My brain is weird. I’ve known this ever since I wsa a kid, but back then, I just thought it was that my brain was broken. My mom was a psychologist, but she also had very traditional Taiwanese ideas about, well, everything. She had definite ideas of what a girl child should be, and I failed miserably in every aspect. A girl should be demure, quiet, acquiescent, nurturing, always thinking of others, docile, and most importantly, she should never ever EVER be noticed. Ever!
It’s ironic because she was everything she told me not to be. Opinionated, athletic, sporty, and more masculine than not. She was just continuing the dysfunction that she learned in her own home, from her own mother who was also a raging hypocrite when it came to what she espoused girls/women should do and what she actually did.
If my mother had been able to break away from the idea that she had to be a wife and a mother, her life would have been so much better. Instead, she bought it hook, line, and sinker, and did her level best to make me as miserable as she was. I’m grateful that I realized at a fairly early age that I did not have to get married and/or have children. I’ve never wavered from that, and I’m profoundly glad that I, the most indecisisve and pushover of people, stood firm for once in my life.
What does this have to do with today’s post? Not much, but I just wanted to muse about it for a bit. Also, part of what I consider my broken brain is that I can’t for the life of me go from point A to point B in a straight line. I like to joke that I don’t do anything straight, but it’s true. Everything is interconnected in my brain, so I can’t just focus on one thing or the other.
I started teaching myself the Bagua Knife Form yesterday. I wasn’t going to do it until I finished teaching myself the left side of the Swimming Dragon Form, but, well, my brain said, “Here me out. What about now?”
I have taught myself roughhly three-fourths of the left side of the Swimming Dragon Form. I am pleased with how fast I’m learning it, but not entirely surprised. This is one of my favorite forms, and it was fairly easy for me to learn.
It’s the same as the Sword Form. That was the first weapon form I learned, and I stormed through it. I was so eager to learn the whole thing, and once I was done, I taught myself the left side in short order. I do need to do a bit of clean up on it, though.
Once I started teaching myself the left side of the Swimming Dragon Form, it was a breeze. Until it wasn’t. But then it was again! But then it wasn’t. There was no middle ground with this form–it was either easy or hard.
One thing I’ve noticed is that if I’m having trouble teaching myself something on the left side, it’s because I was fudging it on the right side. That’s on me. It would behoove me to take more care with each form, and one of my unspoken/unwritten goals in 2026 is to clean up the forms I already know. I’m already doing that with the Double Fan Form, but I want to do it with all the forms I know.
Here’s the reason I’m talking about the way I think about things. When I came up with my three main goals, they were very specific in my mind. With the Bagua one, I decided that I wanted to teach myself the Bagua Knife Form, but after talking about it with my teacher, we decided it would be best if I taught myself the left side of the Swimming Dragon Form first. Why? Because that’s hands only and the basic form of Bagua. It’s best to know it well before trying to learn other forms.
It makes sense to do it the way we discussed. Learn the Swimming Dragon Form, right side then left. Then and only then, move onto the Bagua Knife Form. But, and this is where my weird brain comes in. While I understand the reason for waiting, my brain goes, “Hear me out. No.” Not only does it just want to learn the Bagua Knife Form, it thinks that learning it at the same time as it’s learning the left side of the Swimming Dragon Form works perfectly fine.
You know what? It’s not wrong. There is a pleasing tingle in my brain when I do them back to back or near enough to each other. I don’t know why, but I’m not arguing with it, either.
The Bagua Knife Form is fucking amazing; it’s quite the weight-bearing activity, though. I walk the circle every day but Saturday. I do it hands only for three days and with the Deer Horn Knives for the other three. Today is a hands only day, and walking the circle (half) is at the very beginning of the Bagua Knife Form.
Clarification: When I walk the circle on a daily basis, it’s eight postures for eight counts each, and after doing it one way, I turn around and do it the other way. With the Bagua Knife Form, it’s going one way and not the other. Thats’ why I call it half of walking the circle.
There are two prep steps before walking half the circle, and then there is a flurry of postures that demonstrate how to use the knives. And the few postures I’ve taught myself are similar to movements in the Karambit Form.
It feels right to teach myself the Bagua Knife Form now instead of waiting. In part because I’m almost done with the left side of the Swimming Dragon Form, but in a larger part, it’s because my brain wants it. Even if I can’t articulate why, that’s just how it goes. It feels right, and I’m loving it.
It’s hard to explain how the right weapon in my hand/s just lights up my entire being. I feel connected to them in a way that is like nothing else. It haappened with the sword, and it happened with the deer horn knives. You know how people talk about love at first sight? That’s the feeling I have for the deer horn knives. The second my teacher placed them into my hands, I knew that they were meant to be mine.
There are weapon forms that I like; there are weapon forms that I love; and there are weapon forms that I live (make me feel alive). deer horn knives fit into the last category. They are incredible, and I need more of them in my life. I feel warm and fuzzy when I’m practicing with them, and that’s a rare feeling for me. Deer horn knives are my happy place, and I want to be there as often as possible.