My brother and I were talking about our parents. we don’t talk about them that often, but it comes up more often because my father’s dementia is getting worse. He can still recognize us, but we don’t know for how long. He is getting more and more confused about other things, though, such as where we live in relation to him. He doesn’t get that we’re in different countries, and he has commented that we could drive to see each other. Just a reminder, he’s in Taiwan and I’m in Minnesota.
Before the pandemic, I only saw him once a year for a month during summer. By the way, amusing fact. Amusing to me, anyway. Every year, they would plan on coming for six weeks. Every year, around the third week, my father would start grumbling about being here. then, they would go home early. I think he only came because my mother nagged him into coming. He never liked America–he only came for his MA and his PhD. I realized when I was in my twenties that he never wanted to stay here. I think he felt trapped once he had children, and he grew increasingly bitter because he could only move up so much in his career. This was thirty years ago when racism was more overt–even in Minnesota. Maybe especially in Minnesota beacuse it’s so overwhelmingly white.
Anyway, around the fourth week, he would complain so much, my mother would change their plans, and they would fly back to Taiwan early.
Then, the pandemic hit so they were not able to come back for summer of 2020 nd 2021. Then, they rushed here in the autumn of 2021 when I had my medical crisis and stayed for three months. That was a terrible time, but it clarified so many things about my family.
Number one, my mother has, does, and will always put my father first. She told me that my brother and I were number one to her (after God). I said that wasn’t true because she was always putting my father first. I mean, I would argue that she put my father before God, making him her god, but that’s neither here nor there. She answered by saying that my brother and I were first in her heart.
Which doesn’t mean a damn thing! It’s easy to say that, but you have to match your deeds to your words. A trite saying with which I agree is that love is a verb and not a noun .It’s something you do, not something you feel or say. Or rather, obviously, you can feel love for someone, but that does not matter if you don’t express that love and if you don’t show that love.