Roughly three years ago, I started having what I thought were menopausal symptoms. Before I get into that, let’s talk about periods. People understand them very little in general, and what is seen is that women get them every month for a few days. The symptoms include cramps. That’s about it. This was what I was taught in sex ed forty years ago, and I dearly hope it’s changed since.
What has been my actual experience with my period? It started when I was nine. I was wearing white jeans and, yes, the result was horrible. I could not wear tampons comfortably, no matter how ‘ultra-slim’ they god. It hurt. It was uncomfortable. I was always aware i was wearing one. So I quit. I started using pads and what a relief. I never went back. Yes, at first it felt like I was wearing some kind of weird diaper beacuse they were so thick and bulky. But over time, they got thinner and thinner, and now, they are barely noticeable.
In addition, I have never had a problem with my period. I almost feel bad about admitting this because so many people with periods have such a rough time with PMS. But, here’s my reality. I got my period every third or four months for three days. It was light on the first day, medium to heavy-ish (never truly heavy) on the second day, and almost nonexistent on the third. I had to carry pads with me almost all the time because I never knew when I was going to get my period. My only sign was a coppery taste in my mouth and my boobs were tender.
That’s it. If my period had been on a regular timetable, I would have no issues with it at all. Oh, and when I was having sex, it was much more regular, but still never once a month. It was more like once everythirty-five to forty days.
When I was getting my period three times a year for three days at a time, I asked my doctor if I should be concerned about it. I mean, I had had it hammered into my mind that I was supposed to get it once a month. I was supposed to get cramps, terrible mood swings, and want to eat my weight in ice cream. None of that was true. I barely even noticed I had it.
Then, a few years before I ended up in the hospital, I started getting it every month but extremely light for like two days. Then it went away completely and just when I thought it might actually be menopause, my period would show up again. I figured I was in peri-menopause and shrugged my shoulders.
Then, about six months ago, I started to get my period every few months. Very light for the most part, but one day, it was heavy (for me). And just when I thought it would never come back, it did.
This went on for years. YEARS. Every time I thought my period was over, well, it wasn’t. About a month ago, I got my period with a vegeance after not having it for several months. I got a gush of blood like I’d never gotten before. Ever! Like, more than a whole year of periods put together! It was so. much. blood. I messaged K to ask if this had happened to her when she went through menopause. She said she had, and we commiserated.
We talked more about menopause, and, wow. If that’s what I’m going through now (and I think it is), then it really, really, REALLY fucking sucks. As I said, I had no problems with my period. I was incredibly lucky that it was not a thing in my life. Ever. No PMS. No cramps, no mood swings, none of that. I had friends who could not get out of bed during their periods, so I knew how lucky I was.
Now, however, I believe I am firmly in menopause. A few days ago, I was hit with a sudden fatigure, body aches, and chills alternating with sweats. I don’t get any of that on the regular. I mean, I get tired, but not like this. I took a Covid test, which was negative. I have another one and I’ll take it an a day or two, but I don’t have the other symptoms of Covid.
Here’s the complicating factor, though. I don’t get fevers. Ever. I have said that my basal temp is 97.5, and I don’t think I’ve gone over 100 in my life. And I can’t remember the last time I was over 98 let alone anything that is actually a fever. Therefore, the chances that I have Covid or the flu are….not as good? I’m not actually sure because there doesn’t seem to be anything definite on this.
If it’s menopaause, though, then I’m mad. Why? Because I had never heard anything about it. I mean, let’s face it. We don’t talk honestly about any female shit in this society.
I did not know what menopause was. I mean, I knew that it meant the period was stopping, obviously. I know the mechanics of it. But I did not know what it exactly entailed. No one ever mentioned it! My mother went through menopause when she was 55, and she said that it was easy.
You have to know this about my mother–she was a very unreliable narrator, and she downplayed anything negative. I realized when I was in my thirties that she kept those rose-colored glasses firmly on her face. She was so deep in denial about so many things, I just gave up. Or I tried. There was no way for me to penetrate her denial, but I couldn’t stop trying. It’s in me. I want to explain how she could be so much better. I’ve wanted to do that all mi life. It’s a part of me, and it’s because she made me that way. Unfortunately.
I wish I had known about menopause before I had it. I would have still had to go through it, yes, but at least I could have braced myself. I liked being forearmed and forewarned so I can prep myself for it. Now, I just have to froge ahead without being prepared. That’s not my style at all.