I am deflated, and I don’t reaally have much to say. That’s never stopped me before, though, and it will not stop me now. I am still angry, frightened, and disgusted, and I don’t know what to do with all these negative emotions. I have never felt accepted by this country, and I don’t feel patriotic at all.
Ever since I first voted, I have been painfully aware of how there is no room in this country for me. Not only because I’m a visible minority (Asian), but also because of my other idenitity markers (areligious, bisexual, and now agender), and bceause of my neurodivergent brain. There is not one way in which I am ‘normal’, and it’s exhausting.
Here is yesterday’s post, which was basically a rant about gender. Well, not a rant so much as a utter exhaustion. I’m just so tired. So fucking tired. And heartsick.
I have been a de facto Democrat since I was eighteen. I was not able to vote the first time I was eligible because I was studying abroad, but I have voted Democrat almost every time in every election since (and independent the one time I did not vote Dem).
Look. As a lifelong Democrat, I know not to get my hopes up. I know the Dems are going to cave and give in. I know they are going to disappoint me again and again. I know they give a shit about me marginally more than Republicans do, but not much at all. In a deeply broken system, there is bad and less bad.
You know one of the reasons I voted for Obama? Because he actually mentioned Asian people and bisexual people. And later, when he was elected, he mentioned nonreligious poeple. And for the first time, I felt seen. Truly seen.
Yes, I know he’s a politician. Yes, I know he’s politically savvy and was just saying what he needed to say in order to get elected. But, you know what? I felt it. And I think he actually meant it (to a certain degree). Just the fact that he thought to say it meant it was actually on his mind–which is more than I can say for 90% of politicians.
Obama was a great president in many ways. And, something I don’t think he gets enough credit for is how great of a campaigner he was. Truly inspirational and revolutionary. One way was in how he dealt with online campaigning (thus locking down the young people’s vote), and another was how he deliberately reached out ot demographics that were typically ignored.
Here’s is part of the problems with Democrats–they are just not good at messaging. That’s something Republicans have been excellent at my whole life. It’s because they keep their message exceedingly simple (and false), and they repeat it over and over again. They keep the rank and files walking in lockstep, and they don’t deter from their message.
I’ve admired their discipline even as I deplored their message. Dems are terrible at messaging in part because they want to relay complex, nuanced messages that can’t be summoned up in soundbites. Which, while I admire the ideal behind it, frustrates the hell out of me Nobody wants to listen to a policy nerd go on and on about specifics. No! Give them a fifth grade level speech about what the current policy will do and call it a day.
I don’t know. I feel pretty hopeless these days. My point of this post is that I’ve been a Democrat ever since I can remember. I have never felt much love for this country, but I can’t remember a time when I felt as I do about this country. And not just the president. He is, as the kids say, what he is. And he is what he was the last time he was president (though infinitely worse because he has no leash on him this time around). We all knew that going into his second term.
No, it’s my fellow Americans who are really letting me down. I though tI was inured to how shitty some of my compatriots were (and believe me, I know. Oh lord do I know), but I was not prepared for this. For the disgusting behavior, ideas, and words that have been emanating from them now. For the hatred and the gleefulness in which they are displaying it. For just how much they despise me and my own.
I live in a very progressive suburb that is overwhelmingly not that. And yet, that kind of mentality is not five minutes away from me. We tend to think of certain states as being blue and certain others being red, but it’s more like large cities are blue and some suburbs, smaller cities, and rural areas are very red. That’s how it is here, and that’s how it is across the country.
I have never felt like this country was my home nor that it wanted me. I made my begrudging peace with it many years ago. I knew that this country was deeply flawed, and I knew that it was at best mildly disdainful of me and at worst, actively hated me. I though that it was probably true of any country, which I still believe to a certain extent.
But it’s really hard for me to feel safe in this country. Believe me that I never felt comfortable in this country, but my fear has never felt more immediate than it does now. Nor has my despair, rage, and impotency.
Side note: I understand the call for peace by Frey and Walz. I know that we don’t want to play into the hands of this regime in their eagerness to bring down martial law upon liberals. It doesn’t make me rage any less, though. Nor do I think it’s fair. For my whole life, we Democrats have been told to get along, to not make waves, to play nice, to think of the poor, beleagured Republicans. Blah blah blah blah blah.
It’s the same dynamic of an abusive relationship/dysfunctional family. Placate the abuser while imploring the abused to make peace.
I’m so tired. So very tired. I may write more about it tomorrow.