I have written often how one of my traits is that I reach the end of things. This is both because of my neurospiciness (hyperfocusing on one object/thing until I am suddenly done with it) and because of how I was raised (give until you can’t give any more). I was well-aware of the latter, and I knew it wasn’t a good thing. I talked about it with my therapist several times. She plainly told me it wasn’t a good thing, and I retorted that I knew that already. Oh, here’s the post from yesterday when I started down this path.
Side note: One of the most frustrating things about being pretty self-aware is that I can know what my flaws are, but I can’t always change them quickly if at all. My therapist said that thinking too much was what got me into trouble, and it wasn’t what got me out of it. But thinking was the only tool in my toolkit for so long–I felt lost without it.
I understood what she was trying to say, but every fiber of my being fought against it. I could think my way out of a problem, couldn’t I? I was nothing without my brain! I rebelled against her statement for much longer than I care to admit.
I felt vaguely ashamed for how into things I got before completely abandoning them because I thought it meant something was wrong with me. Also, I felt bad for wasting money on a hobby for months only to let it fall to the wayside completely without ever using/doing all of the hobbies. I remember a time when I was really into jigsaw puzzles. I bought so many of them, and I think I managed to do three or four of them. Granted, I got cats soon after, which made it nigh impossible to do jigsaw puzzles without keeping them out of the room.
I have gotten better to some extent. I haven’t given tons of money to a hobby that I quit in quite some time. One of my latest obsessions, weapons, has lasted for ten years and is an investment. Also, I practice my weapons every day, so it’s not as if I have stuffed all the weapons in my closet and tried to shove them out of my mind, too.
I have to be careful, though, because I want all the weapons. Right now! Some of them are defensible (nice double sabers) and others are not (double butterfly swords). I can’t learn all the weapon forms at one time so it doesn’t make sense to buy them now. And yet.
My inner toddler is pretty demanding. Also, I have the money to buy both items whether I’m going to use them or not. To be clear–I already have a pair of practice double sabers, and I do know the form. I just want the nice pair because they’re gorgeous. Also, because I prefer practicing with real weapons than with practice ones. The real ones feel weighty in my hands and have real heft. The practice ones are lighter and flimsy.
As for the latter–I’m not going to get to a double butterfly sword form any time soon. I’m still working on the Bagua Knives Form, which I’m getting close to finishing. I am much nearer to the end than I realize, and I should be able to teach the rest to myself in a month or so. That’s if I buckle down, though. I’ve been fucking around with it.
Side note II: I’ve been feeling a medium amount of burn out, which I shared with my teacher. I said I was thinking of cutting down on the amount I do each day (of the weapons) because it was getting to be a bit too much. She’s very supportive of my journey, and pretty chill about how I get there.
It’s one thing I appreciate about her, tbh. I’m very much a hot mess of a person and all over the map as a student. She’s willing to roll with whatever I want as long as it doesn’t hurt me. I was going to say as long as it moves me forward, but she doesn’t even require this. she understands plateaus are a natural part of the learning process, and she encourages us to be chill about it as well.
She has said that it’s ok to do the older forms once a month, but I don’t feel comfortable with that. I have a system in which I do the older ones once a week and the newer ones twice a week. The Bagua Swimming Dragon Form, I do every day except Saturday (class day), alternating right and left sides. I’m trying to figure out the Cane Form and the Cane Form with the saber because it’s the same form, but with different weapons. There are a few slight modifications with the latter, but it’s still essentially the same form. When I say figure out, I mean how often I want to do them.
I’m reaching the point of wincing slightly before I’m about to do the weapons, and I don’t want it to become a chore. Also, I’ve been doing the weight set twice a week, and I think I may cut back to once a week because doing the weapons is also a form of a weight-bearing workout.
This is part of my neurospiciness, too, I think. I get locked into having a rigid routine, and I feel like I’m cheating (what? Who? I don’t know) if I diverge from that path by even one small step. On the other hand, I feel like I’m in a rut when I do it robotically. That is how I’m doing it right now, and I want to nip that in the bud before it goes too far. I know that I’m before the point of big burnout, which is why I need to take care of it now.
In the past, I would have ignored it and pushed myself until I was completely burned out. Now, I don’t want that to happen. I know that I’m low-key (or not so low-key) depressed because of the world, and that’s probably part of the reason I’m having such a hard time with my practice. Or is it the other way around? No, I think it’s the world affecting my practice.
I went off the rails yet again. More tomorrow.