Back to gender once again! Yesterday, I was complaining about Whataboutalism and how baked into our society it is. Oh, but maybe it’s not sexism. But maybe it is??? Today, I’m going for a different angle. The angle I call–what is gender anyway? It’s a personal angle, though there are other people who feel the same way. I want to say, as I always do, that this is just for me, personally. It’s not a statement about gender in general. I understand that most people feel their gender to varying degrees and that is important to most people. With that out of the way, I’m going to get into it.
I do wish I felt a gender. I wish I could say with confidence that, yes, I am a woman. I can’t, though, and I never have been able to. My next wish would be to be fine with not feeling strongly about a gender.
Let me rephrase. I know I’m not a dude. Wishing to be one because of discrimination is not the same as feeling that gender. I know I’m not a guy, but, man, life would have been easier to be a white cis het dude. With money. Yes, just in general. It would negate the negatives I deal with while keeping the positive I already have (money).
But that’s not going to happen, so let’s just toss that out. I’m not a guy. I don’t feel like a guy. Moving onto nonbinary. In theory, this is where I should feel comfortable. Nonbinary, genderfluid, genderqueer. I like confusing people about my energy. Masculine? Feminine? Androgynous? I’m hard to put in a box, which is exactly how I like it.
Twenty years ago, I would have been thrilled to be called androgynous. But I did not look androgynous, genderqueer, or genderfluid. To the untrained eye, I look like a woman. I have huge boobs, curvy hips, finally got junk in the trunk, and my hair is down to mid-thigh.If you only hear my voice, well, you’d mistake me for a guy. But if you saw me, you would assume I was a woman.
Which is tolerable, but not ideal. I’ve read several people who have said that they are fine with other people calling them the pronouns of their at birth gender, but they did not want to claim them for themselves. This is how I feel. I have said this myself. I don’t mind (much) when others call me ‘she’. I don’t mind (much) if someone calls me ‘they’. But I don’t feel connected to either. I don’t like the neopronouns for me. I just…am Minna. My brother of all people said, “You just want to be called Minna.”
I’ve made it clear that I realize not using gender pronouns is awkward. I don’t expect people to be perfect, and, yes, using a name repeatedly sounds weird. Because we don’t do it. But, yeah, I want to be rid of pronouns.
Gender doesn’t click with me in any meaningful way. I’ve said before that I relate to women’s experiences because that’s how people treat me. At least outwardly. But then there’s the pursed lips and furrowed brows when i don’t act the way I’m expected to. It doesn’t help that there are also deeply sexist beliefs as to what an Asian woman should be.
By the way, I honestly don’t understand why that particular stereotype has persisted. That Asian women are subimssive, I mean. It was tired back in the seventies, and it’s twice as tired now. Since my twenties, I have said loudly that Asian women were some of the most forthright women that I knew–Asian American women, at least. I’ve also said that when two Asian American women meet, they either love or hate each other on sight. I’ve had Asian women back me up on this.
I think I would not mind being categoorized as a woman so much if it didn’t feel so restrictive. On the other hand, it’s not as if suddenly calling myself agender means that others will see me in that fashion. If I were to name top ten things about myself that I thought were important for you to know, gender would not be in the top ten.
Just quickly, the top ten things you should know about me is that I love my cat, Shadow; I am loyal to my friends and certain members of the family; I love Taiji, especially the weapons (and now Bagua); I write copiously; I am a big From fan; I have a zillion sensitivities/allergies/sensory issues; oh, yeah, I died twice; I like to read and think; I am contrary on almost everything; I can’t eat most foods. That’s me in a nutshell. I would add that I am emathetic, witty, and sarcastic. I have a more pousitive outlook since I came back from death, but I’m still cynical, too. I have much more self-confidence and much less depression and anxiety. I have no body issues any longer, and I think I’m all that and a bag of chips.
I love my body. I am so into my body. It’s amazing given how much I’ve hated it all my life. No body dysphoria (and no body dysmorphia). I’ve had the latter nearly all my life, but I’ve never had the former. I like my curves, my soft flesh and my hard muscles. Soft boobs and hard ass! It’s all good.
The reason I chose agender is because it’s the closest to what I feel at the moment. gender is not important to me. Just as my sexuality is not…no wait. My sexuality is important to me, but slapping a label on it isn’t. I chose bisexual as a default, which is how I am with labels in general. Gender isn’t important to me in this matter, either. I don’t care what genetalia someone has or what gender they are. I am physically attracted to whom I am physically attracted to. I am emotionally attracted to the people to whom I am emotionally attracted. these two don’t necessarily align. I use bi because I don’t like pansexual or omnisexual. I no longer care for it, but, again, there’s nothing that I really like in replacement. I useally go by ‘bi’ because it’s short and pithy. I’ll keep an eye out for something else, but it’ll do for now.
That’s pretty much my mentality about labels in general–it’ll do for now. It’s the best I have.