In yesterday’s post, I wrote about two letters at Ask A Manager that were about internalized misogyny (more or less). I was midway through dissecting the second, so let’s continue with that.
The LW was saying that she didn’t regret the decision she made not to be close to her coworkers/reports, but then whining about how they shut her out (such as bringing back souvenirs for everyone but her). Which, normally, would be a big no-no, but in this case, it’s probably partly because she was the boss.
She literally used the trope of “I’m not here to make friends”, which is normally a big red flag. Not that people need to be friends at work, but the need to say it speaks negatively about the person. It’s like when people say, “I’m just being honest” before being unbelievably mean. No one says, “I’m going to be brutally honest. You are the fucking best singer I’ve ever heard.” In this case, ‘I’m not here to make friends’ means, “I do not care about you as a person.” Which, fine. I’m an introvert and I rather not do small talk with people. If I had to work in an office, I would find it agony to talk about the weather and kids and whatnot. Mostly because I love cold and not hot, and I don’t have nor want children. But, if I were in an office, I could do the small talk with competency and would not be willing to expend capital to get away with not doing it.
In addition, as Alison pointed out, there is a difference between being friendly and being friends. The letter writer (LW) seems to be confused on that matter. You can be warm with your colleagues without being friends. You don’t have to do happy hour with them or go to their weddings. I found that strange as well. She talked about not being invited to those, but she earlier said she didn’t want to be friends!
Someone in the comments asked how her social circle was outside of work, which I thought was an astute question. The LW said she was lonely despite her strictures not to make friends at work. Did she mean that in general? Or at work? Either way, she could beef up her social circle outside work to help her feel less lonely.
Here’s the thing, though. The part about her saying that she did not get along with the other women (some people questioned why she specifically mentioned women. My guess is that she worked mostly with women) because of different life stages was what really caught my attention.
Again, there wasn’t much there and the commentariat certainly took it to mean that she was disdaining other women. Which, given the other things she said, is probably true. However, I could see it as her being the outsider, too. I’m a weirdo who never fits in anywhere. I know how to make it so that I seemed like I fit in, but that’s all window dressing. Which is fine for superficial office chatter.
However. If you’re in an office that prides itself on being a family (run!) or being tightknit, then you’re not going to get away with that. It doesn’t seem like this LW’s office is like that, but it’s hard to tell from the details she shared. Even if it’s true, though, the way to deal with it is not to become total ice. It’s to give info that seems to be more informative than it actually is. It’s true that people’s perspectives are skewed. Meaning, you don’t have to be a cheerleader rah-rah person for your colleagues in order for them to have a warm feeling for you. If you warmly greet them every day and ask them a few questions about themselves, that should be enough. If it’s not, well, then you have a deeper problem.
But this woman never even tried. She already seemed to have a chip on her shoulder when she walked into this office. She didn’t appear to give anyone o chance–just saying the other women were at different life stages. And, yes, she was the boss, but that didn’t mean she couldn’t be warm to her reports. If anything, it’s even worse because who wants a boss who doesn’t view them as a person?
I really didn’t understand why she wrote in, though. She spent most of her letter defending her position, but then at the end slip in something about being lonely and questioning her stance. That is the interesting part to me. She is clearly conflicted, and while I found her to be unpleasant in general, I felt a germ of compassion near the end.
This is purely hypothetical, but my guess is that she has given up a lot to be considered one of the guys. She’s bought into the idea that feminine is inferior, therefore, she must not show a trace of ‘weakness’. This does not jibe with her being pregnant when she got this job, though.
Unless.
Pregnant women are discriminated against quite often. It could be that she was trying to minimize being pregnant (and a woman) so she would be taken seriously. This is one of the traps that women fall into–because there is no way to win it. Frustratingly, women who are too stereotypically feminine are pinged for being too frivolous and not serious. Women who are more masculine are dinged for not being feminine enough. There is no ‘just right’.
It’s similar to women in dating. If she’s flirtatious and outgoing, then she’s vapid. If she is more serious and stoic, she’s a bitch. If she puts out, she’s easy. If she doesn’t, she’s frigid. Once you realize there’s no way to win, you can refuse to play the game.
I’m very much on the masculine side in many ways. I have huge tits and a curvy figure, plus thigh-length hair. Those are my most feminine features. Other than that, though, I have eschewed most stereotypically-feminine things. Some in part because of what they represent–like the color pink, but most of it is either practical reasons (I hate the way makeup feels and am shit at putting it on) er I’m just not interested (fashion). I can do basic sewing, but I don’t really like to work with my hands–except Taiji weapons! I love those. It’s also a sensory issue, though. I can’t stand the feel of most fabrics.
In the end, I just don’t care. I’m old and tired. I am comfortable with who I am (although not my gender label), and I don’t really care to argue about it any longer. Gender really doesn’t matter to me, though I feel much more solidarity with women and genderqueer people. That’s as much thought as I want to put into it these days.