In the new year, I have three big goals I want to attain. I also have a bunch of other smaller goals that I wish to do, too. Well, not smaller per se because some will be harder, but not my main goals. I talked about my mental health and finding a therapist in the last post. In this one, I want ta talk about finding a fuck buddy or three.
In early February of 2020, I decided that I wanted to start dating. Not to find ‘the one’ or to be in a lifelong relationship, but because, quite frankly, I was horny as fuck. I’ve always been good at sex, but I’m pretty bad at romantic relationship. I was not a good partner for reasons that were partly my fault and partly not. Family training is hard to break, and I have been trying for nearly fifty years.Plus, I never really wanted to be in a long-term committed monogamous realtionships. I thought I would be married by the time I was thirty because that was drilled into my head as the only proper thing for a woman to do–and then I would squeeze out a kid or two in following God’s great plan for every wonman on earth.
Looking back, I’m appalled at how I bought it hook, line, and sinker. I mean, I don’t really blame myself because your family is all you know as a kid. It’s the norm, and if your family is fucked up, well, then that’s your base normal.
I am so grateful that I knew I realized I did not want children before my mother started her full-court press to get me pregnant. And, no, I’m not being too harsh on her because she spent fifteen years nagging me to have children. It started when i turned twenty-six and she commented that she had my brother at that age. Every time we talked after that, she managed to work me having children into the conversation. When she came in the summer to visit for a month, she mentioned it nearly every day.
When my grandmother was diagnosed with cancer, my mother told me that my grandmother would really like to be a great-grandmother before she died. I was the oldest AFAB grandchild on that side of my family, and the fact that my mother was telling me meant that she was just using it as another cudgel to get me pregnant.
I reminded her that it took a while to meet someone, get married (they’re devout Christians), and get pregnant. Not to mention the nine months of gestating the baby. She said she was sure my grandmother would be fine if I skipped right to the having the baby part. My jaw dropped because as I noted, they are deeply Evangelical. I marveled at how a lifetime of very rigid and strict conservative morals were dropped just like that for what was ultimately a selfish desire.
Keep in mind that my grandmother didn’t actually care about her grandchildren–well, at least not me and my brother.I don’t think she said one word to me in the half-dozen times I had met her, and it’s probably because I was the cursed girl-child of her least-favorite girl child. It’s ironic that my mother spent her whole life struggling against the rampant sexism her mother practiced against her, but also doubled down in trynig to instill it in me.
When I realized I did not want children, it was such an utter relief. I am very proud of myself for not giving into my mother’s pressure to have them. I’m not good at standing up for myself, but I knew it would be an utter disaster. Not just because I knew I would be a terrible mother–by the way, it makes people really uncomfortable for a female-looking person to baldly say that. Even when I said it as matter-of-factly as possible, I had people rush to disagree with me.
Later, I realized I did not want to get married, have a long-term monogomaus realtionship, or live with someone. None of that appealed to me, and it was just something Iassumed I had to do. Same with having children. Once I realized that I did not have to follow societal norms, all bets were off.
It did come with a lot of pushback, which made me sadder, but so much wiser. And it hardened my resolve not to have children. See, if someone pushes me to do something I don’t want to do, I will want even less to do it. But, I’m also hard-pressed to stand up for myself because I’ve been trod on for all my life and told over and over again that my feelings don’t matter. I don’t matter, or rather, I only matter in relation to what I can do for others.
I bring all that shit into my romantic relationships–or I did in the past. Yes, I could go into therapy to fix all that is wrong with me in order to be in a relationship, but it’s just not that important to me. What I mean is that I find relationships to be hard in general given my weirdo brain, and I don’t have much give to give in that area. And, I would rather make a new solid friend or two while having a few fuck buddies to take the edge off rather than try to combine the two.
Oh yeah. I was going to get back on the dating apps in February of 2020. Well, we all know what happened that month. A little something called a worldwide pandemic. And lockdown. Yeah, that was not going to be the best time to try to start dating again, so I put it on the back shelf for the next few years. Yes, I know that people did pandemic Zoom dating, but since I specifically was looking to get laid, Zoom dating was not for me.
In April and May of 2021, I got my COVID vaccinations. I started cautiously venturing outside once again. Hey, maybe it was time to fire up my OkCupid profile and get out there! Well, September 3rd, 2021, I had a medical crisis to defy all medical crises, and once again, dating was put on the back burner. I was alive, damn it, and that was enough.
I had another major life tragedy almost two years ago, and I’m just reaching the point where I can think about it without tearing up. And I’m thinking about the apps once again. I’m a bit hesistant, though, given how much life has said no the last times I’ve made the decision to date.
That’s why it’s not an immediate goal because I’m not sure I’m ready for yet another life tragedy at this point. Well, also, there are other things going on in my life that I need to deal with. I may try to spruce up my profile, though. I did take a good look at it when my brother got on the apps for the first time (two-and-a-half years ago), but I’m sure there are things I’d need to update.