I’m a mass of contradictions. I’m a creative person who is mostly emotional, rather than rational. At least when I first think about things. I’m a right-brain person through and through. However, when I actually think about a situation that needs a solution, I can do that as well. I don’t like to think logically, but I can do it well.
I can do most of things well, honestly. And I shy away form the things I can’t. Badminton, for example. I am really bad at it. I had to play it for the first time when I was in Thailand with my host family. Well, OK, I took a badminton class once, but that was several years before I went to Thailand. They handed me a racket and just expected me to be able to play. Which I could not. I used to play tennis, which is the exact opposite of badminton.
The reason I can do most things well, though, is because I don’t normally do things I suck at. That’s one reason Dark Souls is such an anathema to me. Normally, I would have quit at the Bell Gargs and never looked back again. There was something inside me, though, that made me keep going on. Pride, probably. I hated letting things beat me, so I gritted my teeth and plowed onwards.
It would probably surprise people to know that I’m a rules follower in general. At least in my daily life. Yes, I speed, but who doesn’t? Other that that, though, I don’t break rules just because. I tend to feel that I might as well do what the rules/law says as long as it’s not an impediment to me.
But. There are times when breaking the rules is important. Especially when there are such stupid laws being passed. *Glaring at the Supreme Court*. I believe in the moral law and ethical law rather than simply the legal one. I’m old. I have very little to lose at this point. Look. I already died twice. Might as well spend the rest of my life doing what I think is the right thing. I have enough privilege not to have to worry too much about the consequences–for now.
It’s absolutely unconscionable to me that my niece and nephews have less repro justice than I did at their age. I did not come back from the dead for this!
It’s funny because I’m very much not a rules follower when it comes to what I’m supposed to think and do. I don’t give a shit about societal norms when it comes to marriage and children, for example. I don’t care about makeup or clothes–other than they’re covering my body. I was just chatting in the RKG Discord about how freeing it is to embrace one’s own flaws. It can really take the wind out of someone’s sails if you agree with their derisive assessment of you. It’s because their anger/superiority has nowhere to go.
For example. I don’t drink. When I was in college, I got told by so many people that I should find ‘my’ beer. Why I needed to have a beer, I did not know, but I gave it a good go. Or rather, I tried a few beers and hated them all. Beer tastes like what I think piss would taste like. I can’t remember who told me that I did not need to find a beer, but what a relief.
I will say that there is one beer I can stand–Bud Light. Oh, the cries of people when I say that, sneering that Bud Light is not a real beer. “It doesn’t taste like beer!” is their declaration. “I know,” retorted I. “That’s why I like it.” It’s the same when I used to drink real milk. I drank fat-free milk, which people declared was not real milk. “It’s water with an udder waved over it.” Yup. That’s exactly why I liked it.
And, yes, people didn’t know what to do when I cheerfully admitted that Bud Light was crap and that was why I specifically liked it. I will admit that I took a twisted joy in how upset dudes got (and let’s face it–it was only guys) when I declared my tolerance for Bud Light. Someone in the Discord said that he did not understand why people got mad at someone for not drinking, and I didn’t understand it for quite some time myself. But, I eventually figured it out. People who have an issue with alcohol don’t like to have people around who don’t drink because it makes them self-conscious. If everyone else is drinking as much as they are, they can fool themselves into thinking they don’t have a problem. If someone doesn’t drink, though, then it shatters the illusion.
It was freeing to realize that I just DGAF. Someone tells me I have terrible taste in music, and I gleefully agree with them. They tell me I’m fat. I’m like, “And what?” Any list of shoulds is met with an epic shrug. It’s one benefit to being on the fringes: you get tough. You realize that nothing you do is going to be enough, so might as well do what you want to do.
It’s a superpower, really. When someone blasts you for something about you, they fully expect you to defend yourself. When you don’t, they don’t know where to go with their aggression. You can see it dissipate in their faces as they try to figure out what to do.
My favorite example is music. People get so weird about it. I have terrible taste in music, and I will tell you that for free. So when someone snootily tells me that I’m a plebe for liking, say, New Kids on the Block, I just smile and nod my head enthusiastically. Yup! I am! I’m definitely low-brow here.
It’s Taiji in a away. Giving them nothing to push back against. No resistance and no hardness. You cannot push against the wind.
I never did it out of meanness at first, but I will admit that I now take pleasure in it when the other person flounders and doesn’t know how to respond. Gotta take my wins where I can get them.
I just don’t care. I am who I am, and there are many people who seem to like that. Those who don’t are free to ignore me, mute me, or block me and move on. I’m sure I’ll survive.