I’m coming up on two years of bonus days. That’s a lot of extra time, and I’m still grateful every day for it. The thing, though, is that I’m no longer assuming that it’s just borrowed time. I mean, it’s not just borrowed time. I don’t know when I’ll die for the third and presumably final time, but I have to make the most of my remaining time before that.
It’s too easy just to let each day slide by when I work from home and don’t really drive any more. I mean, I drive to the grocery store, and I’ve driven a few other local places in the last two years. But, for the most part, I no longer drive. It’s because my perception is terrible and I can’t cover my blind spots any longer. My perception has always been shaky, but now, it’s just awful.
The only reason I would want to drive, even, is because of my Taiji classes. They are in South Minneapolis, and I am in the north (suburbs). We’re talking a half hour drive. I used to do it three times a week before the pandemic. Now, however, it’s more than I’m willing to drive.
My mother asked me to go to Taiwan to help out with my father. Or rather, she phrased it as, “You wouldn’t be able to come, would you?”, but then was angry when I said I couldn’t and I wouldn’t be that much help, anyway (because I can’t speak the language). She said I would be a help, which, yes, I probably would have been. But I haven’t even flown in the states, let alone internationally.
My mother is now pressuring my brother to go. I get that she’s in a terrible bind and needs help, but it’s sad that she thinks guilting her children into going there is the way to go. I have a pretty iron-clad reason not to go (my health and the flight), but my brother has of a valid reason (in her mind) to not go. Especially as he just went to NYC for pleasure. I countered that was a great reason to say she couldn’t go to Taiwan–he couldn’t take back-to-back vacations. Granted, he’s a realtor and has no set schedule, but most people could understand not being able to take two lengthy vacations in a month.
We both agree that it would be better if they came back here, for them, I mean. the political climate in Taiwan right now, especially for Taiwanese people, is terrible. In addition, if they moved here, my brother and I would be able to help out much more. Me more than my brother because we would be living in the same house, but my brother as well becasue he could come over every day or at least several times a aweek.
It’s a twenty-four hour trip overall, though. That’s the biggest problem. My father is in no shape to fly. The last time they were here, they had difficulty flying back. My mom because she got cramps and my father because he had a bad back. I proposed to my brother that he could fly back to Taiwan, help my mother take care of her financial shit, then fly them back here. I think that’s the best bet, but I would be worried that he would get stuck there as well. My brother was like, “Oh, there’s no way they would suddenly shut down the airport.” Which, I mean….you can’t go by American rules. Especially not with an incipient war. Which would be another reason to get my parents out of Taiwan.
The problem is, it would be difficult to be around them all the time. Extremely difficult. When they were here after my medical crisis, there was a point when I was thinking it would have been better to die permanently than to deal with them. Their relationship is extremely dysfunctional–well, maybe not in and of itself. I mean, it is, but they have honed it to a fine T.
When I talked about it with my last therapist, she said that as long as they kept it to their relationship, it was fine. No, it would not work for me, but I wasn’t in that relationship. It’s only when people outside the relationship saw it or was brought into it, then it became problematic.
When my parents were here, I saw how my mother placed my father first. She would say that God was first, but she had made my father a god. She didn’t pray to him, no, but she damn near worshipped him. And she catered to him and put him first in all things. She admitted to me that she knew she shouldn’t have brought him with her when she came here to ‘take care of me’, but there was no way he would have been able to handle being alone in Taiwan. I said she could have hired someone, but she demurred because ‘he wouldn’t like it’.
I know it’s futile, really, but I’m tyring to connivence her that at this point, what my father wants or doesn’t want doesn’t really matter. I’m not advocating benig cruel to him, but my mother needs help. My father does not accept this. He expects her to cater to him 24/7, and she simply cannot do it any longer. I am worried that she is going to die before he does. This is a common issue, and I know she is working her fingers to the bone. She is nearly 81 years old, and she’s only one woman.
When she was here last, she made it very clear that her main concern was my father. She talked about wanting to take care of me, but she said my father would be jealous. She also said that my brother and I were first in her heart–well, that’s fine and dandy except love is an action and not just a word.
I feel sad for my mother, but I need to keep her at a distance because the closer she is, the more impatient I get. It’s not a good relationship, but it’s the best I can do at the moment.