The failure mode of clever is asshole – John Scalzi
This is a quote that has gotten some mileage online and for good reason. John Scalzi wrote a whole post about this back in 2010. I’m sure it was in reaction to something that happened, but that part doesn’t matter. It’s been a wihle since I’ve read the whole post, but that quote has always stuck in my head. Plus, people use it a lot online (and usually in the correct way). I reread the post when I decided to head this post with it, and it’s definitely not “apropos of nothing in particular” as he says at the start of the post. That is neither here nor there, though, because it’s still relevant.
Now, he used it specifically for people who were DMing someone for the first time (or something similar), but it works in a broader sense, too. if you’re in a group that isn’t your tight group of friends who know you really well, the stakes are really high (socially) to make a risque/crude/gross comment. Not a joke, though it’s often phrased that way (afterwards, in defense).
Here’s my first post in which I talk about a situation that happened in the Discord I’m in. A person whom I’m calling…Bob. That’s the name I gave him. He made a comment that he said was a joke (but it wasn’t), then furiously doubled down when others called him on it.
I got to it late and was very tired. I don’t like getting into frays, so I have to decide if it’s important enough for me to say something. It takes a lot of energy for me to debate things especially as I automatically think my way of thinking is wrong*. I’m not a good debater, and I can end up feeling frustrated at the end of things if I haven’t changed the other person’s mind.
One thing that plays into my decision whether or not to debate is if I think I have any chance on changing someone’s mind. I know it’s futile to think that way because most people reading will never comment, but might think about what I have to say. But in general, I evaluate whether the person I’m responding to is worth it.
On the other hand, sometimes a topic is important enough to talk about it whether I think I can change anyone’s mind or not. That happened recently in which I read comment after comment that irritated me on a specific subject. It went on and on with a health amount of “kids today” underlying the whole argument. And, “I’m one of the good ones”, too. Both of these are lines that really stick in my craw.
The first one, especially, because every fucking generation says it about the next one. The reasons may change, but the sentiment doesn’t. It’s always, “We had to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps and kids today have it so easy.” Which, by the way, has never been true. Every time has its hardships, and now more so than ever.**
In the case of Bob, he’s a lost cause. I mean, yes, anyone can change, but he’s a lost cause as far as how much I want to invest in him versus how much time and energy it would take to make a difference. Also, I’ve given him several chances. I’m done.
It’s interesting, though, the way group dynamics work. In any group, there are spoken and unspoken rules that you have to follow or be willing to be corrected on. This is not just with this group, of course–it’s any group. The official guidline for the group is don’t be a dick (paraphrased), but, of course, that is hard to parse sometimes.
Here’s the thing, though. It’s always better to go in soft rather than hard when you enter a new group. To get the lay of the land before barging in. And, don’t mistake the content creator from the Discord. I know this is much harder for autistic people, but it’s still manageable.
I think if you’re on the spectrum, one thing to remember when you go into a new group is that these people don’t know you. They don’t have the context in which to place your comments. If you want to make a comment (yes, I’m still refusing to call it a joke) that is edgy or dark, you need to be damn sure of your audincee. That’s where many guys (and, yes, I’m specifying guys. Other people do it, too, of course, but guys do it at a much higher clip) fail because they don’t have to think outside themselves on a regular basis. Most minorities have to think about the majority because that’s the world we live in.
Also, if you get called out on your shit, don’t double down. If you disagree with the group’s norms, you can certainly mention it. But it’s the height of arrogance to think you should be able to waltz in and do anything you want. Part of being part of a social group is not making people uncomfortable all the time.***
You have an absolute right to decide if that group is for you. I usually end up leaving groups after a few years because I reach the end of them. I find that the things that draw me to a group are eventually the things that make me leave. I know it’s partly a me-thing, but it’s also how groups work. Some do evolve over time, but most are going to keep the same unspoken rules as they go. And if they are healthy to begin with, that’s not a bad thing.
Again, it’s a me-thing. I readily accept this about myself. I’ve come to accept that I will get one-to-five years with a group before quietly bowing out.
That’s all for now.
*Part of being an alien and having my self-esteem pounded out of me as a kid.
**Fighting really hard not to go off. Seriously. Talking about kids having it easy these days??? I can’t. I just can’t.
***If you want to be part of the group, that is. It’s obviously different if you’re trying to dismantle the group from the inside.