In my last post, I was going to talk about why I didn’t like labels, but pretty much only talked about Guess vs. Ask culture and sexism. Both of those are very important and related to the topic at hand, but they weren’t what I wanted to focus on; I’m going to try again. Oh, and I wanted to include why labels are important, but I never even got close to that.
Here are the lablels I have reluctantly chosen for myself: Asian/Taiwanese American; PoC; bisexual/queer; agender; areligious; and ENM. I would also say I’m aromantic, but that’s not something I consider a necessary part of my identity. Let’s add neurospicy to that list.
I don’t like PoC. I don’t know what I would use instead, though, as I have not liked any of the other terms for minorities. Multicultural was fine, but not really an apt description. Plus, I don’t feel an alliance with other PoC because when people use that term, they usually just mean Black people. Taiwanese American is the best fit here.
Sexual identity: queer is my first choice. But, again, unfortunately most people assume it means gay. We leave in such a binary world; it’s really disheartening to me. I still call myself queer, but if I need to be more specific, I will reluctantly use bi. I’m not happy about it, and I’ve never really liked it. Especially now that there are more than two genders, it’s not the best. I and other bi people tend to use it as ‘people like me and people not like me’, but that’s a lot of explaining to do when talking with nonqueers about it. I used to joke that I would rather just call myself sexual and be done with it.
Also, when I first came out thirty years ago, there was a strong push to emphasize that bis didn’t want to fuck everyone just because we could, in theory, do so. I get it. Respectability was a big issue back then (still is, but in a different way). Queer people really wanted to emphasisze being just like straight people except for who we loved.
Which, yeah, I get it. Racial minorities also have that strong impulse. It makes sensre to a certain extent. You want to emphasize the similarities because that’s a good way to create bonds. This has always been the tension within a minority group–to try to be as like the majority as possible or outright rebel.
There are people who can pass and people who can’t. There are people who could pass, but choose not to. It’s a spectrum, really, and I fall more on the ‘can pass’ side as long as I don’t act up. Heh. This is in gender identity. People assume I’m a woman because of my big boobs and long hair. At this point because of the terrible mess that is my country, I’m just going to leave it at that.
In my ideal world where gender didn’t matter and sexism didn’t exist, I would be fine with being called a woman. What I mean is that if there wasn’t an emphasis on what it meant to Be A Woman, then I could just exist as me with the throwaway knowledge of me being a woman. As long as no one talked about it other than in a casual way, whatever.
But in our world? No thank you. It’s just not me. When other women tell me how deeply they are connected to their gender, I strain to feel that inside myself. But instead, I feel nothing. Nothing at all. What does it mean to feel like a woman? I don’t know.
It’s difficult. With the awareness of how treacherous life is for trans people in America, I don’t want to complain. (And of course there’s a but). But. I’ve felt invisible all my life because I’m noh in the predominant minority (if that makes sense). I’m not black or white–I’m Asian (Taiwanese). I’m not gay or straight–I’m bi. I’m not religious or an atheist–I’m areligious. And now, I’m not male, female, or nonbinary–I’m agender.
What the fuck is wrong with me? Why am I like this? It’s so fucking frustrating. Really. I wish I could…just not. Not be so weird and different and always being something other than ‘normal’. I’m so tired. Fitting in is nearly impossible for me unless I file off all my jagged edges. ALL of them. There’s really nothing I can talk about in polite society that will build a bridge rather than slam a door shut.
Here are my main interests: Weapon forms in martial arts. Specifically Taiji and Bagua. FromSoft video games. No other video game will really do–well, except for some indie games. None of which casual gamers will care about or even know. Yes, I’m a weirdo, even when it comes to games (which used to be considered a weirdo hobby, but no longer is). I don’t give a shit about mobile games or multiplayer games. It’s From games or esoteric little indies for me.
Those are my two big interests. I’m currently trying to write a novemoir (ves, I’m going to fucking make that happen), but it’s a struggle. There are a couple other things I’m musing about, but I don’t want to talk about any of them with people I don’t know or in polite society. I don’t watch movies or TV, so that cuts out much of social chitchat.
I have found that the best way for me to exist in society on a surface level is to, well, be someone else. It’s too exhausting to try to be a carefully curated version of myself. I used to go to parties once in a while, and I spent the whole time being NotMe. Wait. That’s not completely true. I still laughed and joked as myself, but I was careful to not talk about myself very much. If I don’t trust someone, they get nothing of me. Nothing. I am usually very good at spotting the traps and sidestepping them, but when I don’t/can’t, it really flusters me. I don’t like when I mess up, so I try to avoid it as much as possible. I mean, I know most people don’t like messing up. That’s a pretty obvious thing to say. I take it even harder, though, because I am monitoring myself every second I’m in the presence of someone else. Even when I’m with a loved one, it’s still there. I keep it at a much lower level, but there are only a few people I don’t mask at all.
This is one of the reasons I don’t want to be in a romantic relationship–or at least one that means I cohabitate with someone. I can’t keep the mask on all the time, and it’s much easier just to be myself with no one around. It’s not even the other people’s fault, I hasten to add. It’s just how I was trained (emotionally beaten down) to be (always deferring to others and that I didn’t matter), and it’s really hard to shake.
I no longer feel like I’m worthless or that I don’t mean anything, but it’s hard to feel that I matter. Not to my closest friends, of course, but to the world in general.
Well. That wasn’t what I wanted to write about, but it does relate to what I wanted to write about. I’ll just leave it at that for tonight.