I’ve had plenty of time to think about what happened to me and the biggest question (well, one of the biggest, anyway) I have is why did I come back? My glib answer is that I believe three things brought me back to life (besides my incredible medical team): taiji, love, and luck. Only one of those I can control. though K argues that the love I received is a direct result of who I am. I argued back that it was to a certain extent, but since most of the people sending love, prayers, and positive vibes didn’t actually know me, it was more the concept of me than me that was receiving the love. That isn’t to say it wasn’t real or wasn’t appreciated, but it wasn’t for me in particular. I will acknowledge that the people who knew me were specifically sending me love, positive vibes (and chi), and prayers, which is especially appreciated.
Both my mother and K told me after I woke up that they were telling me I was a fighter and I needed to fight. My mother said she shouted it at me over Zoom whereas I don’t remember if K said it out loud or just thought it to herself. They’re too kind. What they mean is that I’m stubborn as fuck and contrarian in nature. My taiji teacher would tell you that I question everything and will never be satisfied with a glib answer. I can argue until the break of dawn and will not stop until the other person concedes my point–and sometimes, not even then. This is both an asset and a curse, sometimes both at the same time.
Honest talk: I’ve been passively suicidal for most of my life. Since I became aware of death when I was seven. I’ve had a love/hate relationship with it. I didn’t care much for life, but I was terrified of death and the idea of me being nonexistent. At the same time, I could hear the siren song of death and nearly answered more than once.
All that went out the window when I f collapsed to the ground in my front hallway. Obviously, I don’t remember any of this, but apparently, I fought the breathing tube while I was unconscious, which makes sense. When I woke up, I was mad as hell and ready to fight everyone. I had no idea who needed fighting, but I was sure it had to be done.