I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what I want to do with the rest of my life. My birthday is coming up, and that usually causes me to think of what a waste my life is. This year, there is also a strong sense of ‘what do I really want to do?’ alongside the usual ‘my life is worthless’. I’m putting them in order of most important to least important, but I haven’t sorted them out completely in my mind. I may do some moving around as I write.
1. Finish Sekiro. Sorry. I know that’s not a huge life goal, but it released on Friday, and I’ve been playing it almost compulsively ever since. I had to mention it because, duh, FromSoft game. I’d been nervously anticipating it because there was so much hype, and it had so much to live up to. There was no way it could be everything rabid FromSoft fans wanted it to be, right?
Wrong.
It’s fucking amazing and blew my mind from the very beginning. Again, I’ve only put in a dozen or so hours, so I’m not ready to declare it the best FromSoft game ever, but it’s definitely as good as Soulsborne games. I plan on finishing it this week, but we’ll see how it goes. It’s very difficult, more so than Soulsborne games because of the technical combat, and it’s already kicking my ass. I will definitely have more to say about it later on.
2. Get back on the stage. I miss performing. A lot. I remember my days with Theater Mu back in the mid-nineties, and it was such a fun time. It was one group I actually felt a part of, or at least as much as I can feel a part of anything. Those were my peeps, and while I had reasons for not trying out any longer, I do miss it intensely. Not just performing with others, however, but also writing, staging, and performing my own pieces. I was quite good at it, but it took a lot out of me. Basically, it was two to three months of intense prep plus an hour or two of sick anxiety for ten minutes of actual performance and two minutes of an incredible high–only to be followed by a crash and a lethargy for hours if not days afterwards.
I have never felt the high such as immediately following a performance. It’s intense, and it made me feel as if I could do fucking anything. I have never done anything stronger than marijuana, but I imagine it’s like being high on drugs. If I’m honest, I also miss the planning and writing almost as much as the actual performance, but I feel as if I’ve missed my window to do the kind of performing I used to do. It’s hard to explain, but it usually read like a funny stream of consciousness, but every word is carefully planned and mesmerized.
I’m actually a good public speaker, and I know I have that charismatic thing that draws people to me. At least I used to when I was younger. I think I still have it, but being an old crone at least fends off the dudes who just want to bone me. It’s hard for me to think I have anything worth saying, and it’s paramount for the type of performing I used to do to believe I have something to say. I mean, I know I have a unique perspective; I’m just not sure it’s what others want to hear.
3. Make videos. I feel the need to restrain a sigh every time I write this because I’ve been talking about it for ages. I know that blogging is the way of the past and vlogging/videos in general are the way of the future. People don’t read as much, and even I have difficulty concentrating on a long thinkpiece.
Here’s the problem–with this specifically and also with me in general. I know more about what I don’t want than what I do. I can shoot down ideas much faster than I can actually come up with them. I have said before that I’m the ‘well, actually’ guy in real life, and I wasn’t completely joking. I’m a negative Nancy, though I try to keep much of it to myself. Hey! Maybe that’s what I can do video-wise. I can just complain for twenty minutes about all the shit I hate in the world. I’m joking, but honestly, it might work if I used the right tone.
I have to just do it. I can tell myself I don’t have to upload it (which is true) if that’s what it’ll take to get me to finally get my ass in gear. I need to just pick a topic and do a video. Maybe I’ll do a Sekiro/Souls/FromSoft video–I have plenty to say about all of that.
4. Lose weight. I could couch this one in saying I need to eat healthier (which I do) and to exercise more (which I also do), but let’s be real–it’s about the weight with me. I’m fat. I’ve accepted that I’m fat, but I don’t like it. At all. As I’ve said, I’ve learned how to ignore what I look like, but I still don’t like it.
Related, I’m currently testing to see what I’m allergic to food-wise. I have a doctor’s appointment on Tuesday to check my thyroid (yearly check), and I mentioned I want to talk about allergies as well. I am already GF/DF, and I’m testing out nuts. I had cut them all out, but recently bought something with walnuts. No bad reaction, so maybe I don’t have to get rid of them. I’m going to test an almond yogurt today as well to see if it’s maybe nuts in certain circumstances.
My point is, yes, I need to get my health issues under control. However, my issue with my weight is my weight. And I need to deal with it in a way that doesn’t trigger my ED shit. I don’t know how to not slide down that very slippery slope, but I think my impulse to add something healthy once a week to my diet is the way to go. And increasing the amount of taiji I do a day. I would like to add the weight-bearing set back into the rotation soon as well.
5. Sex. Having it. I haven’t had sex for a very long time, and it’s beginning to be a problem. I have a very strong sex drive, but if I go without it for a while, I can usually adjust. However, at some point, the drive to have it reaches the point where I can’t ignore it. Yes, I know about masturbation and indulge in it, but it’s not the same as sex with another person.
The problem is (and, yes, I can always see the negative in any situation) that I don’t want to do one-night stands any more. I’m too old and too weary for that. Honestly, as much as I want sex, I don’t want to put in all that effort for just one night. I’ve said it before, but I would love to have a sex buddy or three for regular interludes. I don’t expect to get all my needs met with one person, which is one reason I don’t want a monogamous relationship. I’ve joked that I’d like to have a harem so I could have a different lover every day, and I would just rotate them throughout the week.
These are the top five of things I want to do, and the only way to get it done is to actually take steps to accomplish my goals. Well, number one is going to get done by hook or by crook at some point, but the other ones will take more effort and time. I just have to get my mind right in order to accomplish my goals.