. That is not like me at all, and I won’t deviate from the path at all in this post, either.
In the last post, I actually touched on dating, which was what I’ve wanted to talk about for the past few posts. If I were in my ideal world, this is the ad I would write. “I”m looking for a fuck buddy or three. Hit me up if you’re interested.”
That’s the basic gist of what I want, but, of course, we don’t live in an ideal world so I have to qualify that statement to get closer to what I really want. First of all, no Republicans. That is still my unberakable will not tolerate. Even more so now than when I dated thirty years ago, just no. Anyone who is a Republican in this day and age is on the wrong side of history. There is no moderation in today’s Republican Party. They are trying to destroy me and my kin; why the hell would I want to be a part of that?
Back when Marriage Equality was being debated, some Republicans were clutching their pearls and bleating about how uncivilized the queers were being in what they (we) said. “Why can’t we be civil about this?” They would say in earnest.
Because, motherfuckers, there’s nothing civil about trying to classify me as not a human being deserving of basic human rights. Our words may be uncivil, but your beliefs are worse. Besides, it’s not as if they would listen to us if we just used nicer words. Believe me, I’ve being fighting this fight for thirty years along with several other concerning civil rights. We are in danger of losing many of the rights we have gained over the last few decades, which breaks my heart.
And it’s made me draw a hard line in the sand. If you’re part of the current Republican Party, then you’re actively against me as a human being with equal rights to you. I do not have to date that if I don’t want to, and I most definitely do not want to.
By the way, the ‘both sides are bad’ people irritate the fuck out of me, too. No, both sides are not equally bad. I’m not saying either side is particularly great, but there is one side that is actively trying to strip me of my civil rights. There is one party that was behind the occupation of Minneapolis and the terror it wrought on my home state.
This is something I touched on previous posts. When it comes to dating, people are allowed to be as discriminatory as possible. In fact, it always makes me chuckle darkly when people tell me I have to give someone a chance. Interestingly, men usually say it with the belief that women and perceived women don’t have the right to turn down anyone who shows interest in them. The woman should be flattered! Especially when she’s not conventionally attractive.
The women who used to tell me I should give any guy a shot were coming at it from a different point of view–that any man was better than none. But they also believed that any man who had the courage to ask me out deserved a chance. “You never know!”
Two things. One, I do know. I’m very good at reading people, and I can tell within minutes my basic general feeling about them. I’m very rarely wrong, by the way. I’ve been able to see through bullshit that other people are fooled by.
Two, even if it’s true that I was wrong, so what? It’s still my prerogative to make snap judgements. “But what if you miss out on the love of your life?!” So what? I don’t believe in one true love. There are billions of people in the world. Believing that there is one perfect person for me is unfathomable to me. How would that even work?
There is no one person who can be everything to another person. Also, we live a lot longer now than we did back in the day. So for all my life can mean several dozen years. I’m not saying it’s impossible to stay in love with one person for that amount of time because of course people have done it. Then again, looking at divorce rates, it’s not that easy, either.
Maybe we don’t need to emphasize monogamy so much. I’m just saying! When I realized that I felt joy when my partner was happy, it changed the way I viewed myself fundamentally. That along with the fact that I could like/love/lust after several people at once. That was mind-blowing, and I’m still not sure what to do with that knowledge.
Sometimes, when I look back on my life, I rue the fact that I did not learn some pretty important things about myself until fairly late in life. I mean, the bisexual thing, I realized in my early twenties so that was fairly early. But I had enough internalized homophobia/biphobia that I struggled with the knowledge.
I’m also grateful that I realized in my early twenties that Idid NOT want to have kids. I have the hardest time making decisions because I’m always second-guessing myself. That decision was the easiest one I’ve ever made in my life. It wasn’t really a decision, though. It was more like one day when I was twenty-two, it suddenly hit me that I did not have to have children if I did not want to, and boy, did I really not want to.
The relief I felt at this realization was monumental, and I have never felt as ligt as I did in that moment. It was like a thousand-pound boulder had tumbled off my shoulders, and I could breathe again. I was positively gleeful when that realization hit me. I didn’t realize how much it bothered me (the assumption that I would have children) until I saw another option.
Best fucking decision I’ve made in my life. I cannot tell you how many women (and, yes, it was all women) said I’d change my mind. Which I did not. But even if I did, why say that to someone about any decision they make? It’s so counterproductive, and it’s not at all helpful.
And they were all wrong! I just wanted to point that out again.
There are very few things I know about myself with any amount of certainty, but that’s one of them. I knew deep down in my very soul that I did not want to have children. At all. It wasn’t a “Maybe one day I’ll want them.” It was a ‘There is no fucking way in hell that I’ll ever want to spawn.”
I had never wanted anything less in my life, and the thought of having children made me flinch for so many reasons. I could go into them, but I won’t. Suffice to say that I did not want children, and I did not want them will all my heart.
More tomorrow.