Underneath my yellow skin

Fuck it all to hell

so. damn. tired.
Cannot move an inch.

I’m so fucking tired. Not of anything in particular (though I have plenty of that, too), but literally so. fucking. tired. For the past three days, I’ve been dozing on and off throughout the evenings, then crashing hard during the night. Yet, I couldn’t sleep for more than five hours or so. I’m currently watching a Try Guys video on driving while sleep-deprived (early access for being a Patreon member of a certain tier. They’re doing a series driving while ______, and this one is where they had a twenty-four hour stay awake party, then drive on a contained course. It’s well known that driving while sleep-deprived is as bad if not worse than driving while drunk. The doctor in the video said that it was ideal for people to get 7 – 8 hours of sleep a night, and I had to laugh, albeit bitterly. I’ve gotten up to 6 hours, but 7 hours seems like an impossible dreams. I used to get 4 hours a night on a good night, but I’m up to 6. Also, when the doctor advised not to drive when you’re sleep-deprived, I actually snorted out loud. That meant I would never drive, which isn’t possible where I live.

I remember once when I was deep in the middle of my chronic depression, my therapist suggested trying to stay awake for 72-hours as there was some evidence that it can jump-start the brain out of depression. I decided to give it a whirl, and made sure to plan it around a time where I wouldn’t have to leave the house for those three days. Well, life happens. My BFF had her baby six-weeks early, right around the sixty-hours-awake mark. In addition to me doing this experiment, I had an incipient cold. I had to go see my BFF’s baby, of course, or at least visit them in the hospital. I managed to make it there, talked to my BFF, didn’t see the baby because she was in the ICU and I did NOT want to give her germs, then started driving home.

I was going down a road I’d traveled hundreds of times. I could make that drive in my sleep. but, with a lack of sleep (going on sixty-two hours), I suddenly had no idea where I was. I looked at the road ahead of me and did not recognize it. It was as if I’d never had seen it before. I somehow managed to make my way home (still don’t know how), held out for another hour or so, then crashed hard.

When I was in my second year of college, I started having weird fugue states in which I would phase out of reality then ‘wake up’ a few minutes later with no idea of what just happened. I wasn’t sleeping as made clear by the fact that if I were talking to someone, they still were talking to me as if we were having a normal conversation. I had to pretend I knew what they were talking about, which was disconcerting. Worse yet, though, was that I would ‘fall asleep’ while driving, only to ‘wake up’ a few minutes later having no idea where I was. Fortunately, the routes I was taking were familiar, so my best guess is that my brain went on auto-pilot. Still, I was very lucky I didn’t have a horrible crash.

I also had an incident that made me very aware of not being in the moment and trying to do too much with too little. I have a traveling cup I use for hot drinks. It says, “You cannot imagine the immensity of the fuck I do not give” on it, and it was given to me by my BFF one Christmas. She knows me far too well. Anyway, I had boiling hot tea in the cup as I only like boiling hot drinks or ice cold drinks. I don’t like anything in between. I set the cup down in this crevice in the couch (which I’ve done many times before), and it immediately tipped over. It scalded my elbow, causing me to say many bad words. I’ve done this often–burning myself with tea, the toaster over, the regular oven, etc., because of my own stupidity. This is by far the worst, however, and I’m hoping I’ve learned my lesson–but I probably haven’t. If I know myself, I’ll keep it on the coffee table (where it is now) for a few days, and then I’ll fall back into my lazy habit of putting it in the crevice so I don’t have to stretch a few inches to grab the cup.

Side Note: Because I was so tired, I was stumbling around the kitchen last night, trying to read my phone at the same time. I smashed the burn blister on the handle on the fridge and it hurt like a motherfucker! Fortunately, I bought some aloe vera jelly (at the advice of my taiji teacher. She sang the praises of aloe vera for burns), and I’ve been slathering it on the burn like crazy since I bought it. It’s very soothing, and it’s not meant to heal the burn, obviously, but it does help with the inflammation and the pain.

I’m lazy in a bad way. I want to carry as much as possible in one trip so I don’t have to make several trips. That’s how I’ve spilled my tea on myself before several times. My taiji teacher has a saying she heard from one of the masters, “The laziest donkey carries the heaviest load.” I get what it means, and I understand why it’s bad, but I can’t break myself from thinking that doing everything at once is the best way to do it. Best from the perspective that I won’t have to make several trips. My taiji teacher pointed out that it’s more efficient in the long run to make two trips with less of a load each time than to struggle with one, and I know she’s right, but it’s still a hard habit to break.

Back to sleep. I cut back my caffeine intake a few months ago. It was rough, but I eventually managed to get down to one cup of caffeinated tea a day. Then, when I got sick, I started drinking a shit-ton of ginger tea, which doesn’t have caffeine it, and herbal tea, which also doesn’t have caffeine in it. So, basically, I haven’t been drinking caffeine most of the time. Yesterday, while I was at the co-op, I grabbed a big bottle of almond milk latte because I was so damn tired. I don’t like using crutches to get through the day, but I need that little boost.

I know part of the problem is that I’ve overdone it in the last two taiji classes, but it’s hard to think about it during class. I’m not deliberately going full-bore, but it’s easy to do because it doesn’t feel like much while I’m doing it. It’s the Sword Form, I know. I love it, which makes me all-in when I do it. Which means it’s easier to overdo. It’s a weight-bearing exercise, which makes it actual work. I could barely keep my eyes open yesterday, and I’m sure it was both because of class from the day before and because I’m recovering from the sickness.

Which, by the way, is mostly gone. However, I had a bit of coughing last night, and a bit of coughing this morning, so I’m wary. I do NOT want round four of the crud, but there isn’t much I can do about it. I know I need to see a doctor about all the sickness plus my digestion issues, but I have absolutely no energy right now. I’ve been up for a few hours, and I’m ready for a nap. This apparently is my life right now.


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