Underneath my yellow skin

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Radically rethinking my sleep–and martial arts

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I have two things I want to talk about, so because it’s my blog and I can do what I want to, I’m going to write about both. Or one until I run out of steam and decide to write about the other one tomorrow. They aren’t directly related, but there are tendrils that grow out of each that entwine and become merged together.

Let’s starct with sleep. It sucks. The end.

Of course, that’s not all I have to say about it; I’m just getting started.

I have written about sleep so often, I’m begin to bore myself. But it’s getting worse, so I’m going to keep writing about it. About twenty years ago, my therapist at the time told me of an experimental treatment that was getting some attention. It’s to stay awake for three days (and nights) straight–72 hours in order to jumpstart your brain. (That’s a very grossly simple explanation of what it was supopsed to do.) When I tried it at the time, I made it roughly 62 hours before my bestie called me to say she had her baby–prematurely.

Follishly, I went to the hospital to visit them. I was out of my mind as I talked to K. I don’t remember what I said or if I even saw the baby  through the glass. I think maybe not? As I was driving home, which was the same as if I was driving home from her house, I forgot how to get on the last freeway I needed to travel to get home. When I got home, I went to sleep immediately. (I really, really, REALLY should not have been driving).

Did it jumpstart my brain? Not really. Do I think it’ll do it this time? Not really. But! I think it might interrupt the slide I’m experiencing as far as my struggle to get to bed at a reasonable time.

Side note: I do think there’s too much pressure to go to bed at a ‘good’ hour (which means before midnight I guess?) and to say that anyone who goes to bed after that time has a mental health problem. Yes, there are studies that show that people who go to bed ‘late’ suffer more from depression, but correlation is not causation, and I would wager it’s the other way around. (People who cannot  go  to bed before midnight get depression from trying to force their natural biorhythms to fit those of the world around them.)

That said, I would like to go to bed before the sun rises. I want to aim for 3 a.m. I think that’s reasonable for me (but not tonight).

Side note deux: I was watching a show in which the participants were talking about when do you conside the next day to have begun. These were night owls, andthey did not think of a new day beginning at midnight. I was excited by this because I have long given up that metric as the start of a new day. For me, it’s when I wake up–that’s the new day. Anything before I go to sleep is the same day. In the show I was watching, one person answered that anything until the sun rose was one day. Another said that if he was called anytime before going to bed to set up a meeting at any time after he woke up, that would be the next day, regardless of what time it actually was.


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Talking more about weapons because I can, part six

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Am I back to talk more about my weapon forms? Hell, yes I am! Or Taiji and Bagua in general. Here’s my post from yesterday. I’m stoked to be doing a weapon form for my teacher’s demo (don’t worry. I’ll be terrified later on. I jsut have nearly a year to work on it, so the negative feelings won’t settle in until, hopefully, months down the road). Will I be terrified before doing it? Yes.

I used to do dance when I was a kid and acting/performance whwen I was in my twenties. I got nervous/stage fright/sick to my stomach every time. I’ve forgotten lines while on stage (what actor hasn’t?), and I have survived it. The one thing that I know I need to do before the demo is do the form facing different walls and in different places. It’s too easy to rely on where I am facing in the room I always practice in. I know from switching rooms in the past that it confuses me.

Ideally, I would be able to practice in the actual room where I’ll be demoing before the day of the actual demo, but this probably won’t be possible. so the best alternative is to practice in different rooms facing different ways.

The other thing that I need to do is clean it up. I’ve already tightened it up some, but I need to go back through the form and make sure I have all the postures right. I would not be surprised if I was off on half-a-dozen of the postures. I also won’t be surprised if I’ve forgotten one or two postures. I know my brain isn’t working quite as well as I did before my medical crisis. My memory used to be stellar; now it’s at best adequate. It’s partly getting older, yes, but it’s also the stroke.

It’s funny. I rarely think about the stroke, even though in most cases, it would be a really serious thing. I am still incredibly grateful that I was able to recover from it with nothing more than my memory going bad, some problems doing math in my brain, and occasionally forgetting a word. I will take that over what a stroke usually did to you.

I rarely talk even think about the fact that I had a stroke, but I have. I’m not saying that as an excuse; it’s just facts. I had a stroke during my medical crisis, and I think that sometimes, I do need to pay more attention to it than I do. Not that I have to think about it all the time, but just to take into account that it did happen to me.

I think part of the problem is that the medical crisis I had, which by all accounts, should have knocked me down for the count, was something I walked away from less than a week after I woke up from a week-long coma. I still can’t believe it happened, even though it’s been four-and-a-half years.


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Talking more about weapon forms, part five

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Yes, I’m going to talk more about weapon forms because they have changed my life. Before them, I liked Taiji and appreciated the positive benefits, but I have to admit that I struggled. I liked it enough to keep doing it, but I had to admit that it felt more like a duty than a joy at times. I struggled with the Solo Form from the start, I will admit. Part of it was because I had a horrible teacher before my current one who really messed me up when it came to Taiji. I don’t want to talk about it, but suffice to say that it scarred me so much, I did not try to find a new teacher for nearly ten years after. Well, I think it was more like seven or eight, but still.

When I found my current teacher, the thing that really made me trust her was that she would honestly tell me if she didn’t know something. I had so many questions to ask her, and she was very patient with me. If she knew the answer, she would tell me. If she did not, she would tell me that she would either ask her teacher or look it up. And she always did. That’s the important part. She always came back with an answer, even if it was just to tell me that she didn’t know or couldn’t find the answer.

I fought myself so much in the first few years of learning Taiji. My teacher introduced the Sword Form to me in my second or third year of practice, which helped. However, I still resisted practicing the Solo Form or anything related to it.

If i were to be honest, I still skimp on the hands-only Taiji. I hate to admit it, but it’s just not as interesting to me as the weapons. I do the warmups/stretches every day and one section of the Long Form, but then I spend more time with my beloved weapons. Oh, I do some other hands-only Taiji/Bagua, but it’s still not as much as I do the weapons.

I have talked about it with my teacher beacuse she’s the opposite. She likes the hands-only Taiji much more than she does weapons. I didn’t know it for a long time because she hid it well. She was more than willing to talk about weapons at length because I was so excited about them. It wasn’t until she was teaching me the Saber Form for the second time that I had the realization. And it wasn’t that she actually said it. It was just the difference in how she talked about doing the hands-only stuff and the weapons. In addition, when we talked about the first time she taught me the Saber Form, she mentioned that she had stopped at the end of the fourth line because she hadn’t been confident about the complicated steps that ended that line.

She had made a couple other comments about weapons that made me realize they were not her jam. It wasn’t something I really thought of, though, until we got to the Double Saber Form. I had seen one of her classmates do the form at the demo in February, 2020. That was right before the pandemic closed everything down.


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Weapon forms? Weapon forms it is (part four)

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We’re back to talk more about weapon forms. I need to get deep into my feelings about how learning the Double Fan Form changed me. Here is my post from yesterday talking about some of my issues learning Bagua–and some of my flaws in learning martial arts. I mentioned that I was lazy in a not-good way, and while I try not to get hung up on it, it does bother me sometimes.

Back when I first started learning Taiji, I went to one class a week. I could not make myself practice at home for the life of me. I tried and tried, but I just could not do it. In order to make up for it, I started to go to another class a week, and then another (so in total, three). I still could not make myself practice at home.

I don’t know why my brain just refused to do it. Any time I tried, it would scream at me not to do it. I could not force my body to practice. At all. So I tricked it. I started by doing five minutes of Taiji stretches a day. No actual Taiji, mind. Just five minutes of stretching. For whatever reason, my brain was fine with that. It wasn’t doing actual Taiji, see. It was just stretching.

That got by the block in my head, and then I was able to slowly build up a Taiji practice. In addition to the warmups, I did the Solo Form and walked the circle with my deer horn knives. Then, when I learned the Sword Form, my practice really started taking off. I love me my weapons, and being able to do them on the daily was my happy place.

For a while, it was just the Sword Form, left side and right side. Then, a few years later, I added the Saber Form (with much grief), right side and left side. Then, Cane Form, right and left. Hm. I might have learned that before the Saber–no, it was Saber Form then Cane Form. Then, a few staff/spear drills. Then, it was the Double Saber Form just as the pandemic hit. My teacher taught me the first part of it on Zoom (I think? I’m not sure I’m remembering it correctly), but then we reached a part that she wasn’t sure of. She didn’t say that to me, but we just did not move past a certain point.

I was getting frustrated so I asked if it was OK if taught the rest to myself. Her teacher had a video of his Double Saber Form (she had sent it to me earlier), so I could do it from that. It wasn’t ideal, but it was doable. She gave me her blessing (I wouldn’t have done it otherwise), and I went about teaching myself the rest of the form. It wasn’t too bad, though I need to do some clean up on it.


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Let’s talk more about weapons, part three

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Let’s talk more about weapons. Not necessarily which one I’m choosing for the demo because we all know it’s the Double Fan Form. It was always going to be the Double Fan Form. I mean, I did seriously conside the other weapon forms, and the Double Saber Form came in a close second. I love being a human blender with the double sabers. It’s so much fun! Here was the last post in which I–wait. I never made an official decision, did I? Well, this is the last post in which I mused a lot about it. In fact, I had made my decision for the most part before I even started musing about it, and then I was very tired, so I assumed I had made the actual decision by the end of the post.

So, just in case I haven’t been clear–I’m going to do the Double Fan Form. Which means I have to clean it up. In every form, there are a few postures that I’m not sure of and just fudge. Or I style it out. Or I just do something that’s suitable, but may not be the actual postures. In other words, I get stloppy. And then I have to go back and clean up the mess. Well, not mess, but the mistakes.

One of my flaws is that I get lazy, and not in the good way. What I mean is that I work so hard to learn a form, I’m all used up by the end. It’s a Herculean effort for me to just teach myself the form, my brain complains when I try do the corrections.

I don’t want to fall into the trap of thinking that I have so much time to fix it beacuse it’s almost a year away–the demo I mean. I have two modes–go hard and don’t go at all. When I am in the latter mode, it’s really hard to push me into the former. It’s best for me to stay in the former mode so I won’t get stuck in the latter.

Don’t worry. I’m not talking about being a workaholic or pushing myself to burnout. That’s not my style at all. What I mean is that once I get into the flow, it’s easy for me to stay there. It’s just getting there in the first place that is so fucking hard.

I’m going to include a video of a really cool Fan Form just for the fun of it. It’s not one I do, but it’s really exciting to watch. And I’ve posted it before because it’s just that cool.

Back to the weapon forms. I am currently working on one new one. It’s the Bagua Knives Form because without a doubt, my favorite weapon is the Deer Horn Knives. They feel so right in my hands, that I want to hold them all the time. I was doing the Walking the Circle meditation with them to avoid Taiji meditation, and they became my favorite weapon.


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Ranking my BAEs (weapon forms), part two

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Let’s talk more about the Taiji weapon forms I mean, I’m pretty sure I’m going to do the Double Fan Form for the demo of my teacher’s school next Lunar Near Year. I had a whole post about musing over which weapon form I’ll do. It was my last post, and I narrowed it down to two different weapon forms–the Double Saber Form and the Double Fan Form.

To briefly sumarize why I decided not to do the others: I love the Sword Form, but it’s done as a group for the demo on a frequent basis, so I won’t do it for that reason. And even though I’m pretty sure it’ll be the right side, I don’t want to do the left side of a form that is already being done.

Saber is not a favorite of mine. I have learned to appreciate it after hatting it from the start. It wasn’t the weapon’s fault; I expecetd it to be like the Sword Form except heavier, but it wasn’t that at all. it has a totally different feel to it. You have to move it differently, and its spirit is much heavier than the sword.

My teacher told me the saber was for cavalry as they were used as meat shields. it was considered the lowest of the forms–or rather the easiest to learn. The Sword Form, which was the first form I was taught is considered the second most difficult form. When I asked my teacher why that was the first weapon to be taught, she didn’t really have an answer.

The staff/spear is the hardest weapon to learn, by the way. I know a few drills, but it’s not really one you can practice alone, apparently. Meaning, there really isn’t a Staff Form. I think there is a Spear Form, but I am not sure about that. I would love to do a two-person Spear Form, but it’s pretty far down on my list of weapons to learn.

Right now, I’m concentrating on the left side of the Solo Form. I taught it to myself many years ago, but my teacher’s teacher was in a ‘let’s improve everything at one time’ mood by the time I got to the third section of the form. He kept changing it, and it was frustrating me.   I know that forms are meant to be living and to be updated, but I needed to learn it first before I could start tweaking it. I decided to set it aside until my teacher’s teacher was satisfied with it for a measure of time.

I’m back at it because, and I hate to admit this aloud, I feel some shame that I don’t know the left side of the basic form. I’ve been studying for twenty years, and I should have taught it to myself fairly early on. I learned the right side (the basic form)  within the first year. So, it’s about time to right that wrong.


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Ranking my BAEs (weapon forms) for a reason

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A few months ago, after I finished teaching myself the Double Fan Form, I was talking with my teacher about it and how hard it was for me–to a surprising degree. It wasn’t that I thought it would be easy–well, if I’m going to be completely honest, I did think it would be if not easy, then smooth-sailing.

See, I am good at weapon forms. At learning them, I mean. Learning forms in general, I’m decent at. The Sword Form was the first weapon form I learned, and it was a breeze. Seriously. It was the most natural thing I’d ever done in my life. I loved it so much, and it was all I ever wanted to do with my life.

I’m not going to go through all the other weapons I’ve learned/taught myself, but suffice it to say that except for the Saber Form (which I learned second and mistook it for being the same as the sword but just heavier. It was so very different. Once I internalized this, I was able to learn it fairly easily).

When I decided to teach myself the Double Fan Form, I thought that it would go smoothly. I had already taught myself the Fan Form and the Double Saber Form. Both were intense, but they were both doable.

The longest it had taken me to learn a weapon form/teach one to myself was three months. I thought that should be enough to teach myself the Double Fan Form. And this was after watching several videos of it. I could not find a Yang-style form, so I chose the official Chen-style version with the resolution to adapt it as need be.

Keep that in the back of your mind as I tell you why I’m talking about all the different weapon forms that I have learned/taught myiself.

As I was talking to my teacher about learning the form and how hard it was, we were also talking about the demo that her school always does every year right around the Lunar New Year. She said that she would love for me to do the Double Fan Form for this year’s demo. This was in December, I think, so just two months before the demo.

I quickly said that I would not be ready for this demo (especially as we were talking about me doing the Double Fan Form). She said maybe for next year’s demo as it was a big anniversary for her teacher. We left it at that and moved on with my private lesson.

Yesterday, she was here for my private lesson. She mentioned her teacher’s big teaching anniversary next year (50th). She said that she really would like me to do one of my weapon forms for it. I immediately realized it was not a request, and I said that I would do it. She said that she would leave which form it would be up to me. I immediately said that it would be cool to do the Double Fan Form. She agreed without hesitation, mentioning that no one else in the studio knew that form.


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More on being mindful and meditation

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I want to talk more about mindfulness, meditation, and Taiji. I started a post aabout it yesterday, but as is my wont, I meandered all over the place. And probably fell asleep while writing it. My sleep is just terrible lately, for reasons that aren’t part of this post. So, yeah. Mindfulness? Miss me with that noise.

Look.

Look!

I’m not against mindfulness. In general, I’m pro-doing what makes you feel better as long as it’s not harmful to you in the long run or to other people. And, by not harmful to others, I mean truly harmful. Not, “you hurt me by setting entirely reasonable boundaries” harmful, but actually harmful.

I’m a big believer in acknowledging that most of us are just getting by as best we can. Life is hard, yo. And that’s for almost everyone.

Side note: I had a deep and abiding hatred for Christianity for most of my twenties. I had the  misfortune of being raised in a restrictive, sexist, conservative, Evangelical Christian church. I reacted very poorly to God with a capital G after that.

It took me ten years to get over my hatred. Then, I spent my late-thirties being studiously neutral to Christianity (while secretly judging it). It’s only in my forties and fifties that I can truly say that I’m fine with Christianity*.

Side note to the side note: It’s like Christmas and my birthday. I hated both when I was younger.Really hated them both. Then I reached a point when I said I didn’t hate them any longer, but still felt negatively about them. It took a long time (and a lot of Taiji) before I actually felt neutral about them. Do I feel positively about them? No. But, I’ll take it as a win that I no longer hate both.

Also, I have a new birthday. It’s the day I died and came back to life. It means much more to me than my actual birthday because, well, it just does.

Side note to the side note to the side note: When I was in my twenties, my mom would call me every year on my birthday. Foolishly, I would try to brush it off because I absolutely hated my birthday back then. My mother would get teary and go on and on about how important the day had been to her. That and the birth of my brother were the two most important events of her life. She went on about it for so long, I started comforting her.

That’s my role in life, you see. I’ve called myself her emotional support human, and I am used to it now. Back then, though, it really chafed that she dumped all this on me ON MY BIRTHDAY. It had to be about her, even on a day that was supposedly supposed to be about me. One reason I hated my birthday, by the way.

Wow. I really went in circles in this post, didn’t I?


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My goals for 2026, part three

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Here we are in post three about what I want to do with my life in 2026.I have several goals, but there are three that I consider my priority. In yesterday’s post, I mostly wrote about Taiji and Bagua forms, of which there are several I want to teach myself. The goal for the year is to teach myself the Bagua Knives Form (with the deer horn knives), but in order to do that, I first have to teach myself the left side of the Swimming Dragon Form. Well, I don’t have to, but my teacher highly recommended it.

She told me there really wasn’t a Swimming Dragon Form with the deer horn knives, which made me sad. That’s really my ultimate goal in Bagua, and she said that basically, I would have to cerate my own. I’m up for it, but just not yet. Frist step is to teach myself the left side of the Swimming Dragon Form. I’m halfway done with that, and I should be able to finish it in a month or so. Or two. I want to be generous to myself so let’s say two.

My third goal is perhaps the hardest one of all. Well, that’s not true, but it’ll be difficult for different reasons.

3. I will find a queer/genderqueer Asian group, probably online.

I feel a lack of Asian people in my life. Asian American, to be more specific. And queer people. And genderqueer people. Ideally, I would like it to be all at the same time because it’s combining race, gender, and sexuality is a tricky triple combo. As with everything else in my life, I have to pare down what I’m looking for. If I was going to be unrealistic, I would add areligious to the mix, along with body positive, into martial arts, and black cats. In other words, people a lot like me. Oh! And autism and/or ADHD. Again, asking for all of that is a tall order, so I’m trimming it to gender, race, and sexual identity.

This will be hard because of my specific wants. It’s not just queer–it’s bisexual/polysexual/whatever you want to call it. In other words, not gay. I know that everyone thinks queer means gay, but it doesn’t. Bi erasure is real (or whatever you want to call it these days–bi, I mean. I’m not sold on it and never have been, but I can’t think of anything I like better. So for now, bi means people like me and people not like me. Said with a grumpy sigh), and it’s so fucking tired.

It’s the same with gender identity. I don’t mean nonbinary–I mean agender. They are different things, or at least they are to me. I don’t fluctuate in my gender like some people do. This is something that I have such a hard time explaining because I can’t make it make total sense in my own bran.


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More musing about martial arts in 2026

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I’m back to talk more about my martial arts in the next year. Before I get to that, though, my god. My sleep is so off the rails. Like, this is the worst it’s been in quite some time. Ugh. I’m trying very hard to get it back on track, but for whatever reason, it’s just not working.

Back to martial arts.

By the way, I still think immediately ‘taiji’ and then add ‘bagua’ afterwards. I’m fine with that as I’ve been studying Taiji for fifteen years and Bagua less than one. Or right around one. This is the post from yesterday in which I talk about the Double Fan Form and how close I am to f inishing it. Soooooo close. In fact, I could have finished it by now, but I’ve been pacing myself. I don’t want to rush at the end just to say I have it finished.

I’mma be real with you. I am very proud of myself for sticking with it. I have never had this much trouble with a form before,, and I had to really push myself some days to get it done. I’m weird in that I either quit right away when I can’t do something or I push myself past the point where it’s smart or reasonable.

To be fair, I have proven I can do it this time. Well, I have one posture left to go, but I don’t think I’m speaking out of pocket by declaring it finis (at some point soon).

What’s next? I can’t help but think about it because I’m that close. I know I’ve said that I want to focus on refining the forms I alreadyy know, but I can’t deny that mumur in the back of my head saying, “But what about a new form?”

“Oh, you should just CTFO and refine the forms you already–”

“Ok, but what about a new form, though?”

Now, I’d like to tell you that I will be mature and work on refining the forms I already know. That I’ll be thoughtful and reflective next year so my current forms will be better. I do think I’ll do some of that, but I also know myself. I am going to teach myself another form. Or I’m going to create a form.

Might as well shoot for the top, then. Swimming Dragon Form (hands only) on the left side. Plus, my teacher’s teacher’s Bagua Form with Deer Horn Knives. Or maybe I’ll create a Swimming Dragon Form with the Deer Horn Knives. It’s going to be something with the Deer Horn Knives. I can tell you that much. They are my favorite weapon, and I am excited to do an actual form with them. It’s the whole reason I started learning Bagua.


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