I was reading my stories today and there was a question in the Care and Feeding column from a woman who broke up with the love of her life because he was leaning towards wanting children and she was leaning towards not. Or rather, they were both ambivalent when they started dating five years ago, but he’s realized that being a father is important to him whereas the LW still didn’t want them. It wasn’t a strong, “God, I never want children,” but more that she was 32 and decided if she didn’t want them now, she probably never would.
Michelle Herman is the one who answered the question and I like her in general. I think she gave a good answer until the very end where she felt compelled to point out that she didn’t have her desire to have a kid until after she was 32. She posted something from Emily Yoffe (the old Dear Prudence) who also apparently had the same realization in her later years (didn’t read the link).
Which, I mean, for this letter, I suppose it’s appropriate because the LW did say she thought if the desire to have babies didn’t hit her now, it never would, but it still irritated me even though Herman was quick to point out that she might not change her mind, either. But, did she really need to say that maybe the woman would? It didn’t change Herman’s answer as to the current situation and it really read as if she couldn’t help herself. She had to mention that this woman might at some point want to have children.
I will fully admit as a woman with no children and gleeful about it, it’s irritating that the default assumption should be to push women to have children. Or point out that maybe at some point, they’ll change their mind. It was interesting because I was having a conversation with my BFF and it turned to the subject of children at some point. She is one of the chillest moms I know. When she first had her child, I told her she had a year to talk nonstop about her kid before I’d start prodding her to talk about other things. She didn’t even need that much time as she was always happy, nay, eager to talk about things other than her daughter. She loves L with all her heart and will talk happily about her, but my BFF likes being able to talk about other things, too.
Anyway, my best friend said that she knew I was very anti-child for myself so she never brought it up to me. However, if she was ever talking to women who were on the fence, she would urge them to think about it. That surprised me because I wouldn’t have seen her doing that. Not a negative judgment, but just something I wouldn’t have expected from her–and we’ve been besties for half our lives. It’s like when she found out her husband didn’t like pineapple after being married to him for many years. She told me she looked at him and said, “It’s like I don’t even know you.”
It just shows how ingrained it is and how much the idea that women should always be open to motherhood, no matter what. Obviously, I’m not a mother and I have no idea what it’s like to have kids. I didn’t have them for a reason, number one because I didn’t want to have them. Therefore, I cannot understand the deep-seated bond that a parent has for their child (or at least a theoretical bond). With all that said, it’s pretty weird as a non-child-wanting person to see all the ways that people, especially women, are pushed to have children. Even in this day. Even in this age. Women are supposed to have children (and want to have children) no matter what.
I’m trying to pick my words carefully because motherhood is seen as so sacred, but it’s bewildering to me this idea that being a parent at any cost is a valid one. Or rather, unless a woman is 100% sure she didn’t want to have children, she should have children. I’ve read by so many people (women, let’s be real) that someone who doesn’t have kids will regret it later in life, again, unless you’re 100% sure you don’t want children. I will say that I’m sure my personal biases are coloring my viewpoint because my mom made it her personal mission to get me pregnant from the time I was 25 until I turned 40. Every time she visited, she brought it up and one notable visit, she mentioned it every day for weeks on end. Every time, it was the same conversation as if we never had it before. At the time, I fell into the trap of thinking if I could just explain it to her with the perfect reasons, she would understand where I was coming from.
Ha. I was so very wrong. As my therapist once explained to me (about something totally different), I made the mistake of thinking it was me when it wasn’t. With my mom, she literally could not understand what I was saying because it was so outside her realm of possibility. Her whole identity was being a wife and a mother even though she is very respected as a psychologist, and it’s all she’s ever wanted*. So, of course she couldn’t fathom someone who not only didn’t have that desire, but very much had the opposite desire. When I realized that not only did I not want to have kids, I didn’t have to have them, I felt an immense sense of relief. I was in my early twenties and I have not wavered. I rarely think about not having children and when I do, I’m gleeful. Yes, I’ve used that word twice to describe my lack of children and yes it seems aggressive, but only because having children is such a norm.
It’s funny, though, because parents are quick to rattle off all the reasons that parenting is hard. Yeah, I know! That’s one reason I didn’t want to have them. As for regretting not having them? Nope! And even if I did, so what? There are probably people with kids who regret having them. I’d much rather be in my position for possible future regret than in the reverse. In addition, it’s hard to regret something you don’t have because I have no idea what it would be like to have kids. I have never been happier in my life than during the pandemic not to have kids, I’ll tell you that much. I don’t know how parents do it.
By the way, I couldn’t find a song about being child-free so I decided to include a video by Missy Elliott just because.
*That’s a whole story about her own fucked-up childhood, which ultimately helped me understand her dysfunction.