Subtitle: But why they are necessary
Yes, I want that all in one tittle, but I’m not a monster. If I want three titles in one, that’s my business!
I’ve talked about labels often before, but I feel it’s important to bring it up again. Why? Because I really wish there was a way to get rid of them, and not in a “No Labels” kind of way. I know they are important in order to talk with each other because you simply cannot talk about each individual situation without a common knowledge bond between you and the person you’re talking to. In fact, that’s the basis for many miscommunications–cultureal differences. A basic example is Ask v. Guess culture. I live in a Guess culture with another Guess culture as my heritage.
Guess culture is where you never say anything directly to each other. There’s an elaborate dance you have to do in order to get your point across. You have to be alert to nuance and know the language before you go into any encounter. I have an example that I always give.
Many moons ago, I had a Taiji classmate who was from the South. She was also a pastor’s wife. One day in class, she was complaining because she had planned some kind of dinner or party (probably at church), and several people said they would go. Only one person showed up, and she was so miffed.
I listened to her for a few minutes and then asked what the parishioners acutally said when she invited them to the party/dinner event. I asked how many of them literally said they would come. She said one. The rest said things like, “I need to check my calendar”; “I need to ask my husband”; “It sounds like fun; I’ll get back to you”, etc. In Midwest speak, all of those are soft noes. I told her that if they didn’t unequivocally say yes, it was a no.
I get how that can beconfusing if you’re not from the culture. But, if you are part of the culture, then it’s clear as day. While I’m from that culture, I tend to be more direct in some ways. But, I can play the game when need be.
In Ask culture, the motto is, “Just ask. The worst they can say is no.” It’s clear and direct, and it can be refreshing when everyone is on the same page. There is no guessing or trying to read the room, looking for nuance in every exchange. You know where you stand. And, again, as long as everyone is on the same page, there is a lower chance for misunderstanding.
I’m sure you noticed how much I qualified the latter because everyone invoved has to really be on the same page for it to work. I said that I’m more Ask than Guess, but I think it really depends on the situation. With friends, I’m pretty straightforward because I trust them to not take me the wrong way. But with people I don’t know, I am much more cautious.
Ok. That went for much longer than I wanted, but whatever.
I’m just tired. Every time gender comes up, I internally roll my eyes because I am so done with it. SO DONE. I really resent that I have to think or talk about it at all because I don’t care about my gender! Or more specifically, I don’t care about gender as it relates to me (no, it’s just not a semantic difference), so I wish I didn’t have to think or talk about it. But I do because in this dystopian world I live in (America), the hateful assholes in charge are trying to get rid of me and my kin.
The hateful president is trying to make it illegal to be anything other than your birth sex. At least the last time I checked in that was his agenda when it came to gender. Well, one of them. He has several regressive ideas about gender, but I try not to get bogged down in them all. I know he or other rightwing assholes are trying to repeal the equal marriage amendment (deeeeeep sigh), and I’m just fucking done.
I have never understood the fixation on gender (thus, my current label of agender, I suppose). Even when I called myself a woman, I really didn’t know what that meant. I don’t like anything considered stereotypically female, and my mother told me over and over that I was womanning wrong (not liking dresses; not liking cooking and sewing; not wearing makeup; not wanting to get married and have children; and that was only the tip of the iceberg.
Once, when I told her that I did not want children, she said it didn’t matter. It was my duty as a woman to get married and have children. She nagged me for fifteen years to have children. The only time I every had even a half a second thought of maybe I should have a kid was to shut her the fuck up. Which was a terrible reason to have a child.
All of that scarred and damaged me. On the other hand, there were people saying that being a woman was whatever you wanted it to mean. And yet, they didn’t act that way, really. Even people who were more open about gender still held some rigid ideas about it. My unvarnished opinion is that gender just doesn’t matter to me. In a perfect world, if there were gender stereotypes and deeply endemic sexism, then I would probably be OK with being called a woman.
But because we live in this fucked up sexist world, I can’t recognize anything about what we call a woman. even as a small child, I was not into anything girly. I loved to run around and climb trees. My mom would tell me to sit down, keep my legs crossed, and to be quiet. I felt that everything about me was wrong, and there was nothing I could do to make it right. This was when I was a kid. I couldn’t try to be normal because I had no idea what that meant.
By the time I was in my thirties, though, I knew how I was supposed to act as a so-called woman; I just had no interest in doing so. Again, I wasn’t trying to be conttrarian; I really wasn’t. I just am not nor have I ever been in stereotypically feminine things. My interests code male, and I don’t feel any gender in particular.
That’s why I reluctantly chose ‘agender’ as my gender. Why? Because I’m so goddamn tired. I just don’t feel any connection to any gender, though I feel the closest alliance to women because of the shared experiences. That’s all for today. I’ll probably write more tomorrow.