My brother and I were talking about our parents. we don’t talk about them that often, but it comes up more often because my father’s dementia is getting worse. He can still recognize us, but we don’t know for how long. He is getting more and more confused about other things, though, such as where we live in relation to him. He doesn’t get that we’re in different countries, and he has commented that we could drive to see each other. Just a reminder, he’s in Taiwan and I’m in Minnesota.
Before the pandemic, I only saw him once a year for a month during summer. By the way, amusing fact. Amusing to me, anyway. Every year, they would plan on coming for six weeks. Every year, around the third week, my father would start grumbling about being here. then, they would go home early. I think he only came because my mother nagged him into coming. He never liked America–he only came for his MA and his PhD. I realized when I was in my twenties that he never wanted to stay here. I think he felt trapped once he had children, and he grew increasingly bitter because he could only move up so much in his career. This was thirty years ago when racism was more overt–even in Minnesota. Maybe especially in Minnesota beacuse it’s so overwhelmingly white.
Anyway, around the fourth week, he would complain so much, my mother would change their plans, and they would fly back to Taiwan early.
Then, the pandemic hit so they were not able to come back for summer of 2020 nd 2021. Then, they rushed here in the autumn of 2021 when I had my medical crisis and stayed for three months. That was a terrible time, but it clarified so many things about my family.
Number one, my mother has, does, and will always put my father first. She told me that my brother and I were number one to her (after God). I said that wasn’t true because she was always putting my father first. I mean, I would argue that she put my father before God, making him her god, but that’s neither here nor there. She answered by saying that my brother and I were first in her heart.
Which doesn’t mean a damn thing! It’s easy to say that, but you have to match your deeds to your words. A trite saying with which I agree is that love is a verb and not a noun .It’s something you do, not something you feel or say. Or rather, obviously, you can feel love for someone, but that does not matter if you don’t express that love and if you don’t show that love.
When my parents were last here (for my medical crisis), my mother admitted that she should not have brought my facther because she knew he would be jealous of any attention she showed to me. Not because of the dementia, but because that’s how he is. He has always hated any attention she’s shown to my brother and me because it took her focus off him. That hasn’t changed in the fifty-five years they’ve been married.
My brother is thinking about going for a few weeks to help out. My mother has already asked me and gotten mad becasue I said I can’t go. I made the mistake of saying I wouldn’t be that helpful because I can’t speak the language. I meant in general, but she rightly pointed out that I would be helpful to her. I know she’s tired and worn out, and I feel empathy for her because of it. But I cannot go. I haven’t even flown in the States yet. My brother mentioned that my mom asked if I would go–to him. He reiterated what I said that I was afraid of dying if I flew.
Not because I of flying, necessarily, but because my immune system is so shitty, I picked up non-COVID-related walking pneumonia when I went to Target. This is another way in which my mother is putting my father first. I’m not as harsh on her for it this time, but I have a legit reason for not going. A big one, I mean. Dying is no joke, and I want my third (and presumably final) time to not be for a preventable reason. In addition, she should respect my no. I’m not surprised she didn’t, though. She rarely does.
See, she has learned that if she constantly nags, people are more likely to give in. I have learned to give in on things that matter less to me (like listening to her problems for half an hour every time we talk) and to hold firm on the things that matter to me (like never, ever, EVER going on vacation with my parents again).
The political situation is dire in Taiwan. I told my brother this was the biggest reason I was concerned about him going to Taiwan. At first, he argued back, saying he could fly out at any signs of trouble. I had to impress on him that it didn’t work that way. War, I mean. He was going on American terms–and probably even Taiwanese terms. But WTF knew what China would do if they wanted to attack Taiwan? They could absolutely shut down the airports and say that people could not fly out. They could say that only Chinese people could fly back to China. My brother dismissively said that he colud just fly to China if that was the case and the fly back to America. I was trying to impress on him that China could absolutely say that only Chinese people could fly back to China. That was my point. They didn’t have to follow any unspoken rules; they set them. I did not want him to get caught in Taiwan with no way of getting back to America. i was sure he did not want that to happen, either.
Other than that, the best thing for my father and my mother would be for them to fly back to Minnesota and live in an assissted home for seniors. There’s a new one that opened recently in St. Paul. One of my Taiji classmates is moving in there with her husband. It’s expensive as fuck, but it’s also exactly what he needs.
Barring that, someone in the house helping my mother would be the other solution. My mother has resisted this because she does not want someone else in the home. I get that. I know how hard it is to have people in your home. They have a small condo in Taiwan, and if my brother goes there, he will be sleeping on the sofa in the living room. If my mother has someone living with them 24/7, that person would have to sleep in the bed and my mother elsewhere.
What I don’t understand is how she keeps deferring to my father. “He doesn’t like the people who I bring in to help me.” Who cares? At this point, I mean. But in general as well. He has nevel liked anything in the history of ever. He complains about everything, so she might as well choose the option that makes likfe easier for her. But I know that she will not change. that’s what I’m trying to impress upon my brother, and I need to take it to heart as well.