I read some advice columns and I know better than to read the commentariat (usually). But I can’t resist from time to time over at Slate bcause I want to see what, ah, the masses believe. Slate is a lef-leaning website with reasonably intelligent readers. Still. I find myself going, “WTF are you talking about?” more often than not when I read the comments. Let me tell you why.
1. “This is fake.” I’m not saying fake letters don’t make it into the columns. I’m sure they do. But, the reason this irritates me so much is because it’s always letters that are completely believable that get the most outrage. If you truly understand narcissist people, then you wouldn’t be saying, “This can’t be real.”
There was a letter recently from a mother who was mad at her daughter, Kayla, for being ‘selfish’. Kayla’s older brother, Josh, was profoundly autistic and neede to be watched. Well, here’s the letter. The upshot is that the mother expected Kayla to get a degree in social work and take care of Josh while she, the mother, retired.Kayla went to school out of town on a scholarship, majored in math, and got an internship in that field for the summer.
There were several people in the comments who said it was fake, not because it wasn’t a believeable situation, but because they said no one was that unaware of how they were coming across. To which I thought, “You’ve never met a true narcissist, have you?”
Narcissists think they are right no matter what. It’s kinda their bag. It’s their shtick. I mean, it’s in the word. Narcissists are incapable of thinking of others. That doesn’t automatically make them assholes, but they have to be very aware of their lack of empathy. It’s possible to be a narcissist and not hurt other people, but it’s not easy.
Anyway, my point is that this story is all-too-believable. And there’s even room for being sympathetic to the mother. It’s gotta be hard to be in that position, especially in America where the social welfare net has been cut to the bare minimum–if even that. Her ex-husband sounds like a jackass for flaking, but the answer isn’t to make her daughter the second parent. But it’s too real. Especially for female-shaped persons. The boy is the most important person because he’s the disabled one. The sister is supposed to endlessly sacrifice herself for the son/brother.
Many people in the comments were questioning how a parent could be that clueless. Some thought maybe the daughter had written the letter, but one person noted that if it was the daughter, it would have been a much different tone. It would have been sad and resigned. Or, and this is my interjection, angry to hide the pain.
It just shows how limited people’s viewpoints are. “No parent would act like that!” Are you fucking kidding me? Parents abuse their children. Physically, emotionally, sexually. Parents kill their children. People flinch away from that truth. It’s ugly. It’s harsh. But it’s real.
More to the point, it doesn’t really matter if this actual letter is real because the situation is real. That’s something Alison from Ask A Manager emphasizes. She tries to ensure that the letter writers are real, but at the end of the day, if someone pulls one over her, she can stil address a situtaion that probably is happening to someone. Not the more outrageous stories (like the DNA one that just got updated), but the ones that are just on the cusp (like the obsessed boss).
2. Pleading for updates. This is so annoying to me. This happens in Ask A Manager all the time. A particularly juicy letter will come in and one of the first letters is for an update. The cousin is the one saying, “I nominate this for worst boss of the year!” These are real people. Take them as they are. Engage with the letter as it is. I understand it’s human nature, but it’s annoying.
3. Bringing your own shit into the comments. Look. We all do it to a certain extent because we are who we are. We can’t help seeing things from our point of view, but at least acknowledge that there are other points of view and that you migth not be right. Or you might not have all the information. I know I do it myself. Now, it’s the fact that I died twice. It’s given me a perspective that I can’t expect others to have. But it’s hard for me not to talk about it as my frame of reference. I used to hate my body. Now, I’m all, “This body literally got me through death twice. Fuck you.”
My body is a wonderland. My body is a temple. My body is a fucking GOD. My body died twice, flicked it off, and said, “That all you got?” I walked out of a hospital with nary a scatch after non-COVID-related walking pneumonia, two cardiac arrests, and a stroke. No rehab, no PT, no NOTHING. Well, a little something. A little rest and a whole lotta Taiji. But I would have done both of those, anyway.