Back in the mid-’90s, on Mad TV (a sketch show, like SNL), there was a series of skits called Lowered Expectations. It was a parody of dating ads, and–wow. I rewatched a bunch of them. It’s not as funny as I thought it was at the time. In fact, it’s pretty terrible. Which is too bad for me because I was predicating this post on them. But! I can still do my post without them or at least with just mentioning them in passing.
The premise was that you are a loser, but you still want to get dates. They had thousands of (poorly-made) videos of other losers, so let’s pair them up! The idea was a solid one, but unfortunately, they just relied on stereotypes and being offensive to so many different kinds of people in order to try to be funny.
Here’s my point, though. One piece of advice I used to get back when I was in my prime dating years was that as a female-shaped person, I could not afford to be too picky. You hear that a lot when you’re dating in your twenties–lower your standards because no one is perfect. And, the unspoken accompanying thought that it’s better to have any man (because it was usually aimed at het women) than to be on your own.
No one is perfect, that is true. If you are looking for someone who won’t even upset you or annoy you, you are going to be SOL. Fairy talse are just that–fairy tales. They are fantasy, not to be confused with reality. There is no happily ever after–and a relationship is hard work.
Whenever I read advice columns, the monogamy, long-term crowd is loud and proud. I have no issue with people who are monogamous, but most of them cannot fathom ethical nonmonogamy. THey are smug when a letter comes in that talks about a failed polyamorous relationship. Never mind that 90% of the letters are just about your ordinary, every day monogamous relationship woes–let’s point at the few letters from discontented polyamorous people to crow how it’s a failed type of relationship.
Let me be clear. I don’t think it’s for everyone. Hell, I don’t think it’s for most people. I do think that many people get jealous if their partners hook up with other people or have romantic relationships with other people, but a minority of people don’t.
When I was in college, I think my boyfriend was cheating on me with his ‘ex’ (long story). When I thought about it much later, I didn’t care about the being with her part–I only cared because he lied to me about it (and got me dating him on false premises. Or rather, he lied by omission). Much later, I was at a parter and chatting up a guy. We were getting along like gangbusters, and I was contemplating going home with him. Someone else casually mentioned that he had a wife, and I immediately was turned off. Had he told me himself, I might have hooked up with him, but because he was willing to lie (again, even if it was only by omission), I was out of there.