I’ve been thinking recently about life. I know that sounds boring and pretentious, but hear me out. It has to do with family dysfunction, but maybe not in a direct way. I’ve been talking about my parents and their beliefs in very rigid (and outdated) gender roles. Because of this, I grew up thinking that I had to get married and have children. That was the macro for my life. The micro was neverending ‘thou shalt nots’ that grew increasingly restrictive.
Thou shalt not climb trees.
Thou shall not sit with your legs spread.
Thou shall not laugh too loudly.
Thou shall not show any negative emotion.
Thou SHALL tend to everyone’s needs around you.
Thou SHALL take less than your share so that the boys/men around you can have more.
Thou shall not have any wants or needs, come to think of it.
Thou shall just smile prettily and do what you’ve been told.
In general, I was not supposed to be a human being with wants and needs.
In addition, my mother made it clear that I was to go to college, meet a nice boy, settle down, and have children. All by the time I was 26. The timeline wasn’t something she expressly said, but the rest of it? Well, maybe not Explicitly said, but very clearly underscored in everything she said and did. The college thing was very clear. It seems strange that she would be so insistent that a female child go to college because that is emphatically not a thing in Taiwanese society, but her mother was very forward thinking on education. She was the first woman to graduate from a certain college in Japan, which is surprising that she went at all.
People contain multitudes! Even rampant internalized sexism misogynists can be progressive in some ways. At any rate, my mother made me take all sorts of–you know what? Tiger mother is a thing, and it probably has something to do with the East Asian belief that you’re a piece of shit no matter what. That’s East Asian parenting for you. Never tell your kids that they are doing anything well. It’ll make their heads swell.
My motehr also believed that you should be doing something every minute of the day. I was a dreamer and preferred to read than to do an activity. I started dance classes at two when my mother noticed that I could do a somersault by one. I was too young for classes, but she somehow convinced the teachers to take me (probably with her unparalell ability to nag someone into submission). I started playing t-ball around four or five and taking piano lessons around seven (didn’t care for it). I’ve been playing ping-pong and tennis for most of my life. Don’t remember when I started playing either. Softball at seven, and then the cello at nine. I had quit the piano by that time, and my mother insisted I had to play an instrument. I liked the string instruments better than the brass ones, so this is how my brain went.
I like the cello and the bass. The bass is my favorite, but I want to be able to do more than just pluck the strings every now and again. I wanted to be able to carry the melody once in a while, so I chose the cello. I loved it. I absolutely love d it. I did not, however, like being forced to practice every day or giving recitals. I didn’t mind playing in the orchestra, but I didn’t love it.
Every summer, I had to take summer school. There was no rest for the wicked, you see. I also played volleyball (not formally, but as a side thing), and when I was twelve, I was supposed to learn pointe ballet (boxes in the toes of ballet shoes). I suffered through it for several hours before before deciding that I was NOT going to keep doing that. I know all the rationalizations for it, but no. It hurt. “You get used to it.” Why would I want to get used to crushing my toes?
With all of this, I was expected to get straight As because I was smart and good at school. I never got praised for my good grades, but I did get grilled if I ever came home with anything less than As. My brother had an undiagnosed learning disability that made school really difficult for him. My mother would bribe him to get good grades (which I understand in retrospect), which made me feel even more overlooked and undervalued. I actually did poorly in my classes in my junior year on purpose because why should I do well when I got nothing for it? I was such a hot mess as a child; it really hurts my heart.
When I was a junior or senior, my mother started talking about college as if it was inevitable. She made it seem like I had no choice, and because I was so beaten down by that point, I did not question her. I did not push back at all even though I did not want to go to college. I was sick of school after twelve years, but, again, I didn’t feel like I had a choice. That’s why when my nibling graduated from high school and my family started pressuring them to go to college, I refused to join in. My mother pushed me to push my nibling to go to college because my nibling looked up to me, and I flat-out refused. I wished I had taken a year off after high school before going to college, and I was not going to put that same kind of pressure on my nibling.
Then we get to my twenties. The biggest realization of my life was when I was twenty and seriously dating a guy. For reasons to complicated to get into, this was when I realized that I did not have to have children (I also realized I was bisexual, but that’s another story). Not only did I not want to have them; I did not have to have them.
I can’t tell you how giddy I became when I had that realization. I know it sounds silly because of course I didn’t have to have children; it’s not as if it’s court-mandated or anything. However, when it’s something that is drummed in your head from birth, it can seem as if there’s no choice. That’s part of my family’s dysfunction–my mother’s belief that she had the right to dictate what I should do with my life.
I’m tired. More later.