I want to talk more about bumping up against the line in a crowd. What line? The line of what is socially acceptable and what isn’t. Here is my post from yesterday in which I talked about a guy who used all the classic derailing tactics when he was called out on his bullshit after making a gross comment (not. a. joke) out of nowhere.
There were several things wrong with what he did, starting with the initial comment. Here’s the thing, though. That could have been forgiven (though, to be honest, Bob, the name I gave this guy, was on many people’s last nerve), but when he doubled down and turned it on how everyone else was just an uptight prude, and likened himself to a comedian being…pilloried for something or the other–that’s when he completely lost many people in the channel. It was unhinged, quite frankly, and I didn’t want to give enough brain cells to understand it.
In addition, he said we were all uptight, which made me roll my eyes so hard, I almost sprained them. I am the filthiest person in the Discord, though I keep twenty percent of it to myself. Hm…..Maybe twenty-five percent. Thirty? Something like that.
Again, what he said wasn’t funny. It wasn’t even dirty in the way he was implying with the prude comment. That was another mistake he made–thinking that making a comment tangential to a sexual predator was the same as making an edgy sexual joke.
Here’s another issue I have in deciding whether to talk about something or not. If I can’t even think about how to bring up the issue, I just let it go. In this case, it would have been trying to tell him why he was wrong. Not just the comment, but the whole context, and the fact that he so badly read the room. And that he threw a tantrum over being told (again, quite gently) that had stepped over the line.
Another factor in whether I speak up or not is if other people do. If they do, then I don’t feel as pressured to say something. In this case, several people immediately clapped back at him. Hard. Hard as in many people doing it at the same time. Not hard as in being mean. They were frank and open, but not mean.
I have not seen that reaction in person many times. I mean, the classic DARVO action by Bob. But, as I mentioned, this guy was always online and surrounded himself with likeminded people. That was another defense of his, by the way. That it was fine with his friends. Or was the other guy who I mentioned in the first post? I think this guy tried to use a similiar tweet situation (tangentially similar) to justify what he’d done.
It’s astounding to me how many people just keep digging that hole. Someone says that something hurt them, and at the very least you just stay silent. I would not apologize if I truly didn’t think I said something wrong, but I also wouldn’t keep pushing it. Not for something I claimed was a joke.
Side note: There are times whwen you don’t back down. Like I did with the other debate I mentioned. The issue was important enough to me that I kept pushing. Here’s the thing. If I don’t have trust/faith in the person I’m talking to, I won’t bother to try more than one or two times to give my opinion.
In this case, it was that I wanted to stay in the Discord. I could not have if I let this issue stand as it was presented. I would not have felt comfortable, so I did it for myself. If I had gotten several people telling me I was out of line or vehemently disagreeing with me, I would have left.
Here’s the thing. I have my own lines. There are things I can put up with and things I can’t. In this case, I was making the comment for myselff. I wasn’t trying to convince anyone, but I knew that I would feel bad about myself if I hadn’t said anything.
In contrast, there isn’t any joke I could make that I would feel bad not saying it. There was a time when I was younger and in theater that I made a crass joke while waiting for my turn to act. I made it to one friend, and it was away from other people. One of the directors heard it and told me that I should not say things like that because it could make people uncomfortable. I wrote her off at the time, uncharitably thinking that she was the one who had a problem with it, but in time, I realized that she was right. We were there to do a job, and it wasn’t as if people could just leave at any time.
I do know there’s a weird line between what’s acceptable and what isn’t because of who is in the in-group and who is in the out-group. Earlier in this Discord, there was a guy who was also on the outside for very valid reasons. He was misogynistic, racist, and just a jerk in general. What I didn’t like is that the in-group would talk about him behind his back. And there were times when I agreed with him, even though he was such a jerk.
I hate that, by the way. When someone I really don’t like says something I have to defend. He was kicked out soon after and that comment was in a channel I don’t comment in, but I would have felt the need to defend him if it had happened again in a channel I did frequent. Because that’s another thing about me that is probablyl linked to neurodivergence–I don’t care if someone is on my team or not. If they’re right; they’re right. And I will say that, even if it makes me angry. I hate having to defend someone I dislike; I really do. But I don’t feel right when someone is being bullied, either.
It’s difficult for me because I don’t know where that line is all the time or why I should stay on this side of it. Yes, I don’t want to make other people uncomfortable, but sometimes, people need to be uncomfortable. It’s a question of if I’m making them uncomfortable for a good or bad reason. More tomorrow.