I am a weirdo and I’m fine with it. Hell, I embrass it. My friends are on the fringe as well, though they can interact with normies on a more consistent basis than I can. But in general, I relate best to creative poeople. People who are on the left (waaaaaay left), who want to seize the means of production. Er, I mean, fuck capitalism! I don’t mean that seriously, obviously. I live in America. I am a capitalist by default. I can’t walk five feet without tripping over capitlism. I just went to the grocery store and bought a bunch of capitalsim. So, yeah, when I saw fuck capitalism, it’s mostly symbolic.
I do try to limit my intake and reuse rather than continuously buy, but it’s not easy in such a wasteful country. I do think that unlimited socialism has its problems as well. As does any other system. That’s why I would like a socialist-capitalist system that covers the basics for everyone, but also allows room for innovation and personal growth.
I also like people who look at issues from different angles and go deeper than the surface. It’s not easy to find, though, and I have to remind myself that many people aren’t able to think on several different levels at the same time.
I’ve mentioned before that I read several advice columns at Slate. The advice columnists vary in degrees of helpfulness and insightfulness, but the one tihng I have to remind myself to do is not read the comment section because they are awful. Not everyone, but many of them. They are really terrible at any ‘ist’ issue, making excuses for the offenders. Except sexism. Sometimes, they will catch that and call it out. But racism, homophobia, transphobia, and other isms? Nope. Those don’t exist in America!
Another thing is that so many people in the comments think they are hipster comedians.”Ooooooh I’m being so edgy by making a racist joke.” No. No you’re not. You’re just being a dick. You got to say the racist/homophobic/sexst thing without consequence. There’s a commenter on the site who does this with every letter, and it gets old really fucking fast.
I’ll just point out that Ask A Manager’s commentariat is roughly 97% female. I don’t have a stat for Slate, but there are significantly more men. And, I’m going to bring up my theory of dudes. The more dudes you add to a group, the grosser it gets because of toxic masculinity. (There are issues with all-female groups, too, but that’s a different topic and not the one at hand.)
It’s my way of checking the pulse of Middle America. And I realize that it’s a left-leaning website, which means it’s elitist, anyway (tongue half-in-cheek). Which means that I’m not getting a true slice of American pie (what is up with my metaphors today??), but it’s as much as I can stomach. I’m not going to listen to Tucker Carlson or watch Fox, let alone jump int o rightwing websites and their comments.
So even just limiting myself to my side of the aisle, I’m discouraged and disheartened. There is such a lack of empathy in the comments and a tendency to adhere to the norm. And, again, these are people mostly on my side of the spectrum (I’m assuming).
I go about my daily life thinking I’m weird, but not THAT weird. Then I read the comments at Slate and am reminded that, yes, Minna. You are, indeed, that weird. It’s a lonely feeling, even when I acknowledge that it’s them and not me.
Progressive people whno are progressive in theory but not reality piss me off. I’ve been talking about my parents and how I’ve known since I was young that my father was a narcissistic sexist man (even if I didn’t know the term narcissism until I was a teenager). I wanted nothing to do with him, and he felt the same way about me. He was barely home, but when he was, we had to tiptoe around his terrible temper. He could radiate disdain like no one’s business, and you knew he was displeased with you without him ever saying a word.
It wasn’t until I was in my late twenties/early thirties that I slowly realized my mother was a narcissist in her own way as well. More to the point, as much as she said she loved me–she didn’t. How could she when she didn’t really know me (or want to know me)? She loved her daughter and what she thought that doughter should be. Wait. I’m not even sure that’s true. She loves the idea of her daughter. That’s closer to the truth.
I once told my therapist that I felt a crushing guilt because I was such a disappointment to my mother. I was absolutely nothing she wanted me to be. This was when I was deep in my self-loathing, which, to be frank, was up until the last year of my life. My therapist thought about it and said that my mother was a disappointment to me as well because she was not the mother I wanted/needed her to be.
Side note: My mother did not like my therapist. My mother said that my therapist was driving a wedge between us (me and my mother). First of all, no she wasn’t. The wedge was already there. Secondly, boundaries are a good and healthy thing. My mother tried to spin a tale about it being different in Taiwan, which, true. Family is more porous over there. However, even in Taiwan, people are allowed to exist outside of their family and also, I am American first. I may not be happy about it, but it’s true. Additionally, what she meant was that she was unhappy that I did not do everything she wanted or share my every thought with her. It was offensive to her that I might have a life that did not include her. That had nothing to do about culture and everything to do with her being a narcissist.
She cannot believe that I would choose a life that was not the clone of hers. I was supposed to go to college, have a career, get married, have kids, and go to church on Sunday. Needless to say, I did not do any of that. Nor did I have any desire to do any of that. My mother nagged me for fifteen years to have children and to no one’s surprise (except hers), I dug my heels in and resisted.
By the way, when has anyone ever changed their mind about something by being nagged about it? I may give in (to lesser things), but I’m not going to willingly choose to do the thing. And, when it comes to spawning, I had no desire. None at all. I have no idea why my mom does the things she does when she knows it won’t work.
Wait. It does work for her much of the time. K commented that it seemed like my mother’s M.O. was to cry to get her way. Cry and whine. There is a point where I’ll snap, “Fine. Whatever.” As long as she’ll shut. the. fuck. up. I have sensory issues and my mother talking on and on really bugs me. Not just emotionally, but on a physical level. And, to be brutally honest, I just get impatient when she cries. Like, “Again? You’re doing this again?” It feels manipulative event though I know she’s really feeling pain. But it’s a pain of her own making much of the time or at least a pain that she just complains about but doesn’t actually do anything to ameliorate the situation.
It’s how am with the Republicans and Democrats, honestly. As much as I dislike the Republicans (which is a lot), I get more frustrated with the Democrats because i expect more from them. It’s the same with my mother. I expect more from her, which I’ll never get. I wish I could just accept that.