My brother has been asking me for dating advice and insight to the women he is dating. I find this hilarious because I am awful at dating. I am really good at reading people and knowing why they do things, but I can’t apply it to my own life. I haven’t dated in a decade and don’t really have a desire to do so since *waves broadly at the world around me*.
I fired up the apps when my brother started dating just to see what was out there. I didn’t fele I could give solid advice if I was just talking out of my ass. I mean, I’m wililng to do it beacuse I’m quite good at it, but I prefer having sometthing solid to back me up.
He called me late last night to talk about his dating woes and figure out what went wrong. He has three dates this weekend, one of them a second date. He was saying he wanted to have a big pre-sex talk about sex, which, yeah…..
Look. I am pro-sex. I am pro talking about sex. I agree with him that as a society, we don’t talk about sex openly enough. You have no argument with me there. However, any woman who is in her fifties has probably had many men start out with ‘Let’s talk openly about sex’ as a way to worm his way into the woman’s pants. Or cajole her to do something she may not want to do.
My brother is as honest as the day is long. He cannot lie, execpt maybe by omission–and even then, it’s only little lies. You will know how he feels, even if he doesn’t explicitly say it out loud. His countenance gives him away, and he has no poker face. What’s more, he’s not good with the nuances of emotions, so he can’t always tell when what he’s saynig is going over like a lead balloon.
I tried to explain to him that women get hit on all the time in many different ways. It’s sad because, yes, it would be better for everyone if we could talk openly about sex. Yes, we would all be better off if it weren’t such a taboo subject. But, in the world we live in, women get punished way more than men do for being open about sex.
I don’t think he really understood what I was trynig to say. I didn’t want to bust out Schrodinger’s Rapist on him, but I may have to. The problem is that he only sees things from his point of view. Which we all do, but because he’s a dude, he can’t fathom what women have to go through.
I tried to explain that while it’s good to have an honest sex talk before you have sex with someone, as a female-presenting person, I would be wary of a guy who just started waxing poetic about sex on our second date. Especially if I wasn’t feeling it yet.
I know he’s just eager to be open about it (and to get some), but I want him to be aware of how he may be coming across to the women he’s dating. He was telling me about some of the jokes he was making to his (female) coworkers, and I told him he couldn’t say things that sexual, even if he was joking. Nothing too salubrious, but enough to earn a lifted eyebrow.
He means nothing by it, so it doesn’t occur to him that it could be taken the wrong way. I had to tell him not to make those kinds of jokes with his colleagues because it’s jsut not prudent. When I was in the theater, a friend and I were making sexual innuendoes away from everyone eles. Someone affiliated with the theater came over to us and told us that we should not be talking about such matters because it could make other people uncomfortable.
My initial impulse was to pooh-pooh her and contiune joking with my friend. It was the theater! It was practically mandated to trade sexual innuendoes! She was right, though. It was still aworking environment, and everyone had the right to feel comfortable and not sexually harrassed.
It’s the same with my brother’s work as a realtor. There is not an office, exactly, and they aren’t colleagues in the traditional sense. But still. They have an office building in which they all gather, so it should be kept innuendo-free for those who are uncomfortable.
In addition, he may think his coworker (this is someone working on his actual team) is fine with the jokes, but she may not be. She may also not feel comfortable telling him that she wishes he wouldn’t. I explained to him that he should err on the side of being too safe rather than risking a saucy rejoinder or two.
I don’t think he actually understood what I was trying to tell him, which was frustrating. I didn’t need him to understand, though. I just needed him to rein it in. In some ways, he reminds me of a preteen who just discovered sex. Or me when I realized that Christianity was full of shit when it told me I was going to hell for having sex. I also realized I was bi and I had some lusting to do! I had what I still affectionately call my slut years and all I wanted to do was fuck and talk about fucking. It’s like any other recent convert in which you’re obsessed with the subject.
So, yeah. I get it. He’s ready to wild out and enjoy himself. At the same time, however, I want him to be aware of how he may be presenting himself to the women he’s dating. It’s one thing to talk honestly and in detail with a partner of, say, six months about sex and what you like or don’t like. It’s another thing to bring it up on the second date–to be fair, bringing it up in a ‘can we talk about sex’ sense is fine. But you have to have the sensitivitity to realize if your date is truly into it or not. If they are, great! You can keep on talking until the break of dawn. If they seem uncomfortable at all, though, then you want to pull back and be more cautious.
The trouble is taht i’m not sure my brother knows where that line is. He does not want to make anyone uncomfortable, but he’s also not the most sensitive to what people are thinking and/or feeling. Especially when that person is adept at covering up their emotions.
I’ll keep giving him advice as best Ican. He has said that my insight has been really helpful, so I’m glad about that. Other than that, I just have to trust that he’ll do the best he can and hope that his dates take him in good faith.