Let’s talk more about health in general. Here is yesterday’s post filled with ranting and ravings about life in general. Despite my best intentions, I went off the rails as usual. Let me try to focus on the point I want to make. Which is that family dysfunction sucks. No, wait! That’s not the point I was trying to make. My point was that it’s hard to tackle health/diet without slipping back into thinking about the eating disordered thinking that my mother has exhibited all her life.
I’m trying to be healthier withouth becoming disordered. I have not been able to do this all my life, so what makes me thinkk that I can do it now?
I think it because I have fifteen years of Taiji under my belt. I think it because I still am thankful to my body for carrying me through my medical crisis–something I should not have survived. Here’s something that many people don’t know; it’s better to be ten pounds overweight than underweight if you suffer a medical crisis. I knew this before my own medical crisis, and it’s something I tell people whenever I can. I feel like a broken record, and most people don’t want to listen. It is so engrained in us that being fat is the worst thing in the world, many people can’t fathom that maybe it’s not true.
I remember several decades ago, I was listening to NPR (or MPR. I’m pretty sure it was NPR, though), and they had a doctor on. She was saying that as you got older, you should GAIN weight, not lose it. Partly for the reason I already said (it cushions your body if anything happens to it), but also for other reasons. Which I don’t quite remember. This reason, though, is the one that stuck in my head. That it’s better to gain weight as you get older to cushion your organs in case something really bad happens to them.
Anyway. I don’t like being fat. I am being truthful in saying that while I can still appreciate what my body has done for me, I don’t like how it looks. There are several reasons for that which I’m not going to get into at this moment. I’ve done it so many times in the past and that, while relevant, is not the point of this post.
I’m trying, yet again, to be healthier without falling into the trap of only carrying about being fat. I’m doing things like walking on the hour when I remember (as I mentioned yesterday). I’m trying to be more consistent with my fruits and veggies, and I think this is a good start.
One of my biggest issues is that if I go hard, I’ll break. The second time I decided to lose weight, I was very conscious about doing it in a healthy way. And ended up fainting on the dance floor of Ground Zero during a concert because I hadn’t eaten all day, knowing I was going to have a drink or two that night. Yes, that’s the way my brain worked back then. If I was going to have two gin and tonics, I had to subtract those calories from somewhere. Which wouldn’t be so bad except I had already cut my intake to the bare minimum someone my height should eat if they were simply sitting on the couch all day song and not doing anything else.
I had all the reasons why what I was doing was not anorexic/bulmic/unhealthy. “I am not disciplined enough to be anorexic!” I would say merrily, as if it was the most creative and clever thing I could have said (it’s not. It’s, instead, terribly trite). No, I was not looking at pictures of trifle for hours, why do you ask? This is also common, by the way. Not looking at pictures of trifle specifcially, but being obsessed with food when you’re severely restricting yourself. When all you can think about is food, of course looking at pictures of trifle for hours on end (and I do mean literal hours) is a natural consequence of this kind of behavior.
Along with baking tons of cookies, cakes, and other sweet treats. Yes, I did this as well. I can’t cook for shit, but I’m decent at baking. I used to make banana bread, zucchini bread (with chocolate chips), seven-layer bars, chocolate chip cookies, other cookies, and I even made a cheesecake once. And I didn’t eat any of it. Or, I ate it and threw it up. But that was only when my iron will gave out.
So, yes. I have a history of shit to wade through when I want to try to be healthy. Doing an hour-and-a-half of martial arts a day is a good start. I’m wilding out with my weapons, quite frankly, and it’s helping mo te ignore the world around me. I am doing using the saber to do the Cane Form, and I have the first two rows on lock. Two out of four, that is. I’m going to focus on the third row next week. And then the fourth row the week after. If all goes well with the third row, that is.
I have also watched the Double Fan Form quite a few times, and I’m messing about with it on my own. I have two fans (actually, I have more than two. I don’t think there’s a double fan set the way there’s a double saber set), so I’ve been experimenting with the two fans. Am I following the actual form? I am not. This is not about me learning the Double Fan Form (yet); it’s about me getting used to wielding two fans at once.
I feel unleashed with my weapons. Knowing that my teacher is fine with me doing whatever I want with the weapons (she said she trusted me when it came to the weapons) was a huge relief for me. I still tend to run things by her before I do them, in general, but I did not with the Double Fan Form. Not because I thought she would object, but because I didn’t think it was necessary. I wanted to do it, and I was capable of doing it, so I just did it.
I think that’s the biggest difference–I now feel that I’m able to do it, so why the hell not? I am not being arrogant about it, but I’m also not hiding my light under a bushel. I’m good at the weapons. I’m not great at it the way some people are–and I don’t give a shit about stats and such. It’s all vibes-based for me, really. It’s about how I feel while moving whatever weapon I have in hand(s). I love that I can look at something and see where I fucked up, why I fucked up, and how the hell I’m going to unfuck it up.
How the hell did I end up here again? Because I love my weapons. I love them deep down in my soul. They give me life in a way that I can’t adequately explain. If I had to give up two of the following three things: FromSoft games, writing, weapons–ah….I don’t htink I could do it. I mean, weirdly, FromSoftt games would be the first because while they are my favorite games, there are just so many other games out there. Also, I am reaching the end of what I’m able to do in FromSoft games, so it might not be my choice for much longer.
Between writing and weapons, though? That’s really hard. I think I would say that it would be…I have to think about it some more. I’m done for now. More in the next post.