At the end of the last post, I was talking about how the reach of family dysfunction is long and tortured. One of the problems with abuse is that it gets passed along, generation by generation. It’s the same with societal norms, actually. What we consider normal is usually what has been codified into society over the centuries. It’s usually smart to look at who benefits and take it from there. In the case of monogamy, well, society would fall apart if people didn’t settle down and procreate right?
I’m being sarcastic, but that is what many people believe. Look at the current crop of Republicans. JD Vance is obsessed with ‘childless cat ladies’ and how they run the Democratic Party. My hdude. Brah.
*Insert heavy eyerolling here*
I’ve said it before, but I’m going to say it again. I fucking WISH we had that kind of power. Do you honestly think if minorities had the powers they have invested in us, we would let them be in any kind of power/ability to gain power? It’s so enraging that they have managed to convince their base that the ‘libtards’ as they like to call us are in total control.
Again, if this was the case, do you think we would have let Roe v. Wade be overturned? Do you think we would let them anywhere near the White House? Or us in general? Do you think we would let all these anti-trans laws pass without slapping them down?
For decades, I was confident that they wouldn’t actually overturn Roe v. Wade beacuse it’s their bread-and-butter. They used it to stump about how terrible liberals were and how they needed more money to defeat us and our dastardly plans. I still think that’s true, but what I didn’t account for was batshit bananapants Trump becoming president. And putting really radical rightwing justices on the Supreme Court. Two of them who truly believe the bullshit and didn’t just mouth it for political reasons.
I was right, though. The Republicans didn’t really want Roe v. Wade overturned, but they had no choice. They were feckless in going along with Trump, and they are reaping what they sowed. I think there was a time when they could have put down their foot and drawn a line in the sand. They could have said, no. This is too much. I know many of them don’t agree with Trump, but they are too much of cowards/too power-hungry to say so.
Now, they have to ride-or-die with him because the Republican Party is his party now. And if they want to stay in power, they have to put up with him. At least, that’s their thinking. I think if they made a stand, they could take back the party. They might lose a few election cycles (in other words, it could take a decade or more), but that’s their only chance at reclaiming their party.
Damn. I went all over the place, didn’t I?
Back to society. In American society, there is an emphasis on family. The nuclear family, mind you. Husband, wife, and children. Maybe a pet or two. Monogamous, can’t look at anyone else, let alone fuck around (with or without finding out). I used to buy into this when I was younger, but only because it was hammered into my brain from my mother and society in general. Taiwanese culture is just as bad if not worse about sexism and monogamy (different post for a different time).
Then, I started dating people who had different ideas of monogamy, and while I first gave in because it’s whtat they wanted–I soon realized that I was not opposed to it myself. At all. YIou know how you’re supposed to be jealous if your partner was attracted to someone else? And you were supposed to lock that shit down and not allow it to happen? I found that I did not care.
I will be honest. The first time it happened (I liked someone who turned me down, citing ‘not ready to date right now’ as the reason, only to turn around and start dating someone else a few weeks later), I was devastated. I was consumed with grief, rage, and jealousy. It took me some time to realize it wasn’t the fact that they dated someone else, but that they weren’t truthful about it (as I saw it at the time. It turned out to be more complicated than that). It had more to do with my self-esteem than anything else.
The next time it happened (I was dating someone and they wanted it to be open because they were interested in someone else. Which, by the way, is almost universally recognized as a shitty reason to open a relationship), I was more agreeable to it. We had an agreement that we would ask first (about the specific person we wanted to date) out of respect for our partner. I went out with my classmates (grad school program) to a local bar after we had a reading, and I was on fire that night. I looked so good. Red fake leather snake skin pants and a black tank-top that amplified my assets. For once, I looked good and, more importantly, I felt good.
The bartender comped us drinks all night. I stopped after my usual two, but my friends were drinking up. This guy was hot as fuck. I mean, my panties were wet, and I would have fucked him right then and there on the bar. We went out back for smoke breaks and were getting quite close. Had he suggested we had sex there and then–I would have. He did ask me out on a date, and I said I had to make a phone call. I called my partner, expecting him to say it was fine. Instead, he blew up and said that wasn’t part of the agreement. I was supposed to call him before it happened (uh, what did you think I was doing?) to get his approval.
That’s when I realized that he wanted it just for himself and not for me. He expected me to stay home and wait for him (we were in different cities) while he went around sowing his wild oats. I wish to god I had defied him and went out with the bartender, but, no. I played by the rules and lost out. Did I think I would have found a true love in the bartender? No. Would I have had one hell of a time with him? Oh, yes.
Before that, I had another boyfriend that wanted to date both his ex (ish) girlfriend and me at the same time. Another long, complicated story, but I said fine. The twist was that I, too, was dating someone else. What’s good for the goose, etc., etc., etc. I was fine with it. I liked both the people I was dating, and I was fine with it. It turns out that my boyfriend wasn’t. He told me he couldn’t stand seeing me date someone else and wanted us to be exclusive. I was elated because that was what I really wanted. But I had been happy enough dating two people at the same time.
Half a decade later, I was dating a couple. Again, it wsa the guy who wanted to be open, and the woman who went along with it because she didn’t want to lose the guy. Not saying she didn’t want it herself, but she definitely did it in part so she would not lose her boyfriend.
Yes, I wsa the unicorn, and it was a fun time for a few months. Then, it got complicated and messy, and it ended badly.
More later.