Underneath my yellow skin

Tag Archives: no labels

Last post about labels; no, really, part five

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I have one last (ha) post about labels in me. The ha is beacuse I have way more than that in me, but that’s what I’m going to limit myself to fro now*. I’m so tired of talking about labels, but I feel I have to as long as they have such an outsized effect on on society and what happens to marginalized people.

Side note: I’m playing a demo, a walking sim/graphic novel/something along that line, and it asked me for my gender. I sighed in hopelessness because  I have never–wait, what? I can put in my own pronouns? And I can just put in my name (my character name–mulan rogue. I always use that name as my character name), mulan when need be? The only one that tripped me up was possessive because it’s not an easy one to get around. I mean possessive as in “Dana said the house was _____ (hers, yours, his, theirs). I just put a period. Or maybe I just put ‘mulan’ again. Plus Mx. for a honorific. I considered not putting any (which I assume you could also do), but I like Mx. as a honorific. I mean like as in I would actually choose it, and not reluctantly.

Of course, it’s not used very much and most people don’t seem to like it. Story of my life, really. Me choosing the thing that people don’t like. Or being a part of a group that is most overlooked. I wish I was doing it on purpsoe because then it wouldn’t frustrate me as much–or at all. Instead, I just sigh quietly to myself–or not so quietly because I live alone–and just go about my day.

I have tried all my life to find labels that I didn’t hate with all my heart. I mean, at first I wanted to find labels that actually described me, but I tamped down my expectations after struggling for so many years. I just gave up on even trying after a while. It was less frustration, that way, believe me. Except bisexual/bi. That one still annoys me enough that I revisit it now and again.

I keep thinking I can find a better term, but I can’t. I would love to just leave it at ‘queer’, but as I have said, that’s been taken to mean gay. Yes, I could explain every time I used it that I hdidn’t mean gay, but that’s not something I want to do. I really dislike pansexual (common) and omnisexual (not common). I can’t think of anything else, sadly, so I reluctantly keep bi. I use it to mean those like me and those not like me. I have said that I would just like to use ‘sexual’, but we all know that would not work out well. At all.


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Yet more about labels, part four

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Yes, I’m back to talk more about labels. It’s still bothering me, and I need to write about it until I get it out of get it out of my system. It may take some time because I’m mad and gonna stay mad. I mean, I’m going to be mad for a long time because we have nearly three more years of this bullshit, and we’ll be dealing with it probably until I permanently die. It’s not going to be easy to cleanup the mess, if we can do it at all. Yes, I’m afraid this president might bring the fall of this country. Honestly, that might be preferably to what remains afterwards. Here is my post from yessterday since this is a continuation of that. Somewhat.

Every time I check the nnews, there is just more atrocities that this president is committing. Him and his whole team. I can’t even celebrate what feels like it should be a win (Noem getting canned) because I know it just means someone worse in coming in.

I also can’t trust anything this president or his team says. Like the fact that they are using ICE officers in the airport. Theyi’re not there to deport anyone, they claim, but just to help TSA. Everyone say it with me, “Riiiiiiiiiiiight.”

Look. I am not naive. It’s not like I completely trust any president–not even Obama, who I consider to be the best president in my lifetime. I know they are politicians who will say or do whatever they can to hold onto their power. Even if I believed that they believed what they were saying and doing, you had to have more than a healthy ego to be president. You just do. In order to think you were whatever enough to lead one of the most powerful countries in the world, you had to be very confident, to say the least.

Back to labels. I am at the point where I think I’m ready to give them all up. I mean, I have been for decades, but it’s more in protest this time.

This is where I get caught up, though. Because I know how important it is to fight for rights as a minority. I know that deemphasizing labels if not done in a thoughtful way only hurt those who were already marginalized. I know that we have to speak up for all our kinfolk, even if they are not our skinfolk.

I know all this, and yet, I just want to say, “Fuck it.” I am tired of fighting the same goddamn fight I’ve been fighting since I was in my twenties. Yes, we made progress, but then we have slid so far back again. A part of me is like, “Why the fuck does it even matter?” But then I remember how Minneapolitans stood up to the federal government–and won.


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Put a label on this, part three

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I’m down for one more post about labels and why, while I hate them, they are necessary. I guess. The “I guess” is for the last part, because I’m not sure they are necessary. Or rather, I know we have to have them in general, but do we need to use them to the extent we do? I’m honestly not  sure. That’s what I want to explore in this post. I’m frustrated with, well, everything right now. The state of the world is shitty. I mean, that’s a given at any time, really, but there are times that are worse than others. This is most definitely one of those times. Here is my post from yesterday in which I mostly talk about how I don’t fit in with society. How that’s related to labels you’ll just have to wait and see.

I check the news one or two times a day, and it’s always grim. At least in the States. Every bit of news is more depressing than the last, especially for certain demos to which I belong. It’s just bleak and bleaker with no hope of relief. Sure, there are brief rays of light like when Noem got canned, but the person who’s going to replace her isn’t any better. Maybe less of an an attention-seeker, but that’s not necessarily better.

It’s hard. I don’t necessarily want competent people in these positions because then they can do more damage, but the incompetent people do a ton of damage as well. I guess it’s just what kind of damage I want them to do (ideally, none, but that’s not going to happen).

It’s just really depressing that we have regressed so much in the last year. It’s only been a year and a bit! But even more depressing that more than half of the people who voted actually voted for this hellscape. they can tell themselves any lies they want, but they did this. No, I’m not accepting the bullshit we all caused this to happen. My brother tried to pull that on me. “This is what we voted for.” No. Hell to the fuck no. I did not vote for this. I have voted against this kind of thing ever since I could first vote. I have consistently voted agains this kind of thing. I don’t accept any responsibility, and it’s this kind of false equivalence that we need to stomp out.

Do Dems need to do better in recruiting for our side? Yes. Do we need to make our message fresh and relevant? Also yes. Do we need to crunch our message down into  easy to understand bite sizes? Very much yes. But what we do not need to do is accept blame for something that is not our fault. I did NOT get this guy elected. I reject that will my whole body, heart, and soul.


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More about labels and why I fucking hate them, part two

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In my last post, I was going to talk about why I didn’t like labels, but pretty much only talked about Guess vs. Ask culture and sexism. Both of those are very important and related to the topic at hand, but they weren’t what I wanted to focus on; I’m going to try again. Oh, and I wanted to include why labels are important, but I never even got close to that.

Here are the lablels I have reluctantly chosen for myself: Asian/Taiwanese American; PoC; bisexual/queer; agender; areligious; and ENM. I would also say I’m aromantic, but that’s not something I consider a necessary part of my identity. Let’s add neurospicy to that list.

I don’t like PoC. I don’t know what I would use instead, though, as I have not liked any of the other terms for minorities. Multicultural was fine, but not really an apt description. Plus, I don’t feel an alliance with other PoC because when people use that term, they usually just mean Black people. Taiwanese American is the best fit here.

Sexual identity: queer is my first choice. But, again, unfortunately most people assume it means gay. We leave in such a binary world; it’s really disheartening to me. I still call myself queer, but if I need to be more specific, I will reluctantly use bi. I’m not happy about it, and I’ve never really liked it. Especially now that there are more than two genders, it’s not the best. I and other bi people tend to use it as ‘people like me and people not like me’, but that’s a lot of explaining to do when talking with nonqueers about it. I used to joke that I would rather just call myself sexual and be done with it.

Also, when I first came out thirty years ago, there was a strong push to emphasize that bis didn’t want to fuck everyone just because we could, in theory, do so. I get it. Respectability was a big issue back then (still is, but in a different way). Queer people really wanted to emphasisze being just like straight people except for who we loved.

Which, yeah, I get it. Racial minorities also have that strong impulse. It makes sensre to a certain extent. You want to emphasize the similarities because that’s a good way to create bonds. This has always been the tension within a minority group–to try to be as like the majority as possible or outright rebel.

There are people who can pass and people who can’t. There are people who could pass, but choose not to. It’s a spectrum, really, and I fall more on the ‘can pass’ side as long as I don’t act up. Heh. This is in gender identity. People assume I’m a woman because of my big boobs and long hair. At this point because of the terrible mess that is my country, I’m just going to leave it at that.


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Let’s talk about labels (and why I hate them)

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Subtitle: But why they are necessary

Yes, I want that all in one tittle, but I’m not a monster. If I want three titles in one, that’s my business!

I’ve talked about labels often before, but I feel it’s important to bring it up again. Why? Because I really wish there was a way to get rid of them, and not in a “No Labels” kind of way. I know they are important in order to talk with each other because you simply cannot talk about each individual situation without a common knowledge bond between you and the person you’re talking to. In fact, that’s the basis for many miscommunications–cultureal differences. A basic example is Ask v. Guess culture. I live in a Guess culture with another Guess culture as my heritage.

Guess culture is where you never say anything directly to each other. There’s an elaborate dance you have to do in order to get your point across. You have to be alert to nuance and know the language before you go into any encounter. I have an example that I always give.

Many moons ago, I had a Taiji classmate who was from the South. She was also a pastor’s wife. One day in class, she was complaining because she had planned some kind of dinner or party (probably at church), and several people said they would go. Only one person showed up, and she was so miffed.

I listened to her for a few minutes and then asked what the parishioners acutally said when she invited them to the party/dinner event. I asked how many of them literally said they would come. She said one. The rest said things like, “I need to check my calendar”; “I need to ask my husband”; “It sounds like fun; I’ll get back to you”, etc. In Midwest speak, all of those are soft noes. I told her that if they didn’t unequivocally say yes, it was a no.

I get how that can beconfusing if you’re not from the culture. But, if you are part of the culture, then it’s clear as day. While I’m from that culture, I tend to be more direct in some ways. But, I can play the game when need be.

In Ask culture, the motto is, “Just ask. The worst they can say is no.” It’s clear and direct, and it can be refreshing when everyone is on the same page. There is no guessing or trying to read the room, looking for nuance in every exchange. You know where you stand. And, again, as long as everyone is on the same page, there is a lower chance for misunderstanding.

I’m sure you noticed how much I qualified the latter because everyone invoved has to really be on the same page for it to work. I said that I’m more Ask than Guess, but I think it really depends on the situation. With friends, I’m pretty straightforward because I trust them to not take me the wrong way. But with people I don’t know, I am much more cautious.

Ok. That went for much longer than I wanted, but whatever.


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Compassion and reciprocity

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For most of my life, I have been resigned to being ignored. I live in the in-between because I am not one of the two dominant groups in any category. I am Asian–not black or white. I am bi–not gay or straight. More recently, I am areligious–not a believer or an atheist. And, sigh, finally, I am agender, not man nor woman. Oh, and also not cis or trans. By the way, I have never related to cis–even when I reluctantly accepted the label ‘woman’.

I am resigned to the fact that I don’t fit anywhere. I will also say that while I’m a creative person, I don’t live that lifestyle. I don’t drink or do drugs, and  Idon’t want to be around people who do. There are times, though, that I just snap (internally) at a situation in which I normally would try to be compassionate. Why? Because I feel as if I’m always asked to be the one with empathy and I don’t get the same courtesy in response. Nobody gives a shit about Asian people, for example. It never comes up when racism is talked about. It’s currently Asian-Pacific Islander month, and no one gives a shit about that.

As a result, I have a slight chip on my shoulder when I hear calls for empathy. Where is my empathy, I ask? I have eaten a lot of shit on identity issues because I don’t want to make waves/others have it worse/I don’t care THAT much. But, the cumulative effect is wearying.

I try to be respectful of other people, and it bothers me when I don’t get that respect in return. Like when gender/pronoun issues are brought up. The current way of thinking is to offer pronouns and encourage others to do the same. Which I’m fine with. It crosses the line for me when it’s required. Some people are questioning and others of us don’t want pronouns. I don’t like any of them. My Taiji teacher asked if I wanted to use a neopronoun. Nope. Don’t like those, either. I don’t want any, which makes things much more difficult. I acknowledge that. The way we speak English is predicated on pronouns. I accept that and am resigned to the fact that people will use some really awkward sentences for me if they need to avoid pronouns. Someone on the Ask A Manager website explained that those of us who identified as agender and did not want to use pronouns knew that people were going to make awkward statements. That was a tradeoff we were willing to take. Which I agree is true.

But, here’s the thing for me. I try to be empathetic most of the time. I think about others and how they might be feeling. I don’t feel I get the same respect in return, so I’m not happy about being asked to do even more. I recognize that’s a me-thing, but at some point, there has to be reciprocity. If someone is asking me to be thoughtful of their identity, then they need to be respcetful of mine as well.

I’m tired of feeling it’s a one-way street. That I have to be endlessly understanding whereas I don’t deserve it in response. I know that’s partly my upbringing and partly my training as an emotional support person, but I do have a breaking point.

I have said for quite some time that you can be both a minority and an asshole. They are not mutually exclusive. And while I respect people’s identities, that does not mean that they are good people. I think there needs to be a line drawn somewhere. I’m not sure where or how, but we have to have a discussion about respecting people’s identities but acknowledging that they can still be assholes.

For example. Caitlin Jenner. I respect that  she is a woman. However, she is a shitty woman who wants to deny other women their rights. That’s shitty.


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