I am so tired. So very tired. Not just physically, but emotionally and mentally as well. My sleep has gone to complete hell, and I don’t think it’s going to get better any time soon. It’s surreal living in a state that has been targeted by this president. I saw MS Now talking about how 50% of Americans think ICE are making things worse for the country whereas 30% think ICE is making America better. MS Now was talking about it as if it was a great thing. 50%! That’s like a twenty point swing (or something like that). Whereas I look at those numbers and think, “What the fuck?!? Who the hell are those 30%?”
It’s a rhetorical question, though, because I know where that 30% comes from. By the way, it’s always 30%. The fucking assholes, I mean. It’s always around 30%. There’s a reason for it, but I don’t care. I can’t care any longer.
Here is my post from yesterday. And I’m going to maunder about it more.
In the Discord I’m in, when this president was declared the winner, there was a ‘this fucking guy’ who had to say his piece about how this is because the neglected white dude had been oppressed for so long. Oh, he didn’t put it that way, but that was his meaning. Not an American, by the way, I don’t think. He’s also into crypto coins and other shady bullshit.
And I want him to suffer. I want him to step on Lego every night of his life and never find a comfortable position in which to sleep. I want him to feel a fraction of the pain that my fellow Minnesotans are going through at this moment.
Here’s the thing.
My compassion is completely burned out. I am done with people talking about the high road and being the better person. Because that doesn’t make shit happen. Also, it has no benefit to the oppressed because it puts extra burden on them. Not only do you have to take the shit, you have to smile as it’s happening.
Governor Walz talked about being peaceful even through our anger. Not to give this administration what they want and the excuse to crack down even harder. I understand that, but I need them to understand that that is the same as someone being abused thinks–if I just do this, that, or the other thing, they won’t abuse me. If I just act as good as I possibly can, they won’t hit me any more. It’s my fault. I just gotta be perfect.
There is no way to avoid the abuse. Being peaceful won’t do it. Giving in won’t do it. Nothing will. I’m not saying to act up or choose violence, but I’m saying that focusing on being peaceful is a fool’s errand. Let that part go. Do what needs to be done without making preambles or excuses.
One thing that has helped me is my Taiji/Bagua routine. It’s my chance to check in with myself (always bad these days) and to just breathe. I usually feel better after I do my routine for a few reasons. One, because it helps me slow down my thoughts a tick. Two, because it just physically feels good. Three, it’s just a way to counter all the negativity that is going on in this country. It’s not much, and it’s very fleeting, but it’s better than nothing.
My goal in this area for this year was to teach myself the Bagua Knife Form. Initially, I was going to wait until I taught myself the left side of the Swimming Dragon Form (the base Bagua form) before starting in on the Bagua Knfe Form. I’ve been breezing through the left side of the Swimming Dragon Form (though I’ve hit a stumbling block at the moment), and I decided that I was going to start teaching myself the Bagua Knife Form (right side) as well.
Why? Why not? More seriously, I need to occupy my brain, which teaching myself forms does. This is my happy place, and there is no harm in teaching myself more than one form at a time as long as I’m comfortable with it. Since one is hands only and the other is with my deer horn knives, they engage different partst of my brain. I don’t get the two confused, thankfully.
I need to brush up my Double Fan Form (already). There are two places in which I’m fudging it. But I’m still very proud of myself for finally doing it. It was hard and frustrating. I wish I had never done it, and I would not do it again, but, yes, I’m also happy that I did it. All those things can be true at the same time.
Side note: Last August, I got three shots on the same day. It was…pneumonia, my regular blood drawing that I get every year, and my second shingles shot. Now, I knew better. I react badly to any shot. When I got my first Covid vax, I had a red angry bump until I got my second one–six weeks later. I felt exhausted, feverish, and awful for a week. And then really tired for weeks after that.
I have to go to the doctor once a year to get my thyroid tested beacuse I’m hypothyroid. It’s no big deal. I’ve dealt with it since I was fourteen (after getting my thyroid nuked because I had Graves’ Disease and that’s what they did for hyperthyroidism at that time). Since I was getting my blood drawn, anyway, I decided I might as well get my pneumonia vax and second shingle shot when they asked.
Bad, bad, bad. Very bad idea. I have never felt that wiped out and awful except for that time I died. Twice. I felt as if I had been hit by a truck for two weeks. I could not do my Taiji/Bagua routine for a month. It was not great.
Well. I had yet to get my flu shot this year and I was due for a Covid booster. The flu has been super awful this year, and we have a very long flu season in Minnesota. Plus, we have a very high rate of flu in our state this year. I figured I might as well get it. And, since I was going to be going to the pharmacy, I might as well get my Covid booster at the same time.
In other words, I did not learn my lesson. My flu arm (right) is not bad. It’s slightly sore, but on the level of bumping it hard on something. My left arm (Covid vax), on the other hand, is markedly worse. It’s tender and sore, and every time I even slightly touch it, it hurts. Even if I don’t touch it, but just lift it past a certain point. Plus, I’m starting to feel fatigued. Granted, I should be in bed, but it’s not that.
It’s still better than getting Covid or the flu, of course. But it seems like the powers that be missed on which strain would be prevalent this year. That’s a shame. But as far as I undrestand it, it’s still helpful to get the flu shot beacuse it’ll help lessen the intensity of the flu if you get it. (Gross simplification, of course, but that’s the basic gist.)
Anyway. I will be unhappy if I cannot practice Taiji and Bagua for any length of time, but there is nothing I can do about it. I’m not going to push my body past what it can do. I know that’s the American way, but it’s very silly and short-sighted. In the long run, I’m better off listening to my body.