There is a common trope that if you have a list of characteristics you look for in a partner, you’ll fall for someone who is the exact opposite. There is some validity to it, but that’s more about not being aware of your flaws and the dysfunctions of your family. If you don’t understand how your family has installed your buttons, well, you’re going to keep looking for people who press them.
To put it more plainly, what you grew up with is your norm. So if your mother made it your responsibility to cook dinner every night and had a meltdown if you didn’t, well, then that’s what you’ll expect to do for a partner. If she’s criticcal of everything you do, that’s your norm as well. In my case, my father was absent and very self-centered. My mother danced attendance to him, then demanded that I be her emotional punching bag. So that’s what I do for partners until I explode in rage beacuse I can’t take it any longer.
I learned that when I’m in a relationship, I revert to being the extreme caretaker and then resenting it when I don’t get that in return. I tend to date people with limited EQ, and then I get mad when they don’t show me the same consideration. It’s not their fault because they literally can’t, but it doesn’t stop it from hurting.
I remember one guy I dated (oh my god. He was such a piece of work. He’s the one who dumped me because of my viewpoint on Pulp Fiction) who declared because I did not have monetary worries, I had no right to complain about anything. This was after I told him about being sexually assaulted and other dark secrets of my life. The casual cruelty took my breath away, and it really cut deep.
In my post yesterday, I talked about how I’m currently looking at dating. I do have a list of things I need in a partner. Some are negotiable, but most are not. One thing about being nearly 52 and having died twice is that I know myself better than I have at any point in my life. I’m not hiding my light under a bushel, and if someone does not want the glorious messiness taht is me, then they can fuck all the way off.
Let me be clear. I’m not expecting anyone to be 100% copacetic with everything about me. That’s not realistic or possible. But, what I am looking for is someone who can hang with the person I am and not freak the fuck out at how weird I am. How different I am. How not-in-the-mainstream I am. And they have to see this as a positive. Not just something to be endured or tolerated. It’s something to be celebrated and embraced.
So here we go. The list of qualities I need in a partner. And how much wiggle room there is for each one.
1. Not a drinker. This is nonnegotiable. Ok, it’s negotiable to the point of if they want a drink once a month (ONE drink), fine. I can tolerate that. But otherwise, no. And no drugs. This is difficult because I like the artistic type, who tend to be more liberal in their alcohol/drug use. Almost every person I’ve dated have had issues with alcohol–ranging from being a heavy drinker to being dependent upon it (but denying it) to being a raging alcoholic.
I’m not going to get into whether it’s a disease or not. It doesn’t matter to me because it’s the behavior and the effect it has on me that matters. For whatever reason, the people I know who drink too much always end up showing their ass. Either by being nasty or being sexually aggressive when I was not in the mood or even dating them or by being weepy and clingy, which is also off-putting.
I resent having to caretake for someone who is an alcoholic. It’s bad enough doing it for someone who is purportedly healthy mentally and/or physically; it’s infinitely worse doing it for someone who’s an alcoholic. And, I can feel as much compassion for such a person or not, but I do not want to date them. Plus, people who drink on the regular do not realize how much their behavior changes when they drink. It’s funny how many of them think it just loosens them up or makes them more gregarious or whatnot, but so many of them do not show themselves in the best light after a few drinks. This is not negotiable. I know that cuts down drastically on the number of people I can date, but I do not care.
2. Must have a high EQ. I touched on this earlier, but I have an off-the-chart EQ. It’s too much, really, and I have to constantly shield myself from absorbing other’s emotions. In tandem with that, I tended to date people who were not able to do this. More to the point, they were stunted emotionally. This was what was comfortable for me, as much as I hated it.
You see, I did not believe I deserved to be loved. How could I? my whole life, I’d been told that I was too fat, too loud, too raucous, too boyish, too selfish, and just too, too much. I was supposed to be demure and keep my legs crossed (and closed). I was supposed to endlessly support my mother emotionally and put on a happy face wwhenever my father was around. I was not supposed to contradict him in any way, shape, or form.
I was an abomination as I was. Everything about me was wrong. Here are the things that were bad: fat, areligious, not married, not spawned, studying taiji (especially the weapons), bisexual, tattooed, cursing, sex before marriage (or outside marriage at all), not willing to say that men were superior to weomen. Add to that the fact that I never cared about working a real job or fitting into any part of society. There is literally nothing about me that pleases my parents.
3. Sex. Must want it a lot. Must be self-aware as to how much they actually like sex. All the people I’ve dated have had a skewed view of how sexaul they actually were. I realized that with men, it was because they were with women who wanted less sex than they did, so they assumed they wanted it a lot. And these same women were not forthcoming about how much they actually wanted sex. So when they met me and I said that I wanted it a lot, they cut it by half. It did not matter that I was explicit about saying I could have sex every day and still masturbate, they didn’t believe me.
Sexism, basically. I could not possibly want sex as much as I said I wanted it. These same guys were upset when I was always raring to go. Mind, I did not push sex, but I was alwayshappy to have it. I had more than one ex-boyfriend say that they felt inadequate because they could not satisfy me. They were not reassured when I said that while I could have more sex, I was completely happy with what we had. To them, if I wanted more, then I wasn’t happy. That’s not how I saw it, but I could not convince them otherwise.
I will say that I do not know how much sex I would want now. I haven’t had it in over a decade, and my last lover was…not great. I think I would still be up to it every day, but who can say? THis is running long so I’ll end it here and continue tomorrow.