Underneath my yellow skin

Tag Archives: standards

More on dating me

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I’ve done several posts about what it would take to get me off my couch and actually date/fuck someone. The last post derailed hard into ‘dysfunctional family’ territory, but I’m not sorry about that. Family is important. Not in a ‘but faaaaamily!’ way, but because the scars you collect in your childhood can carry out all through your life. There’s a saying that of course your parents know how to push your buttons because they were the ones who installed them.

Growing up, your family is your norm. What happens in your house is what you think happens everywhere. That’s not because of  dysfunction, but because that’s just human nature. If it’s the only thing you’ve known all your life, of course you’re going to assume that’s what everyone goes through.

So. If your mother is a workaholic who always puts you last, for example, then you’ll probably date someone who treats you similarly. Even if you realize it’s not optimal; it’s comfortable.

In my case, it’s the push/pull that is my norm. I am so used to my parents alternating between smothering me and not even acknowledging what I existed. I don’t know what I would do with someone who loved me and treated me well, but also gave me space when I needed it. Someone who was attentive without being demanding. I still don’t know that what looks like. Eevn in my friendships, I prefer a distance that most people would probably find uncomfortable. i love chatting with Ian throughout the day, but I don’t need much more than that. I message with Kathleen once every other week or so, and we talk once a month on the phone for hours. I see my Taiji teacher on Zoom once a week and in person for an hour private lesson overy other week. I should add another Zoom class to my schedule.

So.

11. Understand that I vacillate between clingy and aloof. This is not something I’m proud of, andI have worked on it in therapy. However, at this point in my life, I recognize that I’m not going to significantly change. If I’m going to date somenoe(s), they need to understand that I’m like that. I’m moody. I can keep much of the snappishness to myself, but it is going to come out now and again.


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If you wanna be my lover

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In my last post, I continued telling you who I am. I’m going to go on even further. Let’s just jump right in.

10. My family is deeply dysfunctional. You will not meet my family. Well, rather, you will not meet my parents. You might get to meet my brother, but that’s it. I can only deal with my parents on a very superficial level and very sparingly. Which means once every three weeks or so, we talk for a stilted half hour. I try to keep as much to myself as possible and be civil to my parents. That’s it. Nothing more.

My parents have met very few of my past partners. There is a reason for that. My mother is able to be pleasant to strangers and make reasonable conversation. If it was just her on her own, I would be fine with it. But my father is a piece of work who cannot relate to anyone. He doesn’t care about other people, and he would not be happy with anyone I dated. The very narrow exception might be a Taiwanese man who was very traditional, but who did not challenge him in any way. Which,
I mean, no thank you.

There was a letter to Dear Prudence from a woman who claimed she came from a very loving family. Her fiance, Mark, whom she’d been with for four years was loving, kind, caring, etc. But, he was cut off from his family beacuse his father, a raging alcoholic, abused Mark and his mother. Mark’s younger sister escaped abuse because she was the favored child. The abuse was so bad, Mark’s father put him in the hospital twice. While the mother did nothing. The grandparents knew what was going on, but did not step in other than to let Mark stay with them once in a wihle.

The mother and sister had contacted Mark on social media and wanted him back in their lives. He showed his fiancee the messages, saying, “Can you believe they wrote this?” She thought the messages were heartfelt and wanted him to reconcile. Not with the father–she was magnaminous to grant him that much, but with the mother and sister. The mother was a victim, too! The sister was not involved at all! He didn’t even know if his grandparents were still alive!

She also added that her very loving parents tried to prod as to why he didn’t want hisfamily there and he said they were dead to him which horrified her parents. The letter writer was troubled and said it seemed brutal to her that he refused to even consider mending fences with his mother and sister. Even though he told her that his therapist said it was btetter for him not to have his family in his life.

The new-ish Prudie who is very ‘but faaaaaambly’ agreed it was troublesome but the LW had to stop interfering. What a trash response! Thankfully, the commentariat was up to the task and grilled the LW to a nice crisp. She asked if it was a red flag, and so many of the commenters said it was a red flag…for Mark. There were a few comments agreeing it spoke poorly of Mark that he ‘casually’ decided to cut off his family or try to justify why he should at least be in contact with his sister, but they got quickly shot down.


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The final countdown

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I started a list in my last post about the things I’m looking for in a partner. My first need today seems in direct contract to one of the things I said I needed yesterday. Let’s get on with it.

4. Not too much of an empath. One of the weird things on the RKG Discord is that most of the Americans who comment late at night are empathetic people. It’s very odd that there are at least four of us whto chat away after midnight (Central Time).

The problem with being highly empathetic is that you sometimes overstep. I can tell what others feel in an instant–by the way, it’s amusing to me how some people want to deny this is a thing. THey think it’s made up just because they can’t do it. Apparently, there is an empath industry (as there is for everything), which…I don’t want to Google. I don’t want to know how people are exploiting empathy for gain.

Anyway, I don’t want someone who’ll anticipate how I feel at the cost of actually being there for me. Being able to sit with someone in all their emotions is a skill in and of itself. And, as good as I am at reading people, I am not infallible. I don’t always get it right, so I would not want my preconceived notions to trump other people’s actual lived experiences. In addition, I most emphatically do not like being told what I am and am not feeling; I would not want to do that to anyone else.

Granted, in my case, it’s because my parents have a history of disbelieving what I saylfeel/do, but still. It’s best to take people at face value unless their is overwhelming evidence that they are not being honest with you/are deceiving themselves. Which, by the way, the last is really hard to dispel. People need their coping mechanisisms, and one of the sayings of Pysch 101 that stuck with me is that you don’t take away a person’s coping mechanism (no matter how bad it is) if you don’t have something to replace it with.

5. The ability to sit quietly. This sounds facetious, but it’s not. I could phrase it as preferring introverts, but that’s not exactly true. It’s more that I need someone who is comfortable in their own skin and who does not feel the need to talk all the time. I like just chilling with someone, both of us on our laptops, doing our own thing.


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Making a list and checking it twice

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There is a common trope that if you have a list of characteristics you look for in a partner, you’ll fall for someone who is the exact opposite. There is some validity to it, but that’s more about not being aware of your flaws and the dysfunctions of your family. If you don’t understand how your family has installed your buttons, well, you’re going to keep looking for people who press them.

To put it more plainly, what you grew up with is your norm. So if your mother made it your responsibility to cook dinner every night and had a meltdown if you didn’t, well, then that’s what you’ll expect to do for a partner. If she’s criticcal of everything you do, that’s your norm as well. In my case, my father was absent and very self-centered. My mother danced attendance to him, then demanded that I be her emotional punching bag. So that’s what I do for partners until I explode in rage beacuse I can’t take it any longer.

I learned that when I’m in a relationship, I revert to being the extreme caretaker and then resenting it when I don’t get that in return. I tend to date people with limited EQ, and then I get mad when they don’t show me the same consideration. It’s not their fault because they literally can’t, but it doesn’t stop it from hurting.

I remember one guy I dated (oh my god. He was such a piece of work. He’s the one who dumped me because of my viewpoint on Pulp Fiction) who declared because I did not have monetary worries, I had no right to complain about anything. This was after I told him about being sexually assaulted and other dark secrets of my life. The casual cruelty took my breath away, and it really cut deep.

In my post yesterday, I talked about how I’m currently looking at dating. I do have a list of things I need in a partner. Some are negotiable, but most are not. One thing about being nearly 52 and having died twice is that I know myself better than I have at any point in my life. I’m not hiding my light under a bushel, and if someone does not want the glorious messiness taht is me, then they can fuck all the way off.

Let me be clear. I’m not expecting anyone to be 100% copacetic with everything about me. That’s not realistic or possible. But, what I am looking for is someone who can hang with the person I am and not freak the fuck out at how weird I am. How different I am. How not-in-the-mainstream I am. And they have to see this as a positive. Not just something to be endured or tolerated. It’s something to be celebrated and embraced.

So here we go. The list of qualities I need in a partner. And how much wiggle room there is for each one.


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