With difficulty, I’m going to wrench myself away from talking about weapons, at least for one post. The reason is because I need to talk about something else important in my life–my mental health. It’s in the shitter, and I’m really struggling. There are many reasons for it, but I want to focus on a few. And what I want to do to combat the depression/anxiety.
My sleep has been so bad since–well for over a year, but even more intensely since the time change. Today, I was going to get up at 11 a.m. so I could do my Taiji/Bagua routine before watching RKG (or RG in this case) stream the latest It Takes Two joint, Split Fiction, at noon. Instead, I set my alarm for noon, and was unpleasantly surprised when I looked at the clock.
I blame the time change, but it’s also that my brain is really unhappy right now. There are reasons for it, including not going out much. I mean, I never went out that much, but it’s been cut down even more since my medical crisis because I don’t feel comfortable driving. Just in general, but even more so at night and on the freeway. Obviously, this makes it hard to get out and do things, and I don’t feel comfortabel having people at my house.
That’s another thing. I need to fix things around the house. But every time I think of it, I feel discouraged and ashamed. I am so bad at cleaning. Even with someone who cleans every other week, the house is a mess. I need to make a list of things that need to be fixed, and then I have to tackle them one by one. I just don’t know if I can do it without feeling a ton of shame. In addition, I have to do several steps before I can get to the point of actually doing what I need to do.
Then, there’s the fact that Ifeel isolated emotionally. I don’t feel like I am being a good friend, and I don’t feel that I’m maintaining my relationships well. In addition, I want to expand my community, whether online or off. I want to find other queer PoC, which isn’t easy to find. Throw in genderfluid, and it’s like looking for a unicorn. Also, when I say PoC, I mean Asian. That, of course, makes it even more difficult.
That’s the story of my life, though. I always have to be different, even when I really, really don’t want to be. And I don’t know how to find people who are similar to me in more ways than one. That might be a folly–looking for camaraderie where there is possibly none.
This is the same issue when I’m looking for a therapist. I have to cut it down to three or four things I’m looking for. But, I will say I have found one who might fit the bill. Asian, genderqueer, a creative, and I think queer. E hdid not share a pronoun so dare I hope agender? E offers a free consultation, so I should do it. I haven’t, though, and I feel bad about that as well.
I feel bad about everything right now. There are many reasons for it, but a big one is the family shit. It’s not going well, and the conversations with my mother have me in a knot. It’s not only because of her usual bullshit, but my father is getting worse. We’re getting down to the brass tacks, which means some serious discussions about the end of his life. And maybe the end of my mother’s. I can handle the discussions about death, but the other shit surrounding it? Not so much.
My mother has a very twisted outlook on life. I had learned a long time ago that I could not rely on her version of events becauseshe was looking through a very distorted lens. I knew that in my thirties, but it’s only been lately that I’ve truly understood how deeply that point of view ran.
My mother has a very set idea about how people should be. She does not adjust well to people who don’t act in what she considers the proper way. This has come up because the aide she has is from a different culture, and my mother is not dealing with it well. Same with the aide before her, and they are both from the same other culture.
My mother has complained nonstop about both these aides (in different ways), and I have a hard time assessing what is a valid complaint and what isn’t. After my brother and his GF went to visit after Christmas, I asked what he thought of the aide. My mother had called while my brother was in Taiwan (not beacuse he was there, but just to talk), and she unloaded a lengthy complaint about the aide. I asked my brother what he thought, and his version was much different than my mother’s.
Do I think my mother is lying? Not exactly. I just think she is so stuck in her way, she can’t see anything else. And she thinks anybody disagreeing with her is acting out/up. I could never contradict her when I was younger (or hell, now) without her making her eating lemons face and remonstrating me for shouting or talking back. So when she says the aide shouts at her, well, I’m not sure how to take that. She also says that everyone agrees that the aide was being rude, but that’s something that could go either way as well. I could easily see her being outraged at the behavior, and the other people around her being noncommittal in the ‘mmmmhmmmm’ way, which my mother might take as agreement.
That’s the difficulty. I don’t know who to believe. It’s also true that old people aren’t always treated well, and they are easy to prey on/abuse. My parents are eighty-five and eighty-three. They are frail and in the last leg of their journey here on earth. That means they are vulnerable.
I need to go to bed. I’ll be back tomorrow.