The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.
This quote is attributed to Einstein even though there is no evidence that he said it. Regardless of origin and questionable wording, the message itself is true. It’s folly to keep doing something in the same way and expecting the end result to be different. Tangentially related, I had a friend once who said that he considered me an optimist, which offended me to my core. I was a cynical realist, jaded by what I’d seen of life. This was when I was in my early twenties and I thought I’d seen it all. He calmly pointed out that I expected the best out of people and was disappointed when they inevitably failed. I opened my mouth to protest, but then shut it again. He was right, damn it. Part of the reason I was so cynical was for that very reason.
Thirty years later, you’d think I’d know better. People–including me–are often not their best selves. In fact, we often do the very thing that makes a situation exponentially worse, fully aware of what we’re doing. Or maybe I’m giving people too much credit. I know when I am making a situation worse, even if I feel powerless to stop myself. Other people may or may not have that same insight–I just assume that they do. There’s my damn optimism again.
On a related note, there’s a reason that family therapists talk about family systems. The way people interact become enshrined over time and can be nigh impossible to change if you’re not willing to tackle the whole system. You can evoke some change by working on one piece, but it’s better to work on the system as a whole. The reason I’m saying this is because in my family, I’m the one who speaks out against the abuse and then get turned on by my mother and brother. Or rather, by my mother with my brother helplessly standing by. We all have a different way of dealing with the abuse. Mine is to fight back (after years of just taking it). My brother’s is to play up to my father or stay silent. My mother’s is to actively play into the system with brief bouts of rebelling. As a result, I’m the scapegoat. If I would just shut up and take the abuse, everything would be OK! My mom all but said that when she admitted last night that she just wanted peace. But that peace, like the cake, is a lie because one acquiescence is never enough. I apologized to my father a week or so ago for something and he acted like he didn’t even hear it while simultaneously acting as if it were just his due. It was infuriating when I already had to swallow my bile to apologize in the first place.