In my life, I’m a very private person, edging towards secretive. I am where secrets go to die, and people know they can tell me things. I will talk about things with Kathleen, but she is also a steel trap. And Ian. Another steel trap. Other than that, though, I won’t talk about something someone tells me without their specific consent.
I am always an opt-in person. I hate websites that make me opt-out. I was just on one that has gotten worse and worse every year. And it maks you opt-out of getting emails and other bullshit. I know why websites do that, obviously. It’s inertia. They know that it’s easier for people to mindlessly click through than to unclick the checked boxes. That’s Marketing 101–and it’s Psychology 101 as well. Make it as hard as possible for people to opt-out. Or more effort, I should say.
In real life, I liken it to people who are an open book. You can ask them anything, and they’ll tell you what you want to know. Guileless is the word. I have no issue with that as long as it’s limited to their own shit. But, this is the problem with people like that–they are often open with your shit as well. I have had this problem with a close friend in that anything you tell her is going to be told to other people unless you specifically say it’s a secret.
In addition, she likes to be in on all conversations (as we all do, but she does to a bigger extent), so she’l throw something into the conversation even if it’s not hers to be throw in. She does it without thinking, and I’ve had to have a chat or two with her about it. I’ve also realized that I have to be careful what I tell her. If I tell her it’s private, she will keep it to herself, but I have to specifically tell her.
It took me longer than it should have for me to realize that because if someone tells me something, I keep it to myself unless they say it’s OK to share. It’s not my news so why would I tell someone else about it? It’s interesting to me to see the wide gulf between the two. I mean, there are gradients, obviously, but my friend and I are on the far ends of the spectrum.
I know that my nature is in part becuase my father is very secretive himself–maladaptively so. I have said this a million times, but one example has stuck in my mind all my life. It was when I was a teenager. A friend of my parents (a woman) called and asked for my father. I said that he was playing tennis with another friend. When my parents came back, I told my father about the phone call. He freaked out and yelled at me for telling the friend thta he was playing tennis with another (female, very attractive) friend.
I had no idea why he was so upset. If you think about it dispassionately, it was not a big deal. He and my mother were playing tennis with a friend. Another friend wanted to talk to him. I told the second friend he was out with the first. Nothing underhanded there, right?
It wasn’t until a decade or two later that I realized why he was so upset. See, he always had a ‘lady friend’ and probably had one in the wings, too. The one he was playing tennis with has been a favorite of his for a long time. The second friend is not his usual type, but he probably couldn’t resist getting her hung up on him, too. That’s how he fed his ego–by having all the women around him fawring all over him.
Once I figured that out, it made sense why he was upset I had told the second friend about the first. It’s harder to keep someone on the line if there are other women in the same position–and the one you’re trying to keep on the line becomes aware of that.
This was the baseline for what was considered allowable to tell other people. I see how that was fucked up of my father, and I’m not that bad. But. I will say that I get annoyed if someone tells something about me to other people that I shared in confidence. And I consider anything about my personal life confidential. Or rather, let me put it like this. If it’s about my life, let me tell it. For example, my birthday. I don’t care about it. I don’t hate it like I used to, but I have no use for it, either. So I’d rather other people didn’t menton it in a meeting/class if I don’t bring it up myself.
If I want people to know about something, I’ll tell them. If I don’t mention it, then I think it would be pretty obvious that I don’t want to talk about it. Or at the very least, it’s not something that I’m going to bring up. I know from an opt-out person’s point of view, why wouldn’t they mention my birthday if they know it? It’s not a secret to them, which I get on a intellectual level. However, emotionally, don’t tell tales about me out of school. And, yeah, it’s not a tale. It’s not a big deal. But it is my personal information.
This is an issue that I had to realize, fully, that I was on the very end of the secretive spectrum. There are plenty of people in the middle, but this particular friend of mine is on the direct oppositev end of the spectrum. I have to tell her specifically that I don’t want things to be said, which is a bit anonying to me.
Honestly, I’ve deicded it’s easier just not to tell her some things if I really don’t want them to be known. It may be sad, but it’s really the only way to ensure that it won’t be blasted to the world. Even when I’ve told her to keep it quiet, she’s accidentally blurted things out. I just don’t want to put her in that position or me in the position of being mad at her for it. It’s bettor on both of us this way.