I’ve been big upping myself lately, which I’m fine with. There are a few things about myself, however, that really annoy the fuck out of me. Some are different since I got out of the hospital, but some are, annoyingly, the same since I was a kid.
The biggest one is my manic need to people-please. This started when I was a kid and had to tiptoe around my parents’ (yes, plural) moods. It wasn’t just my father and his violent mood swings, but also my mother and her constant depression. She should have seen a therapist when she was first married, but her belief was therapy for thee, but not for me (her). Instead, she dumped it all on me and expected me to caretake her. Not my brother because he was a boy and because he was not good with emotions. But I, on the other hand, had to be her emotional dumping grounds because I was female and because I was extremely sensitive to other people’s emotions. Sometimes I wonder if I would have been as sensitive to people’s emotions if my mother hadn’t forced me to be her confidante when I was eleven. I feel like my sensitivity is innate, but it’s hard to say when I had to do it for my mother 24/7. I can’t help but sense what other people are feeling, no matter how much I tried to shield myself from it. Even when it’s a chat and people are typing, I can sense what people are feeling.
And I’m always eager to step in and make sure that no one feels left out. That’s not a bad thing, necessarily, but I push it to the extreme. It’s not my job to make sure everyone feels included, but it certainly feels like it.
I’m trying to pull back a bit, but it’s not easy to change a lifetime habit. It doesn’t help that my mother still insists on dumping all her emotional drama on me. She tries to say it’s part of being a child (duty to parents’ emotional well-being or some such bullshit), which may be more true in Taiwan than it America, but not to the extent that she insists it is.
If I were to tell her the brutal truth, I would say that I didn’t have kids in part because of her. I hated the idea of fucking up another generation with the deep family dysfunction. I knew that if I had kids, I would not have been strong enough to protect them from my parents. If I wanted children at all, that might be a hard decision, but because I never wanted them, it was easy-peasy. When my mother said she would come back to help with my kids if I had them (which, yeah, sure. Not if my father didn’t want to move back), I almost had a panic attack. Remember, I never wanted kids, but just the mere thought of my mother being around my mythical children made me want to move somewhere without giving her a forwarding address.
I would have been a terrible mother as I’ve said more than once. That didn’t matter to my mother. She said that it was my duty as a woman to have children. She didn’t care that I plainly stated that I did not want them. I never wavered in my desire NOT to have children except once. She badgered me so badly, for one minute, I thought, “Maybe I’ll have a kid so she will shut the fuck up about it!” Fortunately, I realized that’s a spectacularly terrible reason to have a kid, but the fact that I thought about it at all shows you how much pressure I was under.
By the way, the song I’m including is a great song, but the message is bad. Of course I wouldn’t love someone the same if they got locked up or other terrible things they’d done had caught up with them. Basically, they’re asking, “Would you take this abuse?” To which I say, nope! It’s not about showing flaws or whatnot. It’s that of course someone would not love you the same if the circumstances drastically changed. That’s life! Not to say they still wouldn’t love you, but it wouldn’t be the same. Drives me crazy every time I hear it, but it’s still catchy–and Adam is foine.
Another thing I don’t like about myself is that I’m a slob and a procrastinator. Both of these things are highly embarrassing to me, but I can’t seem to force myself to change. No matter how much I scold myself, I just can’t make myself get with the program. This is why I admire my brother for getting shit done without any fuss or muss. If something doesn’t work, he just moves onto the next thing. Sure, sometimes that means that he doesn’t finish things, but I’d rather be that way than not even start projects.
I wish I was more disciplined in general. Take my writing for example. I can write thousands of words a day–and I do. that’s not a problem. But I drag my feet when it comes to editing. So I have a bunch of great first or second drafts, but very few things that are polished to the point of publishing. I’m still very critical of my writing in general.
I would like to be further with using my Taiji for self-defense. I’ve started to do more applications with my teacher, which is nice. I would like to be able to defend myself with my Taiji, and I’m not sure I could.
I wish I had started weapons earlier than I did. I know that I can learn these for the rest of my life, but I mourn the years in which I did not know weapon forms. They are so beautiful and make me feel so powerful. They are probably the most important thing I do, maybe second to writing.
I’m coming up on a year of coming back to life. Twice. I gave myself the grace of the first year in order to just recenter myself. Now, however, it’s time to look at what I’m actually doing with my bonus days. I was easy on myself for the first year, but now, it’s time to get serious. I was given respite from death for a reason; now, I just have to find out what it is.