Underneath my yellow skin

Tag Archives: dreams

Taking stock of my life

I’m coming up on two years of bonus days. That’s a lot of extra time, and I’m still grateful every day for it. The thing, though, is that I’m no longer assuming that it’s just borrowed time. I mean, it’s not just borrowed time. I don’t know when I’ll die for the third and presumably final time, but I have to make the most of my remaining time before that.

It’s too easy just to let each day slide by when I work from home and don’t really drive any more. I mean, I drive to the grocery store, and I’ve driven a few other local places in the last two years. But, for the most part, I no longer drive. It’s because my perception is terrible and I can’t cover my blind spots any longer. My perception has always been shaky, but now, it’s just awful.

The only reason I would want to drive, even, is because of my Taiji classes. They are in South Minneapolis, and I am in the north (suburbs). We’re talking a half hour drive. I used to do it three times a week before the pandemic. Now, however, it’s more than I’m willing to drive.

My mother asked me to go to Taiwan to help out with my father. Or rather, she phrased it as, “You wouldn’t be able to come, would you?”, but then was angry when I said I couldn’t and I wouldn’t be that much help, anyway (because I can’t speak the language). She said I would be a help, which, yes, I probably would have been. But I haven’t even flown in the states, let alone internationally.

My mother is now pressuring my brother to go. I get that she’s in a terrible bind and needs help, but it’s sad that she thinks guilting her children into going there is the way to go. I have a pretty iron-clad reason not to go (my health and the flight), but my brother has of a valid reason (in her mind) to not go. Especially as he just went to NYC for pleasure. I countered that was a great reason to say she couldn’t go to Taiwan–he couldn’t take back-to-back vacations. Granted, he’s a realtor and has no set schedule, but most people could understand not being able to take two lengthy vacations in a month.

We both agree that it would be better if they came back here, for them, I mean. the political climate in Taiwan right now, especially for Taiwanese people, is terrible. In addition, if they moved here, my brother and I would be able to help out much more. Me more than my brother because we would be living in the same house, but my brother as well becasue he could come over every day or at least several times a aweek.


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Sleep is my newest best buddy

Before the hospital, I had an epic battle with sleep. I’ve written reams about it, including a full-length novel including The Endless from Neil Gaiman’s incomparable Sandman. I’ve cursed Morpheus under my breath and overtly as well. In my twenties, I had nightmares all the time. I could remember four or five a night and there was a length of time when my friends were dying in my dreams in very creative ways. It became a running joke that you weren’t really a friend of mine if you hadn’t died in one of my dreams. Hell, I died in a dream of mine once as well.

Short history: Never had good sleep. Turned out I had undiagnosed hyperthyroidism, which didn’t help. That turned into hypothyroidism when I was fourteen (destroyed thyroid) and a lifetime of bad sleep.

When I was in college, I got four hours of sleep a night. I had a portable alarm clock that I kept on my desk. One day, I woke up and couldn’t find it. It wasn’t anywhere in my dorm room, so I gave up. I opened the mini-fridge to grab a Diet Pepsi and there it was–my portable clock, I mean.

After I started Taiji, my sleep got better by increments. I was able to sleep six hours a night, but let’s talk about what made up a night. I’ve been a night owl since I was a little kid. My mom would put me to bed around eight or so and I would promptly put a towel in the crack under the door. I would read until midnight or so before going to sleep.

After college, I became a total night owl. I mean, I was one in college, but I had to attend class so I couldn’t keep my preferred hours, which were 3 or 4 a.m. (going to bed) and getting up when I got up. In my forties, I had a steady rhythm of going to bed around six in the morning and getting up at noon. Recently, I wanted to have a more ‘normal’ bedtime so I started pushing back/forward my bedtime (going to bed earlier). I made it to midnight a few times before it started creeping up again. Forward? Back? Later in the night/earlier in the morning. Soon, it had crept back to four or five in the morning.


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