Underneath my yellow skin

Tag Archives: sick

Menowhat? Menopause!

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Roughly three years ago, I started having what I thought were menopausal symptoms. Before I get into that, let’s talk about periods. People understand them very little in general, and what is seen is that women get them every month for a few days. The symptoms include cramps. That’s about it. This was what I was taught in sex ed forty years ago, and I dearly hope it’s changed since.

What has been my actual experience with my period? It started when I was nine. I was wearing white jeans and, yes, the result was horrible. I could not wear tampons comfortably, no matter how ‘ultra-slim’ they god. It hurt. It was uncomfortable. I was always aware i was wearing one. So I quit. I started using pads and what a relief. I never went back. Yes, at first it felt like I was wearing some kind of weird diaper beacuse they were so thick and bulky. But over time, they got thinner and thinner, and now, they are barely noticeable.

In addition, I have never had a problem with my period. I almost feel bad about admitting this because so many people with periods have such a rough time with PMS. But, here’s my reality. I got my period every third or four months for three days. It was light on the first day, medium to heavy-ish (never truly heavy) on the second day, and almost nonexistent on the third. I had to carry pads with me almost all the time because I never knew when I was going to get my period. My only sign was a coppery taste in my mouth and my boobs were tender.

That’s it. If my period had been on a regular timetable, I would have no issues with it at all. Oh, and when I was having sex, it was much more regular, but still never once a month. It was more like once everythirty-five to forty days.

When I was getting my period three times a year for three days at a time, I asked my doctor if I should be concerned about it. I mean, I had had it hammered into my mind that I was supposed to get it once a month. I was supposed to get cramps, terrible mood swings, and want to eat my weight in ice cream. None of that was true. I barely even noticed I had it.

Then, a few years before I ended up in the hospital, I started getting it every month but extremely light for like two days. Then it went away completely and just when I thought it might actually be menopause, my period would show up again. I figured I was in peri-menopause and shrugged my shoulders.

Then, about six months ago, I started to get my period every few months. Very light for the most part, but one day, it was heavy (for me). And just when I thought it would never come back, it did.


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Day 7 of will it ever end?

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Here we are. One week after I got my booster. I still feel like shit. Here is what I wrote yesterday. I was hoping that today I would feel better. And I do. Marginally. But not nearly enough. I have said this about flu shots before. Why should I get the shot when it’s this bad? I know what the actual answer is. It’s insurance in case I actually get the thing I’m innoculating myself against.

Here’s the thing, though. I don’t go out much at all now. The chance of me getting Covid is slim to very slim. It’s not none because I do go to Cubs and my brother comes over now and again. So, yes, I could get Covid. Theoretically. And, yes, it’s better to be innoculated if that’s the case. Theoretically.

It’s basically gambling and throwing the dice. Do I want to take a chance at getting the COVID. At this point, honestly? Yeah, I do. I understand why the vax is necessary and a good thing. But I am not ok with the fact that my reaction to these kinds of shots is so terrible.

Sweat and chills, check. Still getting both, alternating. I would be less annoyed if it were one or the other. I’m at the end of my rope. Don,t feel like writing so I’m going to end this now.

Watching over Shadow

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I crashed hard last night because I’ve been so worried about Shadow. Even with the clean bill of health, he was still sick. Yes, it wasn’t any of the big three things I feared, but he’s still not at his best. Yesterday. I made the mistake of giving him his antibiotics (last night) before feeding him dinner. In addition, I messed up and dribbled it down his neck the first time, didn’t get the liquids in the syringe the second time, and finally got it in him the third.

He was not happy about it and stalked away. He did begrudgingly accept several Temptations (truly the manna of cats) afterwards, but nothing else. Before this, he had been snoozing on my legs, but he went elsewhere afterwards.

Later, he would let me pet him and leaned into it. He wasn’t interested in food, though, which made me anxious. He has lost four pounds in ten years. Maybe I’ve been underfeeding him. He does have a bowl of dry from which he cat eat at any time. That was one reason the vet thought it might be hyperthyroidism or diabetes. Maybe it’s just he’s getting old.

This morning, I decided to feed him the first thing. Normally, I would do Taiji first and then feed him so he wouldn’t meow at me as soon as I was awake. I just want him to eat, though, so I went to feed him. He eagerly trotted after me and meowed. That revived my spirits as I dished out 2/3rds a small can of wet food (twice as much as I normally feed him in the morning) and poured a healthy amount of hot water around it. It’s his favorite way of eating wet food. I mushed the wet food so it would be easier to digest. Actually, I started with roughly half a can and he scarfed that down. I added more wet food and more water. He kept eating. I put more wet food and warm water (the rest of the can), and he finished up the water, but left most of the food behind. In general, he was more about the water than the food, but he did eat some chunks of wet food. And all of this was without me having to dot the plate with Temptations.

Then, I waited half an hour before giving him the antibiotics. This time, I scruffed him and got it in his mouth in one go. He wasn’t happy about it and did not want treats afterwards, but he did allow me to stroke his head an hour later. So he’s not mad at me; he just didn’t like it. Which, I can’t really blame him. I wouldn’t want some giant grabbing me and squirting liquid meds in my mouth, either. Especially when I wasn’t feeling well to begin with and I didn’t know why.

He seems a bit lethargic, but it’s hard to tell because he’s a pretty chill cat in general. Cats sleep up to fifteen hours a day, anyway, and he’s a champion sleeper. Right now, he’s in the computer room and sleeping on the papasan. That’s one of his normal places to sleep, so it’s hard to say if he’s feeling normal or not. He lifted his head as I went to stroke his head, which was his way of saying he wanted me to stroke him under his chin. He had that dreamy look in his eyes that he gets when he’s really feeling the pets.


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Not ready to let go

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A decade ago, Shadow was really sick. He was yowling as he was peeing and he refused to eat. I asked his foster mom what I should do, and she said to take him to the vet ASAP. I took him late that afternoon (first appointment I could get), my heart in my throat.

Today, I woke up to Shadow yowling in a similar way. As any cat companion will tell you, you know the different meows of your cat. There is the ‘I’m hungry’ meow. The ‘I’m bored’ meow. The ‘pet me now’ meow. Then there’s the ‘I’m in distress!’ meow. The last is the one you never want to hear as it’ll break your heart.

He was straining to poop, and it was clear he was constipated. He would strain and nothing would come out or just *warning, graphic* drippy diarrhea. There was one medium-ish nugget of diarrhea, but no actual poop.

I tried giving him Temptations. Nothing. Wet food with hot water (his favorite way to eat it). Nothing. I will fully confess that I have not taken him to the vet since (I know, I know), and I found out that the place I used to take him to had no record of him and was not taking new clients at this time. I know vets have been slammed, so I understood. But I didn’t like it. Obviously.

Animals can’t tell you when something is wrong. Cats are especially good at hiding their pain, much to their detriment. He was fine yesterday. He ate normally and peed normally as well (checked the litterbox this morning). But he’s vomiting clear liquid and has done it several times. In addition to his drippy butt, and it’s clear that I needed to take him in.

I found another vet with stellar reviews and 2 minutes from my home. I talked with the receptionist and set up an appointment for 1 p.m. This was at 9 a.m. or so, and 1 p.m. was the soonest appointment they had. As I was making the appointment, Shadow wandered by and howled.


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I’m (un)comfortably numb

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As the news about the coronavirus variants continues to pop up on a daily basis, I find myself becoming increasingly numb to it. I know why this is; it’s because my brain is shorting out and can’t take it. I’m so angry at the assholes who refuse to get vaccinated out of defiance (not those who can’t or POC who have reasons to be wary). We had a chance to get this thing on lock, but, no. We couldn’t be arsed to do that and I’m furious.

The fury is buried under layers of numbness, however, because I simply cannot. It’s the cumulation of the last four years and it’s my self-defense mechanism. I’m not proud of it, but I’m also not proud of how Americans are acting right now. It’s American individualism run amok and it’s a disgrace. I’m also pissed at the Republican leadership for fomenting the dissent strictly as a political move. A week ago, 50% of the Republican members of the House of Congress refused to say whether they were vaxxed or not. While shouting about how it was personal choice and no one got to tread on their freedom.

Riddle me this. If they truly believe that the vaccination is from the devil and to be refused at all costs, why won’t they say they’re not vaxxed? It’s simple: they’re vaxxed. They just want to keep their base riled up as a way to get at the Democrats. I don’t doubt there are some who are not vaxxed, but I’m pretty sure they’re fine with saying so. One of my Twitter people tweeted about a kid (well, late teens) posting on his Facebook that he was getting the vaccination, but don’t worry, he was still a Republican. This was in an article about the faces of the anti-vaxxers. I tweeted to her, “Tell me that the Republicans are terrible without saying the Republicans are terrible” because the vaccination should not be political.

Side Note: The CDC has not handled the messaging well at all. I understand when you make a message to the public, you want to be as definitive as possible. I once had a doctor (the best doctor) who, when I told her I smoked two or three cigarettes a day, she said it wasn’t that big a deal. I asked why the message around smoking, then, was that it was the very worst and if you inhaled one lungful of smoke, you were doomed to die before the age of thirty? She said because if doctors said one or two cigs a day was ok, the nuance would get lost and most people would take it to mean they could smoke a pack a day.

I saw her point, but there had to be people like me who would prefer the unvarnished truth. It was the same during the pandemic. At the beginning, the message was that masks were unnecessary for the hoi polloi. Supposedly, that was because they didn’t have enough masks for the health care providers. I call bullshit, but even if that was true, it was the worst way to get the message across.


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What a drag (on my health)

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whiling away the hours.
My new home.

I’m afraid this is my new normal, being roughly 60%. Every time I get past that point, something happens that sets me back. For example, last night, and TMI for possibly grossness, I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich because I’m twelve–side note: why are PB&Js considered children’s food?–and a minute later, I had to run to the bathroom. Exploding diarrhea all over the place (hyperbole! I made it to the toilet), and I stayed there for at least ten minutes. A half hour later, I was back again. I went to sleep a bit later, then was jolted awake in the middle of the night (not sure when) because my body was urgently telling me I needed to go. Again. I was more than half-asleep, and I almost fell down on my way to the toilet. I almost fell asleep on the toilet. I almost fell asleep on my way back to the couch. It was a surreal experience. I was basically pooping in my sleep, and I was just happy I made it to the bathroom first.

What was it that did it? My instinct is the peanut butter, but it could be the jelly. In fact, it’s more likely the jelly. I’ve had the peanut butter before, and I’m not sure I’ve had this brand of (blackberry) jelly before. It’s not the bread. I eat that all the time, and it’s not a new loaf. So, I’m going to do a controlled test today. I’m going to eat the jelly on its own, an then I’m going to try the peanut butter. Of course, the fact that I think it’s the peanut butter might unconsciously bias me.

I woke up grumpy and exhausted today. My energy is extremely low, and I just feel so blah. I’ve been trying to write this post for over an hour, and every word is begrudging. It’s not like me at all. I’m verbose to an extreme, and I can usually toss off a two-thousand word post in an hour or so. I currently have 350 words, and I am already running out of steam.

On a related note: I’m struggling with the second book of my current trilogy. The first one is finished. It’s rough as hell, but I really like the energy of it. The second one never really came to life to me, and I’m 92,000 words in. I’m thinking of scrapping it and starting over. I’ve had writer friends incredulous that I would actually throw away whole novels, it’s not an anathema to me. I wouldn’t literally throw it away or delete it; I would simply start another story. I might take some nuggets from the first story, but I would go in a different direction.

Side note to the related note: When I write a novel, I have an outline in my head. I write mysteries, and going into it, I know the perp, the victim, and the motive. I don’t always know how I get from Point A to Point B, but I know in broad strokes what my chain of events will be. I’ve had times when the motive has changed or shifted as I’ve written, but for the most part, the motive I go in with is the same one that remains at the end–more or less.

In this case, I started the first novel with a firm idea of all of the above. I even know mostly how I was going to get from Point A to Point B. About halfway through the novel, an idea came to me that I couldn’t ignore. It led to the main thesis of the second novel, and it recast everything in the first novel in a different light. Of course, I had to keep in mind that the first novel had to be able to read on its own. I finished the first novel with the second one in mind, and I was excited when I started the second.

Goddamn it. I just can’t today. I’m so tired and bone-weary. And my innards are still grumbling. That’s all for today.

It’s All in My (Stuffy) Head

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I’ve woken up on the wrong side of the couch for the past several days. You know how some days everything gets on your last goddamn nerve? The cat is a bit too insistent in his mewing (stop pressing your cold wet nose on my bare flesh, Shadow!); the coffee is a tad too bitter, no matter how much sugar I add; I don’t want to do my morning regime; the sun is too damn bright, etc. I’m grumpy, and I know it’s irrational. My patience, which is already short, is even shorter, and I’ve snapped at the people around me though they’ve done nothing wrong. I usually have a sarcastic voice running through my brain, but I’m careful not to give voice to it to often. In the past few days, I’ve been less able to keep it under wraps, and I’m trying to bite my tongue rather than go off on people who don’t deserve it.

I went off on a rant in taiji yesterday about not having children. Now, I’m pretty clear in general that I’ve never wanted children. I’m comfortable with saying I’m gleeully childfree. But, for whatever reason, as we were talking about having kids (me, my teacher who also never wanted children, and one other classmate, an older Indian woman who does not have bio-children of her own), I was getting riled up and said the idea of having children repulsed me. I immediately felt bad about it because I don’t know if my classmate is childfree by choice or not, and I clarified that it was just repulsive to me, not that I thought it was repulsive in general. It’s true that I am repulsed by the idea of having children, but it’s not something I normally would say or needed to say.

I got really mad at someone driving slowly in the left lane and screamed some really nasty things at them (not directly as I was behind them, but yeah, not cool). It’s one of my pet peeves, but normally, I just sigh loudly and deal with it.  At Cubs, I was miffed by the person who parked their cart in the exact middle of the aisle, and at the co-op, by the person who was blocking the (walking) lane with his person and didn’t move an inch as I approached. Again, these are pet peeves of mine, but I normally just shrug and move on with my day. I didn’t say anything to either of these people, but the snark in my head was real, yo.

Not by coincidence, I’ve also woken up with my ears being messed up these last few days. I tend to have ear problems in that they get crusty, then I pick at the crustiness, and then they scab over. I pick at the scabs, which of course makes it worse. I also have a stuffy nose, which I initially thought it was allergies, but now I think may be a precursor to sinus troubles. In addition, whenever I shift my head too suddenly, I’ve gotten really dizzy. I asked my taiji teacher about it, and she said it could be sinus issues. I’ve had issues with dizziness all my life, but it’s usually just a little bit and only very rarely. Having it three days in a row and pretty violently is unusual and disconcerting.


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Update

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I’m slowly and painfully getting better, but it’s like climbing Mount Everest. I still feel as if my face is getting chewed off, and I’m bone tired. Sorry there is no POOG post today. Here is a video of Maru sleeping on his back on the couch. He kinda looks like me.

If you’re going out drinking because it’s St. Patrick’s Day, be safe and smart about it!