I’m feeling blue today for a few reasons. One, there are flies in my kitchen that I can’t get rid of. Tiny black ones that I assume are fruit flies. This happens every summer, and it stresses me out. I’m trying to get rid of them, but they just keep coming. Me being a slob does not help, and I need to give the kitchen a good cleaning.
Side note: It doesn’t help that my mother suggested I clean my brother’s house and cook for him to help him out now that he’s single again. I laughed out loud because I don’t even do that for me (I have someone come in every other week to clean, and it’s mostly rice cooker and microwave for me), so why the hell would I do it for my brother?
She never would have suggested that if he weren’t a guy and I weren’t female-shaped. She has such regressive ideas about gender, and it’s not her fucking business, anyway, what I do or don’t do to help my brother. But that’s my mother for you–a psychologist with absolutely zero sense of boundaries.
It really got to me, though it shouldn’t have. I should have told her it was none of her business and to fuck off (in a more polite way), but instead, I told her I was his life coach and his emotional support, which, while true, is none of her business.
That’s the narcissist in her. She cannot believe that everything remotely related to her is not something she deserves to know. My relationship with my brother is none of her business, honestly, and she does not need to involve herself in it. I know it’s more of a Taiwanese culture thing to have a close family, but still. I reject the regressive gender roles, especially of a culture that is not my day-to-day one.
Honestly, this bullshit is one reason why I am questioning my gender. If this is part of being a woman (having to be a helpmeet for any male in the family/close to you), then I want no part of it. I should not be surprised as my parents have not updated their views in half a century, but that’s the optimist in me.
Side note: When I was in my early 20s, I called myself a cynical realist. A friend of mine said I was an optimist, which had me sputtering indignantly. He said, “Minna, you expect people to do the right thing, and then you’re disappointed when they don’t.” I opened my mouth to counter him, then had to shut it again because he was right.
I do expect people to do the right thing and then am disappointed when they don’t, even though I expect them not to do the right thing, really. I have called myself a cynical realist before, which I think is also apt. I know what is the right thing to do oftentimes, expect people to do the wrong thing many times, but then am still disappointed when they do the wrong thing because in the back of my mind, I expect they’ll do the right thing.
With my parents, They won’t change. I know this because they’ve only gotten more regressive as they’ve aged. They have not put in any work to become better people, so why would I expect anything other than the worst out of them? Because I want them to be better, especially my mother. Honestly, I don’t expect anything from my father, but I cling to the idea that there’s a better person inside my mother than what she has shown consistently for the past half-century. That is my mistake and one I keep making.
Of course she was going to say that I should cook and clean for my brother because that’s what she does for my father. My brother is not my father, and I am most certainly not my mother. I should not let it get to me, and, honestly, I don’t know why it did. But it was a kick to the gut, and I’m still not over it.
Veering wildly to another subject, I played more Cult of the Lamb (Massive Monster). Several weeks (in-game) and several hours (playing time) later, and I….just cannot get into it. I feel bad for saying it because it’s been the indie darling, and I love so many things about it. The irreverent humor, the adorable graphics, the snappy dialogue, and the cute followers. But, and this is a big ol’ but, I do not find the dungeoning side engaging with the combat being very basic, plus the 2D rendering of the environment makes it difficult for me to gauge where I am and where the enemies are.
Combat in a roguelike-lite needs to be snappy, and it’s just not in this game. I feel like my attacks aren’t precise, and, as I said, my depth perception in a 2D environment is not good. Plus, the environment phases in and out as I roll around, which does not help. I reached the second world and beat the first boss, but I’m still underwhelmed by the combat. That’s before we even talk about the sim side.
I don’t like Stardew Valley (Eric Barone), I’ll freely admit. I went into it thinking I’d love it, but I didn’t. I have played many casual time management games and adored them. I love the Cook, Serve, Delicious! (David Galindo) games, especially the first one. But for some reason, I don’t like games with a lot of different management things you have to do. The reason is because my brain tells me that I have to do all the things perfectly, which is just not possible. In Cult of the Lamb, I had a follower who was turning apostate. Nothing I did seemed to matter, and she, ‘mulan’, my first and favorite follower, left the flock.
I know that’s part of the game. I know managing the different aspects of the sim is a huge part of the game. But I get so stressed when I can’t fix the problem. Like not having enough faith and not being able to make it so I can have enough faith.
The tutorial is…bare, shall we say. Now, as a FromSoft fan, I’m used to sparse tutorials, but for a game like this, there needs to be a bit more than what I got. I don’t play tactics games, so I’m not used to having to manage a bunch of different resources. I didn’t understand how to balance thing so I feel as if I wasted the first dozen days or so. In addition, you have to make choices with very limited knowledge of what you’ll get for the choices. And most of what you choose needs faith…which, as I said, I struggle to get enough of. Which might be a commentary on my life, come to think of it. I tried. I really did. But I was constantly stressed playing the game, which is not what I want from my games. And I don’t mean ‘this is a hard boss fight’ kind of stress, which is fine.
Side note: I’m much less fine with that kind of stress after my medical trauma, tbh. Games are supposed to be fun and it’s not longer fun for me to fight for hours against a boss. In Elden Ring, I used the Spirit Summons all day long. I summoned any NPC I could, and I did not scruple to summoning humans when I just couldn’t be fucked to fight the boss (looking at a certain duo late in the game and a very lightning-heavy dragon).
I had a great time with Elden Ring. I platted it and I did not give a single solitary fuck about soloing bosses. They’re not meant to be soloed and even if they were, I just wanted to enjoy the game. I soloed some bosses, did most of them with my favorite Spirit Summon, and summoned NPCs/humans when I needed it.
Back to Cult of the Lamb. I gave up on it. I tried so hard to like it and to convince myself that I liked it. I did like it, but not enough to balance out the stress I got playing it. And the combat side was not good enough for me to put up with the stress from the sim side. I fully acknowledge it’s me and not the game, but I doubt I will play any more of it.