I may have to move mental health issues to the top of my list. I have been dealning with my mental health issues mostly by burrowing my head in the sand keeping my news input to a bare minimum.
Today, though, living in the Twin Cities made it impossible to avoid the most explosive and horrific news of the day. The killing of a Minneapolis woman by an ICE agent. I heard about it tangentially, and then I discussed it with several friends.
I’m outraged, furious, scared, and–numb. This year has been too much, and it’s been especially stressful for us Minnesotans because we’re being targeted by the federal government. There are several reasons for this, and I am frightened about the upcoming governor’s election. While we vote Democratically on a federal level (though just barely in the last election, worryingly enough), we’re all over the map locally. We tend to split the vote, and the batch of batshit Republicans running for office, especially mayor, is making me very nervous.
These are dark days in this country. Our president just attempted a coup of a foreign country because he wanted their oil; he’s embroiled in nasty business (I mean, he always is, but this time, it’s especially nasty); and now, this.
It’s really hard to look back at the last year and not be filled with despair. I knew it was going to be bad, but I didn’t think it was going to go to hell in a handbasket so quickly and so starkly.
Early in 2024, I had to get my driver’s license renewed. When I went to the DMV in order to do so, I was pleasantly surprised to see that nonbinary was the third gender option (it had only been male and female before). We are one of the most progressive states in the country–at least the Twin Cities are progressive. Not so much so the rest of the state (like many states).
And yet.
My heart sank when I saw that third option. Why? Because I knew there was a very real possibility that we would have the return of a certain president as president once again, and he had made it quite clear that he would de everything in his power to discriminate against queer people of all different stripes*.
Nonbinary is not my chosen term, but if I were twenty years younger and if *gestures helplessly at the world around me*, I probably would use it instead of woman. Or maybe not. It doesn’t really fit me, but it’ll do in a pinch. I default to not calling myself anything, really. I don’t mind so much when others call me ‘she’ or a woman, but it’s not how I think of myself.
Agender is the best I can do for now. Gender is not important to me, though how others perceive my gender is. Not to me, but to them, apparently. Plus, I have much solidarity in my heart for what women have gone through, both as individuals and collectively. I know what it’s like to exerience sexism, sexual harrassment, and to be dismissed as a mere woman.
No matter how I think of myself, gender-wise, I know I present as female. I have big tits, birthing hips (as they have been called, yes, to my face), and my hair falls to mid-thigh. I do wear it up, but it’s clear that it’s there. On the other hand, I wear sweats, t-shirts, and shorts. I don’t wear makeup, and I refuse to wear anything other than sneakers (except boots in the winnter if need be).
I would really like to reclaim the word androgynousa nd have it include feminine traits as well as masculine ones, but I think I’m too old for that. I’m tired. I don’t have it in me to fight t hat particular fight. It really chaps my ass that it’s something I’m forced to care about because it’s so central in our society (for almost entirely negative reasons).
If I had my way, everyone would just be allowed to be the gender they are–or not be any gender at all. And no one would give a shit. I mean that in a positive way. Like, there would not be any snideness over it or hatred. Just love and acceptance. Yes, I know that’s a fantasy world, but I did say that would be my ideal.
Gender would be one factor/aspect of someone’s person, but it would not elicit strong negative emotions–only positive ones. Sigh. It’s getting depressing, even for me, just to write that.
Oh, I just read an interview Amy Ray (half of the fabulous duo, Indigo Girls. They were what made me realize that being attracted to women was ok. Along with Melissa Etheridge. I have included a video by the three of them above) in which in 2021, she talked about her gender dysphoria and how she defined herself as genderqueer. And if she was younger, sh probably would hav fun with guys as well as women.
I’ve always had a crush on her beecause she’s my type. Short brown hair; androgynous-looking; more masculine-presenting, but with touches of femininity; deep voice, etc. I’ve had a crush on her for thirty-plus years, and finding out that she was closer to fine, er, nonbinary/genderfluid/genderqueer than female made me crush on her even harder.
Back to life in this hellscape. I chose female rather than nonbinary because I was scared. I’m Asian, which means I’m suspicious, anyway (when it comes to DEI/visible minority/etc). I’m also bi, but that’s not a problem as long as I don’t talk about it because I’m not dating/fucking anyone at the moment. With how volatile the whole gender issue had become, I did not want to touch that with a ten-foot pole. Especially if I was pulled over by the cops.
I’m just feeling so down right now. I did not come back from the dead (twice) for this. I’ve never been a big fan of this country, but wow. I never imagine I would loathe it this much.
*Look. I’m using queer as a catch-all term for now, meaning queer in sexual identity and queer in gender identity. It’s just shorthand and works best for me.