Underneath my yellow skin

Tag Archives: flaws

I may be done with Ghost of Tsushima

Posted on by • 0 Comments

I said I was done talking about Ghost of Tsushima (Sucker Punch Productions), but I’m not. I’m at the very end of the second act, and I may not go into the third. Why? Well, let me tell you all about it. Needless to say, there will be *SPOILERS*. 

I was already getting weary by the end of Act 1. That was roughly 35 hours of play. Now, 25 hours later, I am not sure I want to push on to Act 3. I’m in the last mission of the sceond act, and once again, I had to push myself to finish the main story missions once again because it’s the least-interesting part of the game to me.

Yeah, I’ll say it. It’s very bog standard honor, loyalty to family/clan/country, yadda yadda yadda. There is very little that stands out about Jin Sakai or his uncle, Lord Shimura. The side characters are more interesting, but I’ll get to that in a bit. There is tension between the two because Lord Shimura is all about honor and the samurai way. Jin isn’t so straightforward–at least not how I play him. You can do the honorable thing, but you can also do the dishonorable thing like assassinate enemies.

Lord Shimura: Blah, blah, blah, honor. Blah, blah, blah, look them in the eye as you kill them.

Me as Jin: Shank them hard, shank them fast, shank them often.

I have now acquired a ghost technique that means if I stealth kill a warlord or kill enough enemies without getting hit, I can press in RS and LS to auto-kill three enemies while the screen goes black-and-white. It’s called ghost mode, I believe, and it’s sick as hell. I have a hard time getting in that mode because I’m going to get hit. I am just going to get hit. I accept it and have made my peace with it.

It’s sick as fuck, though. I will admit that when I was farming for predator hides (I’ll get that in a second), I was able to mow down enemies without getting hit because I was farming in a very low-level area. So, I was able to get in ghost mode, and, man, I felt so fucking powerful.


Continue Reading

Shadow of the Erdtree, what frustrated me

Posted on by • 0 Comments

Before I give an actual review of the DLC, Shadow of the Erdtree (FromSoft), I want to talk about what I found frustrating in the game. In some ways, it’s just an extension of my exasperation with the FromSoft games in general. Also, it’s funny that I started a post yestreday, intent on doing an actual review, and then as is my way, I meandered all over the place. Today, I don’t want to do the review yet because–well, I just don’t. I have included a review by someone who agrees that Shadow of the Erdtree is more Elden Ring, for better and for worse (Infomercial). I don’t agree with every point he makes, but he makes some valid criticisms.

I want to talk about what frustrated me in the DLC, which will probably inform my review. The video I have included below is Ratatoskr with his criticisms of the game. (It only has two points and neither are my big gripes–the latter isn’t my issue, exactly,, but it’s still interesting.) In the RKG Discord, we’re talking about NPC questline and how complicated they are in the DLC. That’s how it is in most of the prior games. In the base game of Elden Ring, they were much more generous with the steps you could miss and when you had to do them, but that’s probably because the game itself is so massive.

With any first playthrough, I try my best not to look things up. I want to experience the game as organically as possible. Which is great for immersion, but terrible for NPC questlines. Here’s the thing. I thought that the same generosity from the base game would extend to the DLC. Iwas so very wrong. I messed up all the questlines in my first playthrough, which really made me sad. Well, almost all. Plus, there are a few that you have to do things different ways to get different results (and different rewards), which means you can’t see everything on one playthrough. This is not unusual for these games, and it’s not a big gripe. Except.

I put 70+ hours into the DLC. I was heartbroken that I fucked up most of the NPC questlines. I’m in my second playthrough and paying very close attention to what I need to do when. But I still had a moment of panic when I read something in the RKG Discord that made me wonder if I’d fucked something up. I had misread the comment posted, and much to my relief, I was fine. For that NPC questline, anyway.

Here’s another weird thing as I’m traipsing through my second playthrough. I don’t want to fight the bosses. I just don’t. I have fought…*counts on fingers* Oh, and

*SPOILER WARNING*

Rellana Twin Moon Knight, Divine Beast Dancing Lion, Putrescent Knight, Golden Hippopotamus, and I think that’s it. I’ve beaten a few cave/tomb/catacomb bosses, too. It’s wild to me that I have done so much in such a relatively short amount of time. I did not reach the Putrescent Knight in my first playthrough until much later, though to be fair, it’s beacuse of my weird meandering along rather than an actual plan.


Continue Reading

I criticize because I love

Posted on by • 0 Comments

I am incapable of not criticizing things. At least in my head if not out loud. This is the legacy of an anxious mother, but it’s also because I am very nitpicky about generalizations. I like things to be as specific and truthful as possible. It makes me seem contrary because I will argue both sides of the same issue. Not out of orneriness, but becuse it upsets my brain to let an untruth stand*. It physically hurts my brain in a way I can’t really explain.

It’s one reason I keep on explaining shit past the point where I should stop. I know when I’ve lost my audience. I can tell by the look in their eyes or the drop of their shoulders. But my brain is still hurting, and I need it to be balanced.

So, yeah. I’m doing it for me rather than the other person. But at the same time, I do believe in what I’m saying. I’m not saying it just to be a jerk. In fact, that’s why I often don’t actually say it–because I know how it sounds.

I was talking to a friend on the RKG Discord (Direct Messages) about how I have just given up talking about Lies of P in that channel. Why? Because everyone adores the game and thinks it’s the best soulslike ever. People gush about it and the worst thing anyone says about it is that it’s too From-like.

Back when it came out, reviewers raved about it. Almost everyone gave it a 10 or close to it. I was boggled by it because while it’s very polished and a decent soulslike, I had a much dimmer view of it than other people did. Oh, I should say a few people in the Discord did have a few gripes that I had about it, but nothing close to how I felt about it.

The video I’ve included in this post is the review by Zoe from Eurogamer. She gave it a 3 out of 5–which is roughly what I’d give it. And as she had to point out in other videos, that’s still a good number. No, it’s not a 10, but it’s still decent.

I’m not going to recount my issues with the game because I’ve done tons of posts about that game already.

My point is that I realized pretty quickly that while no one actually tried to shut down my opinion, it was clearly dismissed as being wrong. Part of the problem with persistent isms is that it’s hard to show the people in the majority the absence of what they experience–or the opposite. I can explain until I’m blue in the face how the system they so love is such a detriment to me. I can’t ‘git gud’ because it’s above my actual abilities.


Continue Reading

Beautiful, flaws and all

Posted on by • 0 Comments

In yesterday’s post, I was writing about flaws and positive attributes, then I wandered off the road as I tend to do. My main point was that we all have flaws. It’s part of being human. Think of how boring we would be if we didn’t.

There are flaws I have that I know I’m not going to change. Such as working to the back of a deadline. I will get an assignment/task done on time. However, I will get it done at the last minute possible. I do admire people who are able to do a task as soon as they get it (like pay a bill before that was all automated), but that’s not me. It caused me a lot of stress in college. Not because I didn’t get my assigments turned in on time; I did. But because I would waste the whole time before the deadline stressing about it.

I had a class in which the only grade for the whole semester was one paper at the end of said semester. That’s not entirely true. We were also graded on class participation, but that was maybe a quarter of the grade. Most of it was on one paper. The class was Psychology Through Biography. The assignment was to pick a person and write an analysis of their psychology. The professor was an older man who was very close to retirement and clearly could not give a fuck about the class. I liked him, but he was definitely a crotchety old man.

I chose Tina Turner after much consternation. I wanted to do an Asian women, but there were none of note at the time. Or rather, none for whom I could find enough resources to base a seventy-plus paper on. I also thought about seeing if I could interview a murderer–let me explain. At the time, there was a young black man (who went to my high school, by the way, when I did) who killed a gay senator and another gay man–and he wrote a manifesto about how much he hated gay men for spreading AIDS. He believed he had it himself, but it was never proven if he did or not (the fact that he’s sitting in a jail cell decades later says, probably not). He had been a student at Bethel College, a very Christian college, and he was clearly troubled. He had not shown that in high school, but he was strange–and that’s not me saying taht in retrospect.

I wanted to interview him, but I could not swing that, obviously. I decided Tina Turner would be an interesting case study because of her tragic history, but also because she was a woman of color in a time when that was not acceptable. More to the point, she was clearly sexual and had no qualms about showcasing t hat. Now, a conscientious student would have started researching in a month or so, then written the paper over the semester. I was not that conscientious student. I was and am very smart. Learning is easy for me, for the most part. This is both a blessing and a curse. It’s a blessing for obvious reasons, but it’s a curse because I rest on my laurels. I’m trying to not say I’m sazy so much, but, well, it’s not far from wrong.


Continue Reading

Simply the best

Posted on by • 0 Comments

I am and have always been a hot mess. I am painfully aware of most of my flaws. I can’t say all of them because we all have that one or two (or ten) things about ourselves that we can’t see. But. Let me rattle them off right quick.

I’m lazy; I am sarcastic and cynical; I’m petty and snarky (not necessarily outwardly, but definitely on the inside; I’m critical and nitpicky. I focus on things excessively; I get cranky when I feel trapped; I’m overly sensitive; I don’t give a shit about the status quo or most of popular culture. I constantly question authority and I have no respect for tradition.

Of course, I can flip many of these on their heads and say, I go with the flow; I don’t take things for granted; I push things that need to be pushed; I stand up for the underdog and I see things from a unique perspective. I bring up the things that people don’t want to deal with, and I make sure that all voices are heard. I’m empathetic and validating, and I am passionate about the things and people I care about.

Back to my flaws, I get in a rut. I do the same thing all the time. I’m fearful of trying new things. I am quick to get upset/impatient. I don’t like being questioned. I put off doing chores that I’d rather not do. I don’t understand societal norms even when I follow them.

On the flip side, I can fit into almost any situation because I can read people really quickly and give them what they want/need/expect (not sure that’s a good thing, actually). I am charismatic and approachable. I have a trustworthy face, apparently, except when I’m consciously shutting people out. Even then, peolpe are drawn to me. I’m very good at setting people at ease and making them want to talk to me. Too good!

I’m creative and inventive, and I’m ahead of my time. Writing-wise, I’m always told I can’t do things and then they become popular a few years later. It’s irritating, actually. I’m very good at dialogue and making people seem real. I’m terrible at description. You’re lucky if you get a ‘the leaves were green’ out of me. It’s because I can see the iages in my head so clearly that I don’t feel the need to describe them.

Here’s the thing. Before my medical crisis, I hated all my flaws. I mean, it makes sense because they are flaws. Why would I like them? But, here’s the other thing. Everyone has flaws. No one is perfect. It’s fine to say that you’re going to work on improving yourself, but at some point, you have to accept that certain flaws are here to stay. The trick is to realize which is which.

For example. I question everything. This is not going to change. It’s my natural instinct. When I hear about something, I tend to look at the other side of things. I can see three or four aspects of any one issue, even if I only agree with one. I try to keep it to myself much of the time because no one likes that person, but I can’t help letting it come out from time to time.

In the past, I would have said that my body was a flaw. Yes, all of it. I hated it so much, and it was mostly because of my mother’s unrelenting negativity about fat on a woman’s body. And it was specifically a woman’s body, by the way. My brother was chubby, too, but I did not hear her nag him about it the way she did me. My brother has admitted that he was treated differently because he was a boy, which was validating. It’s hard to know if what you feel/think/experience is real without external confirmation.

I think when looking at ones flaws or things one does not like about oneself, it’s important to rank them as it were. To say whether it’s a big deal or not. Me being a night owl is not a big deal beacuse Iwork for myself/my brother and at home. I can get the things done that I need to do in the time that things are open and not care about being up at a certain time.


Continue Reading

More on dating me

Posted on by • 0 Comments

I’ve done several posts about what it would take to get me off my couch and actually date/fuck someone. The last post derailed hard into ‘dysfunctional family’ territory, but I’m not sorry about that. Family is important. Not in a ‘but faaaaamily!’ way, but because the scars you collect in your childhood can carry out all through your life. There’s a saying that of course your parents know how to push your buttons because they were the ones who installed them.

Growing up, your family is your norm. What happens in your house is what you think happens everywhere. That’s not because of  dysfunction, but because that’s just human nature. If it’s the only thing you’ve known all your life, of course you’re going to assume that’s what everyone goes through.

So. If your mother is a workaholic who always puts you last, for example, then you’ll probably date someone who treats you similarly. Even if you realize it’s not optimal; it’s comfortable.

In my case, it’s the push/pull that is my norm. I am so used to my parents alternating between smothering me and not even acknowledging what I existed. I don’t know what I would do with someone who loved me and treated me well, but also gave me space when I needed it. Someone who was attentive without being demanding. I still don’t know that what looks like. Eevn in my friendships, I prefer a distance that most people would probably find uncomfortable. i love chatting with Ian throughout the day, but I don’t need much more than that. I message with Kathleen once every other week or so, and we talk once a month on the phone for hours. I see my Taiji teacher on Zoom once a week and in person for an hour private lesson overy other week. I should add another Zoom class to my schedule.

So.

11. Understand that I vacillate between clingy and aloof. This is not something I’m proud of, andI have worked on it in therapy. However, at this point in my life, I recognize that I’m not going to significantly change. If I’m going to date somenoe(s), they need to understand that I’m like that. I’m moody. I can keep much of the snappishness to myself, but it is going to come out now and again.


Continue Reading

This is who I am

Posted on by • 0 Comments

In the last two posts, I have writtena about what I am loooking for in a partner. That is all fine and dandy, but there’s a more important list I need to share–who I am. This is me; I’m not going to change. I may fiddle at the edges and smooth out some of the rough spots, but I am not going to make any major shifts. I’m not going to suddenly be outgoing, love movies, and want to spend my time doing things. I’m not going to be a bubbly Pollyanna who only sees the good side of things. On the other hand, I’m no longer the bitter cynic who only sees the negative. Still cynical, yes. Still see issues in things, yes. But I’m very grateful to be alive, and I know I’m damn lucky.

So. In no particular order. Things you need to know about me (and accept) if you want to get with me.

1. I like Taiji (tai chi) weapons. A lot. They are my passion, and they are something I’m going to want to talk about. Not a ton and not every day, but they are going to come up. I practice every morning, and I’m always up for learning a new weapon. Currently, I’m on a break from learning a new weapon because I’m focusing on Bagua, which is another martial art. But I still practice all my weapons every day.

I like to relate my weapons to dating relationships. The sword is my first love. It was love at first sight, and it’s been an enduring love for a decade. It’s not the hottest relationship, but it sustains me. It’s what I draw upon when I need strength. It’s the comfy house silppers that you love to wear on the regular.

The saber, on the other hand, is like that person you hate when you first meet them. There is no rational reason for it, but you can’t stand the look of them. That was how I felt with the saber, but I had a reason for it. I was expecting it to be like the sword, and it was not. At all. I struggled with it and felt it was going against me. It took me a few years before I finally got the saber and made my peace with it. It’s still not my favorite, but I can deal with it.

There are others, but what is my favorite? What is the new hottness that gets my juices going? The double sabers. You might be surprised to discover that I LOVE the double sabers when I had such a difficulty with the single one. It’s because first of all, I got used to the single saber. The double saber is a set of two, obviously, that fits together as one (each hilt is halved).

I saw my teacher’s classmate demonstrate it at the demo in 2020. Right before the world closed down. I bought a pair immediately and demanded that my teacher show it to me because I was captivated. I wanted to be the human blender/Cuisanart, and this was the way to do it. My teacher taught me the first bit, but then–pandemic. I ended up teaching myself by watching my teacher’s teacher’s videos on it.


Continue Reading

The new and improved me

Posted on by • 0 Comments

I am perfect the way I am. No, that’ is not true. I am joking, obviously. I have as many flaws as my arm is long, but I have realized the older I get that there is only so much I can do about it. Back in the day, I would set goals and/or resolutions and then fail miserably at them. It’s beacuse I am an all-or-nothing kind of person. I don’t know moderation, which is one of my flaws. Ironic, really.

I used to do the ‘lose fifty pounds in a month’ thing–which is ridiculous. Trying to lose weight in general is futile. There is a stat that has been bandied about that 97% of people who lose weight gain it back–and more. There was a letter to How To Do It (Slate’s sexxxxxytimes advice column) in which the letter writer told his wife (they had kids) that he was no longer attracted to her because she gained thirty pounds in the last two years–and her health, though. To be more precise, she gained 31 pounds. Yes, he knew precisely how much it was.

She agreed to lose the weight, which meant she  made two dinners every day (one for her and one ofr her husband and the kids) and went to the gym to work out. Her hubby complained that it meant more work for him at home, but he was very ‘patient’ about it. Imagine heavily-laid sarcasm infused into the word ‘patient’.

She got down to a weight that he deemed acceptable, but then she wrapped herself in huge clothing, complaining about being too cold and too tired for sex. She had it, but she wasn’t as adventurous as she was before. She wouldn’t derss in the hot clothes he wanted her  to and he was at a loss as to what to do. She also didn’t want to have sex with the lights on. He noticed other men eyeing her up and down, but she seemed oblivious to the stares.

Rich took him to task for being the sexist pig that he was an utterly repugnant. The commentariat was nearly unanimous in condemning him (which, frankly surprised me as they were pretty fatphobic), but more than one person commented that gaining thirty pounds in two years (gee, what happened in the last two years that might have made it easier to gain weight?) was a bad thing.

First of all, no.

See how easy that was? Look, I know that this country worships at the altar of painful skinniness, but there is not any sustained research that says being fat in and of itself is a bad thing. In fact, I have read more research saying being underweight is worse for you than being overweight, but you never, ever hear anyone say they’re concerned about a too-thin person ‘for their health’.

In addition, several people had antiquated ideas of what is a normal weight for a person, especially a woman. I’m 5’6″. When I was at my skinniest–fainting on the dance floor with a 27″ waist–I weighed 138 pounds on my homescale (which meant probably five more pounds on the doctor’s scale).That was JUST under overweight on the BMI scale. I have very dense muscles and look like I weigh tthirty pounds less than I do.

More to the point, people who say that they’re worried about someone’s health is lying. You cannot tell how healthy someone is by looking at them. Or what they eat. In general, yes, you’ll probably be in better shape if you eat plenty of veggies and fruit. But it varies with each person and it’s not as you’re innoculated from anything bad happen if you eat ten fruits and veggies a day.


Continue Reading

Funhouse mirror of flaws

Posted on by • 0 Comments

I’ve written about how my self-esteem has skyrocketed since my medical crisis. In general, I am happier with myself. My depression has disappeared almost completely and my anxiety is reduced by roughly 60%. Considering that I first wanted to die when I was seven, this is a massive improvement for me.

In addition, all my body issues disappeared. I can’t overemphasize what a big deal that is. My mother put on my first diet when I was seven. She made frequent comments about how fat I was and what a shame it was. But, because she was an Asian mother, she also insisted on feeding me too much food and making me finish the food on my plate. The conflicting messages did not help at all.

I dealt with two bouts of anorexia with a side helping of bulimia the first time. I’m not the usual person when it comes to eating disorders because…I don’t know how to explain it exactly. But when I decided to give it up, I  swung in the opposite direction and started overeating. It really is a matter of willpower for me and not the disordered thinking that other people get.

I’m not explaining this well. I had the disordered thinking as well, but it was more a byproduct of my willpower and not the central thing. I have read about anorexia and how difficult it is to treat. That it’s distorts a person’s thinking in a way that grooves new brain patterns.

I definitely had disordered thinking while I was dealing with anorexia (thinking I was a fat cow, even when my thighs didn’t touch), but once I stopped being anorectic, well, I stopped the thinking as well. Or rather, I swung in the opposite direction. Which is how I work in general. I swing to the extremes.

After I returned home from the hospital, my opinion of my body changed 100%. I went from being studiedly neutral about it (through many years of Taiji and I wasn’t really neutral) to being positively in love with my body. It might be the drugs talking. In fact, it probably is the reason that I felt kindly towards my body in the first place.

In those halcyonic days (daze?), I could not get enough of my body. It saw me through death–twice–without a scratch. Well, not quite, but close to it. I will sing it from the rooftop all day song. Walking non-COVID-related pneumonia, two cardiac arrests, and a stroke don’t mean shit to me! I can still walk, run, do Taiji, and drive. Presumably (and I’d like to find out soon), sex would be fine as well. I can sing and dance, and I sleep better than I ever have. Seven-and-a-half hours to eight hours a night, which is unheard of for me.


Continue Reading

What’s wrong with me?

Posted on by • 0 Comments

I have written many times before about how most of my life is better since my revival from death (twice!). But, there are a few things that have gotten worse, and I’m not talking about the family dysfunction for once (though there is that). There are a bunch of little things that add up to irritation, but nothing serious.

One, my ability to do math in my head. One time, I was trying to figure out the Canadian kid’s age on the RKG Discord. He was saying that he was 12 in 2015 when Bloodborne came out. I kept trying to do the math and came up with him being 22. I literally could not figure it out and was embarrassed (he’s 19). I wanted to say, “I have had brain damage. That’s why I had difficulty with that simple math.”

I pride myself on my brain and my intelligence. I have always had my smarts, even when I felt I had nothing else. So to have issues with it is difficult for me. But, I can use a calculator or pen and paper to do simple math. It’s not a big deal, really. I just don’t like that when I tried to do it in my head, I literally couldn’t.

Another thing is my memory issues. That’s another thing I’m proud of–how good my memory is. I used to have to do intake for classes when I worked in the Diversity unit for the Department of Community Corrections. We had 500 employees, and I probably saw most of them throughout the year. I remembered everyone but two people, which is an amazing feat.

Now, I have a harder time remember names of people or things. I don’t always remember if I told someone something already. It can take me a few more seconds than it used to to remember a word. None of this really bothers me, honestly. I can just explain it with a smile and a ‘brain damage’ before moving along. That’s assuming that people know what happened to me.

It’s hard to feel too bad about anything when the end result is that I’m alive and in mostly fine fettle. i sleep better since my medical crisis, for sure. My norm was 6 1/2 hours before I ended up in the hospital. Now it’s 7 1/2 to 8 hours a night. I wake up once to go to the bathroom, but then quickly fall asleep again.

A bit of my anxiety has crept back. Maybe 10% or so more than before. Which was down 50% or so from before that. Whereas my depression is almost completely gone.

But! We’re talking about negatives.


Continue Reading