Let’s talk more about how I brain–or don’t. One of the most frustrating things is to be told not to worry/be anxious, etc. Or to be told that it doesn’t help. Of course it doesn’t! I already know that. I try not to talk about my anxiety because I know it doesn’t help, but that doesn’t mean it’s not there. I hide it better than most, but it’s still pretty bad.
I noted that when I had my medical crisis, I came out of it with my depression down by 90% and my anxiety down by about 60%. Now, it’s because up to depression about 80% of what I used to have and my anxiety is about 90%. I’m talking of the original depression and anxiety. Granted, it’s still down from what it used to be, but it’s still not great.
It’s so frustrating to know that much of my problem is (literally and figuratively) in my head. I am am used to thinking my way out of my problems, and I can’t do that when my brain is the problem in the first place.
Side note: I have been working on my Taiji/Bagua routine. I have it somewhat hammered out in that I do all the Taiji stretches/warmups every day. I also do one section of the Taiji Solo (Long Form) every day. In addition, I do the Swimming Dragon Form (left side or right side) every day. All of these are easy and gentle, which is why I can do them every day. Before, I had all my weapons rotating on a weekly basis. This was fine when I only knew a few weapon forms. Now, though, I know…let’s count them. Sword Form (left and right); Saber Form (left and right); Cane Form (left and right); Cane Form with Saber (left and right); Double Saber Form (right); Double Fan Form (right); Fan Form (right); and I’m learning the Bagua Knife Form (right). I’m almost done with it; I’m hoping to finish it in a month or two. I also do a staff/spear set that is not a form. I’m hoping my teacher can teach me the two-person forms for the staff/spear–they’re all very short. Or the two-person form.
I want to work on Push Hands (which is the basis for the two-person form. I’ll write more about that later.
Back to the weapon forms. I was doing the forms a varying amount of times a week. The Double Fan Form I do every day as it’s my newest form, and I want to make sure it gets in my body. Plus, I’ll be doing it for the next demo, so I want to have it down.
When I knew four or five weapon forms, it was fine to practice them all every week. I did one a day, and I was good to go. Now, though, it’s overwhelming. The whole routine takes up to two hours, and that’s too much. I was starting to hate practicing my weapons. Or rather, not hate, but dread. That’s when I needed a change.
I talked it over with my teacher, and she was very encouraging. It’s one thing I really appreciate about her. She tries to combat the ever-pervasive American idea of overdoing it. She doesn’t want us to give 110%–hell, she doesn’t want us to even give 100%. I’m guessing about 75% would be fine with her. And she’s very relaxed about us making mistakes. She knows it’s human to make mistakes–and we’re all humans. In fact, she knows better than anyone that trying to be perfect leads to more mistakes.
In addition, Taiji is a living, breathing art. It’s not something set in stone, so it’s always evolving. It’s been a frustration for me because my teacher’s teacher has fiddled with the Solo Form ever since I started studying with my teacher. Well, I’m sure he did it before then, too, but that’s the relevant point to me.
I was teaching myself the left side of the Solo (Long) Form when my teacher’s teacher started really changing it up. He seemed to be changing it on the daily, and this was when I was two-thirds of the way through the third section (last section) of the form. He was changing it so often, I just finally gave up. I decided to wait until he was done fucking with the form before I finished teaching myself the left side of the form.
That lasted a year or so, and by then, I was into the weapons. Now, I feel like I should finish teaching myself the left side of the form. I have the first two sections down pretty well. The third section is the longest and the most difficult, so I’m buckling myself up for the ride. Granted, I did teach myself two-thirds of it, but that was over a decade ago. I feel like I’ll probably have to do it all again.
Why? Because one, there have been a significant amount of changes in the third section. Two, it’s the most difficult section because it puts together everything you’ve learned in the first two sections. Three, it’s the longest. It gets broken down in three parts whereas the first section is only one part and the second section has two.
Huh. I just realized that the first section has one part; the second section has two parts; and the third section has three parts. I’m sure it was done on purpose, which is amusing to my brain. The third section is longer that the first two sections put together, which is one reason it has three parts.
I know that there have been some changes done to the third section in the last year or so, and I’m not sure I have all of them. Yes, the names of the movements are different, but that doesn’t mean I can automatically remember what the name means.
The third section already has the hardest series of movements in the form. I call them My Fair Ladies, and there are four of them. When I first started, they were much harder than they are now. Very elaborate arm movements, and the feet movements were actually painful. I had to cheat on one of them because I physically could not do it.
I’ll write more about it tomorrow.